The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira
by Plasma Knight
Summary: A humorous retelling of FFX. As Tidus’ journeys with Yuna continue he can’t help but notice the odd amounts of people who don’t seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that eversouseful Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira that will explain everything.
1. The Guide

The Hitchiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Reviews may be far and few, I don't always have access to a computer. I will try to update at least once every three weeks, maybe two.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 1: The Guide.

_Excerpt from The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira:_

(To avoid the effort all future excerpts will be in _Italics_)

_Tidus:_

_Well known as a whiny-ass, who likes to force laughs to the point where everyone just has to hide a weapon on them in case he goes insane and attempts to kill them. Also knows nothing of the world, despite having this awesome guide with him._

_Yuna:_

_A summoner, well known for being indecisive and not telling jack to anyone, even if the knowledge only she knows is in some way threatening to her group's pilgrimage. She also likes to laugh, only nobody doubts her for some reason…_

_Auron:_

_Just a crabby guy who likes to place an arm in his jacket. He has an extreme dislike of placing his left arm in his sleeve for some odd reason. He also likes to withhold info, but he at least seems to have some reason, or at least he thinks he has some reason, he drinks so often from his sake' jug that there's no trusting him._

_Rikku:  
An Al Bhed girl who is unnaturally perky. She might just overdose on sugar every damn day. She also enjoys wearing skin colored clothing that make people think she's missing things if you don't look hard enough. Anything else? Oh yeah, she has intelligence enough to use "Hi-tech" items like Grenades that nobody else can figure out how to use for the life of them._

_Wakka:_

_Captain of the worst Blitzball team on God's green earth. (Read "Besaid Aurochs" for info on said team, and "God" or "Player" for info about Spira's basis of religion, and what is impeding it.) He is also known for loving the Yevon religion more than anything else, if it were a person he would want to get with it at all freaking costs._

_Lulu:  
A gothic Black Mage who is known for wearing an ungodly number of belts around her legs. She also has an unnatural dress that should by all accounts slip and reveal her breasts. She also likes dolls and uses them as voodoo toys, weapons and slaves._

_Khimari:_

_Sorry, but no info exists on this not very important guy. Field men are currently researching Khimari._

Okay all the above stated people are sitting around some cruddy ruins of an ancient city. Tidus stands up and walks to the edge. He begins a self monologue but ends up falling to the water below… the group later goes to check up on him and find him crying in waist deep water…

**Final Fantasy X!**

Zanarkand---

The well known whiny-ass Tidus makes his way out of his house-boat to the massive crowd outside. A pair of girls walk toward him first.

Tidus: Hey, don't try anything! I got security! You won't get away with it, really!

Girl 1: uhh… I just wanted your autograph?

Tidus: OH YAY! I got a fan!

Tidus then inscribes his signature on a small check the girl was holding out to him, unaware that she was attempted to take his money.

Girl 1: Thank you for the autograph, now I'm made in money!

Tidus: Yeah my signature is worth quite a deal!

Then Tidus signed another check, bringing the amount of Gil he was about to lose to 100,000 placing him in even more paralyzing debt than he already was in.

_It's a well known fact that Tidus is easy to trick into signing Checks, and since Zanarkand has no policy for bouncing checks it's easy to get away with as well._

After signing the checks for a group of small children Tidus continued on to the main highway of Zanarkand, while a popular news broadcast was going on.

"I was in a coffee shop, running away from home when I heard the news, our hero Jecht, gone. Vanished into thin air! My father must have been my biggest fan; I knew how sad he'd be. Heck we all were that day…"

Tidus thought to himself during this moment, "This guy STILL thinks he's the old man…"

"…"Jecht" I says to myself, "What are you thinking?" I went running straight back home. We sat up talking 'bout Me all night. My dad and I never talked so much. Whoa… Didn't mean to reminisce, folks. Anyway… Ten years later, the Jecht, that's me, Memorial Cup tournament is today! The two team that have won through to the finals… are of course the Apes from A-East and the Duggles from C-South. I know there's a lot of people out there today to see the star of the Apes! In just one year he's become the team's number one player! He's my blood, and the new hope of Blitzball! What kind of super play will he show us today? Will we see my legendary shot? I'm pretty sure I'm the only one excited here, folks!"

_The Zanarkand Apes were considered one of the best teams in Zanarkand, and no there are no gorillas in it. The worst team in comparison was the Zanarkand Aurochs. The descendents of these awful players later became the Besaid Aurochs. More info under the "Besaid Aurochs" section._

(By the way I know they are called the Abes. I originally misread it for the Zanarkand Apes, and decided to use it here.)

Tidus eventually reached the Zanarkand dome only to be surrounded by a massive lynch mob of fans.

Fan 1: Quick! Snatch and run!

Tidus: AHHH! SECURITY!

Then the two stone statues that were supposively there for decoration suddenly activate and started to beat the crowd down with their stones spears, killing some and warding off the others. Tidus quickly ran in to avoid being lynched again.

Zanarkand Dome---

Tidus is seen sitting in a small pool of water, looking as though a mob had come by beat him up and robbed his ass. He however soon stands up to reveal he was in a warm-up ring around the Blitzball sphere. With an unnecessarily long charge up scene the Sphere pool appears.

Cut now to Auron standing on a pillar high above the streets of Zanarkand. He walks toward the edge, but in his drunken haze trips and falls to the unfriendly streets below.

Back to the blitz game… hmmm too much for me to bother with typing.

Cut back to Auron, a few giggling drunken people run by, arms flailing like Yuna's in FFX-2 unaware that Sin, their death is steadily advancing on the city.

Then back to the game. Tidus ends up going for the Ball, way in the air only to notice Sin shooting energy bolts toward Zanarkand. Tidus grabs onto a ledge and starts screaming for Security but security being dead and all just can't be bothered to help the soiled player.

Ruined Zanarkand Dome---

Tidus finds himself on the ground, with several people running away for their lives, not stopping to help Tidus out. Eventually after being tired of crying out "Security!" Tidus just gets back up himself and finds Auron taking long swigs from his Sake'.

Tidus: Auron!

Auron: Huh? Who're you!

Tidus: Tidus?

Auron: Oh yeah! Come on man, I got someone really cool to introduce you to!

Tidus: Okay!

So Auron leads Tidus out to the highway where time decides to freeze for no reason. Tidus Is the only person unaffected by it, and soon guesses the phenomena was caused by the small robed boy watching him.

Boy: It begins. Don't cry!

Tidus: Don't tell me what to do!

A swift kick to the crotch has the small boy reeling in pain on the ground.

Boy: This… isn't supposed… I'm a faith!

Tidus: Now unfreeze time!

Boy: Fine… your funeral!

So time is unfrozen. Tidus rejoins Auron who was taking the time to drink some more and finally sees the watery orb of certain death that was floating some distance away.

Auron: We called it "Sin"

Tidus: Well that's really unoriginal.

Auron: Careful! Little monsters coming in fast!

A group of Sinscales were rapidly closing the distance between themselves and the two. Tidus attempts to ward them off by sissy-swinging at them, but when it –big surprise- doesn't work Auron simply pulls out a sword for him.

Auron: Here. A gift from Jecht.

Tidus: My old man?

Tidus takes the sword. Auron next pulled out a small book-shaped device.

Auron: Take this.

Tidus: What is it?

Auron: The Guide. It's the Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira.

Tidus: Oh. Another gift from my dad?

Auron: Yeah.

Tidus: But you can buy these from any antique store for one Gil! He's really inconsiderate you know.

Auron: Yeah but if your as confused as he was when you end up in Spira you'll be damn well thankful to have that. BTW It costs much more where he bought it.

Tidus: How much?

Auron: Ten Gil.

Tidus: oh whoopdy. What are…

Auron: Ask the guide. That's why I gave it to you!

Tidus: Oh all right. What are these things!

_Sinscale:_

_Sin's very scales made alive. Quite weak but plentiful in number. They die quickly to almost anything._

Tidus: Oh then let's kill them!

After cutting through several waves of the wimpy creatures the two eventually arrive before a large one, the Sinspawn!

Tidus: Woah what the?

Auron: Some can't wait to die! Time for my Overdrive, Dragon Fang!

Tidus: Oh cool. I have a feeling this is gonna be awesome.

Auron: RAYQUAZA! EAT THEM!

Then the Sky God Pokemon Rayquza pops up and devours all the Sinscales and the Sinspawn.

Tidus: Well uhh. Not very awesome but if it hurts it works I guess…

So moving on the two find a massive group of Sinscales.

Auron: Hmm… I have an idea! Kid, let's blow up that tanker over there!

Tidus: Are you sure that'll take out the Sinscales!

Auron: Well uhh. I thought it'd be fun but I guess it might do that also…

So they knocked down the tanker, causing a building to collapse and take out the bridge. After waiting a while Auron decides to tell Tidus to run across, Tidus barely makes it grabbing on the ledge by one hand while Auron is standing just fine. Auron looks up to the massive creature above them.

Auron: So you're sure your not gonna kill us after I let you eat us? That'd really suck if you did and all… Well all right Jecht! You don't have to threaten me about it you know…

Auron picked up Tidus and held him upward.

Auron: Sorry kid, but I'm gonna have to feed you to your dad or he'll get medieval on my ass.

Tidus: huh?

Then through a somewhat disturbing suck-in motion both Tidus and Auron end up inside Sin….

First chapter over! Read and Review please!


	2. The meanest inhabitants of Spira

The Hitchiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 2: The meanest inhabitants of Spira.

_When eaten up by Sin your chances of survival are so damned low, that you should really just commit suicide. Chances are though you'll be out cold during your trip which makes suicide rather superfluous… really._

"Security!"

This sound had been heard at least ten times before Tidus decided he may as well just get up on his own. With a quick look around he found himself in the midst of some crappy ruins.

Tidus: Great. My Security is being ignorant. Also my drunken guardian Auron decided he'd take me with him to a giant whale monster to end up here… yeah I'm in trouble. May as well look around I suppose.

After some searching Tidus was able to conclude he was indeed in some ruins.

Tidus: Where am I? I think Auron probably would have some useful info, but I've forgotten it. Oh well. It looks like there's more land over there!

Tidus eventually found himself on the support beams to the Baaj temple roof; however he was still ignorant to the fact that he was in the Baaj Temple so it was honestly a bit of a moot point to. He was more aware of the fact that after an unfortunate breakage of the beams he was in the water with three Sahagins in front of him.

Tidus: Eeek! Security! Kill them quick!

At that point on of the Sahagins swam toward Tidus, took a bit at his side and then swam back to its buddies forming something like a line a few feet away from Tidus.

Tidus: Okay. I still got my Sword. I'll just kill them in that case!

Tidus swam forward and sliced at the creature with his sword, killing it quite promptly. Next the other two Sahagins took turns nibbling at his sides only to meet, have tea with, go to a party with, and then ultimately die from his sword. Only one survived, but not for long as a big, ugly, big creature came up, bit it and then spat it away.

Tidus: Ahh! Big, Ugly Big Creature of Death! Now what do I do? Security!

B.U.B.C.O.D. swims forward and slams its fist into Tidus, causing him some damage.

Tidus: He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!

Tidus then goes through a long and withheld swim scene that in the long run places him inside the Temple, with the creature outside. After that Tidus went inside to find a campfire.

Tidus: Hmm I can create Fire!

Tidus gathers up some flint and dead flowers and brings them back to the campfire.

Tidus: Now witness, Fire, in my hands!

Tidus then places the flowers in the campfire and proceeds to beat the living daylights out of it with the flint, thinking it would eventually ignite a fire.

Tidus: Come on fire! Ignite!

Eventually the flowers were reduced to a bunch of tiny bits, virtually useless with which to start a fire.

Tidus: Well then I guess I'll just go to sleep! Nighty-night everybody!

Creepy statue off to the side: Nighty-night Tidus!

Tidus' Houseboat---

Auron: It was a bad call. Your team got mugged because of you.

Tidus: Yeah, I'm sorry that I though it'd be funny to taunt the Aurochs. I had no idea eventually they'd turn aggressive and actually attack us…

Auron: Well don't do it again! I'm your guardian, but if you screw up anymore I'll lose face and then I'll just kick you out.

Tidus: This is my house man. All you do is just appear to give me drunken advice. At first you were good at it, making sure I stayed in school and everything but now you're just annoying.

Auron: You'll be sorry!

Auron then stomped out of Tidus' house, and then in comes the mysterious robed boy.

Boy: You cried.

Tidus: Hey get out of here you pervert!

The dream sequence ends with the Boy on the ground reeling in pain, having been kicked in the crotch by Tidus.

Baaj Temple---

_In Tidus' position it is most likely that he would eventually resort to eating rocks, so insane from hunger that he would think it to be stale bread. Eventually he'd end up arguing fiercely with the Creepy Statue off to the side, thinking it was trying to steal his food. Eventually he'd end up breaking it only to realize he lost his only friend in the Temple._

Tidus wakes up to find the fire still isn't lit.

Tidus: Hey! Lazy fire, you were supposed to light while I was asleep! Security! Remove the campfire set from the building!

Instead of Security a very hungry fiend called Klikk arrived instead.

Tidus: Oh noes! El Fiend!

At that point a door self-destructs and out walk five people. The leader of which is wearing a wetsuit that is largely skin-colored making it seem as though the wearer was born missing a few parts of the common Female anatomy…

The girl walks forward to Tidus, pressing her foot down fiercely and getting ready for battle.

Tidus: You on my side? COOL! Yeah I got's me an ally, and it's a girl ally!

The girl sighs and throws a Grenade at Klikk causing it to explode into tiny section that go "splat" all over the temple.

Tidus: Well that was easy. What next?

The girl pulls off her goggles. Then one of the guys grabs Tidus upward and several hold him at gun point.

Guy 1: Y fusyh! Eh Syma tekieca!

Guy 2: Oayr, mad'c gemm ran!

Girl: Fyed! Fryd ev ed ec Syma? Yht pacetac E tuh'd drehg fa cruimt gemm ed yhofyo!

Guy 3: Yff tu fa ryvdy?

Guy 4: Mad'c zicd mayja ed rana du tea!

Girl: Tuh'd pa y dudym fresb oui dudym fresb! Ruhacdmo 007, fana dygehk ed pylg tyshed!

Guy 1: Sayhea...

Al Bhed Ship---

Tidus finds himself on board the ship and attempts to get up, only to find himself forced back to the ground and once more held at gunpoint.

Tidus: Hey you jerk! Let me up, or I'll get hostile and call Security!

Al Bhed: E ryja hu etay fryd ouin cyoehk, pid E tuh'd mega dra fyo oui cyet ed. E drehg E's kuhhy gemm oui huf fusyh.

Tidus: Woah! Okay…

Brother and Rikku show up.

Brother: Nup rec ycc!

Rikku then went over to Tidus and helped him get up, while Brother started performing a rather bad game of charades.

_Al Bhed are the worst charade players in the universe._

Tidus: Uhm okay.

Rikku: He said you can stay if you're useful…

Tidus: Woah, you can understand me!

For his stupidity Tidus was hit from behind by the butt of an Al Bhed's weapon.

Rikku: I have something for you!

Rikku hands Tidus a rather large board full of little indents and paths and those sorts of things.

Tidus: Oh a Sphere Grid. This costs 1 Gil at any antique shop too..

_The use of a Sphere Grid is THE most boring games in all of Spira. The Idea is too fit in little spheres in every single indent. After it was added to the Spira book of world records as "the only game in history where you were likely to commit suicide to avoid playing" It was later changed into a level-up device. The spheres would instead activate Nodes on the board that would magically increase the user's ability. Some prefer the good old fashioned method of magically becoming stronger when you "level-up" but for now this method of becoming stronger is just forced so nyah_

Rikku: Alrighty. We found some ancient ruins beneath us so were going to defy all reason by diving a few yards down into the ocean and not running out of breath even though were going to stay down there for at least thirty minutes.

Tidus: Sounds good to me!

And with that the two leaped into the water…

Chapt two is over! Please Read and Review!

You can find Al Bhed translators easily by running a yahoo search. Just leave out words already in english.


	3. Sin strikes back!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 3: Sin strikes back!

Underwater ruins---

\/

_The average human can survive only around one minute, most likely two max underwater. Therefore it's become reasonable that Blitzball is an impossible game, just as much as diving several yards underwater to some ancient ruins with no breathing devices._

Tidus and Rikku make their way ever so slowly to the ruins, killing the tiny Piranha along the way.

Tidus: Isn't this considered poaching?

Rikku: Most likely!

When they eventually reach the ruin Tidus shows his amazing knowledge of machinery by utilizing a terminal by beating on it… yeah.

Continuing on the group found another piece of machinery that Tidus simply beat on until it responded. Dang stubborn machines, Tidus'll teach you what happens when you don't work!

Then all the lights turned on, but now a new octopus fiend drifted over to the duo.

Octopus: I am (loud noise from falling rubble)…tros! King of the Octopuses!

Tidus: Something called Tros is trying to kill us!

Tros: No it's (more noise)… tros! Not Tros!

Rikku: Your name is Tros, not Tros? That makes no flippin sense.

Tros: Die! Ink!

Tros spat ink at them, but since this is underwater and all it mostly drifted in the wrong direction.

Rikku: Eww, I'm all covered in inky ooze!

Tidus: Kinky…

Rikku: Shut up, this is serious!

Tros at that point grabbed Rikku in his tentacles and began to squeeze her to death.

Tidus: Woah, tentacle porn!

Tros: Die you fool, feel my wrath!

Rikku: Ahh! Help Tidus, it hurts!

Tidus: Yeah I'd imagine so.

Rikku: It's killing me!

Tidus: Don't worry I got a plan! Security! Go retrieve Rikku!

But no security shows up.

Tros: -sigh- why don't you try to use your sword? Watching you go through these dumb plans is growing irritating.

Tidus: Oh yeah!

Tidus swims forward and cuts off several of Tros' tentacles at once, releasing Rikku!

Tros: It's not my lucky day… We'll meet again!

With that Tros swam away in fear, leaving Tidus and Rikku and easy path to safety.

Al Bhed Ship---

\/

As Tidus boards some Al Bhed are in mid conversation.

Al Bhed 1: Fa vuiht dra Airship!

Al Bhed 2: Oaar, nebbehk uvv Setzer's Blackjack cina fac aaco!

Al Bhed 1: Rao, fro tet Rikku aht drad udran kio ku tufh du druca niehc ahofao?

Al Bhed 2: E ryja hu etaa...

Tidus attempted to walk into the innards of the ship, only to be stopped by an Al Bhed. He ended up waiting out on deck until Rikku eventually showed up with some food.

Rikku: Here you go. Our specialty, multi-colored spicy goop.

Tidus: Yeah!

Tidus then ate so fast he began to choke, Rikku handed him a canteen which turned out to be filled with sand.

Rikku: He he, you fell for it!

Tidus: Well whatever. What's your name anyway?

Rikku: Rikku!

Tidus: WOW You really do understand, why if Security was here I'd have them escort us to a nice place to have a date and then back to my place to…

Rikku: nuuu! Too much info!

Tidus: Well whatever. Hey who are you guys anyway?

Rikku: Were Al Bhed can't you tell?

Tidus: You're all bed? Well…. Uhh that's kinda odd.

Rikku: Al Bhed! Were outcasts from the normal human race.

Tidus: Ohh!

Rikku: Anyway… hmm how to explain the Al Bhed?

Tidus: Oh don't worry. I got this guide thingy. Just a sec.

_Al Bhed:_

_Widely considered the meanest snakes in all Spira, more unreasonable than the Ronso, and less accommodating then the Guado. They created their own language for the sake originally of poking fun at anyone they want without being punished. Their catch phrase is: "Oajuh cilgc yht Sylrehy nimac" which is said in public at least three times a day. This phrase translations to: Yevon sucks and Machina rules. They are widely renowned to drink Sand and eat Spicy mush, so no natural human can live with an Al Bhed for more than a week for risk of starvation. Other than that the Al Bhed are nice people, devoted to not follow Yevon at all costs. They're pretty much the only race that has the balls to advance Spira's technology an iota._

Tidus: Well so now I know.

Rikku: You don't hate us do you?

Tidus: Considering I'm on a ship full of them, I'd have to be a damn fool to say I do, but I don't.

Rikku: Where are you from?

Tidus: From Zanarkand. I'm a Blitzball player. Star of the Zanarkand Apes!

From there Tidus went on to tell Rikku about Zanarkand, Blitzball, life there, Sin's attack, all the great dating places, how he was in massive debt, all the vital stuff.

Rikku: Uhh. Are you insane?

Tidus: Why?

Rikku: You said you were from Zanarkand, but Zanarkand was blown to microscopic bits by Sin a thousand years ago!

Tidus: Yay! In that case all records of my debt were whipped out!

Rikku: Oh but you were near Sin so it's Toxin probably mind-raped you.

Tidus: Oh okay. Wait isn't mind-raping illegal?

Rikku: No. Anyway I'm gonna take you to Luca. It's a nice big city so chances are someone will see you. Make sure not to bring up Zanarkand anymore though, Yevon says it's holy, so a massive lynch mob will be up your ass in seconds if you do.

Tidus: Holy? Hell no it isn't!

But it was too late, Rikku was already gone. Tidus was left to ask meaningless questions of himself, when he could simply ask the guide… in fact let's do.

Yevon:

_Yevon is the central basis of religion in Spira. It worships a big weak bug thingy that is known for summoning massive whales to kick the crap out of its followers. Yevon has been forced recently to put down several other up-and-coming religions, such as something called "God" and an even more concerning entity called "The Player". All followers of Yevon are known to be extremely stubborn, and its Maesters are known to be Tricksey and False… yes precious!_

_Luca:_

_Luca is known as the second biggest city in Spira. It also houses the Blitzball arena, and is the opportune place to hold concerts by celebrities, WAY better than the Thunder Plains, but that simple fact is often ignored. Otherwise it is also known as the area where Sphere Break was pulled out of the bowels of hell. It soon replaced Blitzball as the "Hardest game in Spira to beat if you are or are team mates with Tidus/Yuna"._

Tidus get so annoyed after that that he kicked one of the containers off to the side, and almost immediately the ship started going crazy, rocking all over and causing a big fuss.

Tidus: Oh no! I broke the ship! Security, help!

Then a bunch of Al Bhed run out Rikku with them.

Al Bhed: Ec dryd fru E drehg ed ec?

Al Bhed 2: Ed'c Sin! Sin's lusa du tacdnuo ic! ARRR!

Rikku: Addalg! Cruud ad ed!

But then a massive wave sweeps Tidus off an back into Sin.

Sin: Escape me? Ha! Good luck to you for that!

You can't talk smack, 'cause Sin just struck back.

Read and Review.


	4. The worst team in a thousand years

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: THEY JUST AREN'T MINE! ARGH!

Chapter 4: The worst team in a thousand years.

Unknown Sea---

\/

Tidus next was found drifting off shore from Besaid, a quite nice region. Yeah. Except for the fact that is was populated by the Besaid Aurochs…

_The Besaid Aurochs are the worst team in any professional sport, even table tennis. Their common game strategy to just bum-rush the enemy goalie, even though they are mostly weak. Other players usually disregard the whole game unless of course the ball comes to about five feet away from them. Keepa tends to fall asleep, so even balls from frigging mid-field have a high chance of going in, despite that Keepa should know by the time the ball arrives what way it'll travel, supposively making it easy to catch, just not for him. _

_The Besaid Aurochs are the descendents of the Zanarkand Aurochs, so they inherent the amazing suckieness of their ancestors. People born on Besaid are often doomed to be horrendously bad players, so it's questionable as to why Yuna never considered joining, she'd be the best player on the team without any effort._

Tidus is then promptly smacked in the face by a blitzball waking him up.

Tidus: OWw! Who did that? Security!

Wakka: Hey, are you okay over there?

Tidus: Nearly knocked out by a ball that can somehow kill monsters, but other than that I'm fine.

So Tidus swims over to Wakka.

Wakka: Hey you wanna try that move again?

So Tidus kicks the Blitzball a couple feet, somehow amazing the entire team.

Letty: Wow, awesome! We can't even do that… You must be pretty dang elite…

Jassu: He should join the team! Botta, despite being a defender, should stay on the bench so an offensive player can take his place!

Botta: Aww not again… Datto and Wakka are the offensive people, why can't the new offensive player replace them instead?

Keepa: Now that's an idea!

Wakka: Anyway you're no amateur, what team you play for.

Tidus: The Zanarkand Apes!

And with that Wakka immediately punched Tidus in the jaw and then threw himself onto Tidus, beating the crap out of him.

Tidus: AHH! I'm being lynched! Security!

Botta: Aww not again!

Letty: Intervention!

Wakka: You unholy heathen!

Datto, Letty, Botta and Jassu then team up to pull Wakka off Tidus.

Wakka: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!

Keepa: Please not again Wakka… If you kill this potential member I'm afraid to admit that we'll be screwed from the next tourney!

Wakka: Not like we'll win anyway!

Tidus: Hey man, I'm sorry about that but I inhaled Sin's Toxin and now I've lost my mind!

Wakka: Oh. Okay then. Sorry 'bout my reaction brudda! I'm Wakka, coach and captain of the Besaid Aurochs brudda!

Tidus: Are you related to the Zanarkand Aurochs?

Wakka: That's odd… He's intoxicated yet he knows of our team's roots?

Tidus: Anyway I'm hungry. Can we go get some take out?

Wakka: Take…Out? Are you suggesting we steal other people's food?

Tidus: Security! He's being insolent!

Wakka: Well if you want food I can take you back to Besaid Village with me.

Tidus: Alrighty!

So Wakka and Tidus run forward and Wakka leads Tidus to a river.

Tidus: Nice River. Let's get going!

Wakka pushes Tidus from his ass, sending him into the River.

Tidus: Security!

Wakka: Watch out, I'm jumping in!

Then with a huge cannonball Wakka jumps in. After swimming a few miles and poaching on more Piranha Tidus realizes Wakka was gone.

Tidus: Maybe he drowned… Oh I hope so, he's so damn stupid.

But Wakka swims up behind Tidus and gets him in an arm-lock.

Tidus: Security! The dim-wits an assassin!

Wakka: I got a favor to ask you ya?

Tidus: I know you must be poor, but I have no money!

Wakka: Actually I wanted your help for a blitz game.

Tidus: Oh, Sure thing. I love to show off in the blitz sphere!

Wakka: Awesome then! You see there's this big-arse game in Luca, and without you were probably gonna lose.

Tidus: I can only imagine you would. Sure though, I'll play your game.

Besaid Village path---

\/

Wakka and Tidus head toward a cliff, where they get a nice view of the smallest frigging settlement in all Spira. Five huts, a population of about 30 people… How do they do it!

Tidus: Hmm. Look at that place Wakka! Who'd wanna live in such a tiny village?

Wakka: That's where were going…

Tidus! I hate tiny places…

Wakka: I started Blitz at age five, joined the Aurochs at age thirteen, and we never won a game since then.

Tidus: Maybe you're just unlucky?

Wakka: Ehh probably. Anyway afterward I got this fun job involving killing big whales and protecting a suicidal person who likes to summon creatures, but I couldn't focus on this new job. Blitz is just too damn fun for me to quit.

Tidus: You're a slacker then. SLACKER!

Wakka: So I plan to quit Blitz after this tourney, so I've gotta win it or that'd be rather sucky.

Tidus: Alright. What's our goal?

Wakka: ehh… Try and win, but don't get too hopeful.

Tidus: NO! Our goal is to nuke the enemy, beat them and then take all their women for a hot night.

Wakka: Nuke the enemy and then take their women? You SERIOUS!

Tidus: Sure! When you play in a blitz tournament you play to absolutely de-face and ruin the opposition.

Wakka: Cool!

So then the two walk down the village entry where two lovers stop them, Luzzu and Gatta, their nicknames being Luzzer and Gatta-die.

Gatta: Hey there are fiends out today! Be careful!

Tidus: There are no fiends out! I went through all this road and now Fiends!

Luzzu: After surviving Sin's mind-rapping toxin, It'd suck if you croaked it now.

Luzzu and Gatta walk off then.

Tidus: Who are those fags?

Wakka: Luzzu and Gatta, Crusaders.

Tidus: Crews of what?

Wakka: Stop being insolent! CRUSADERS! Anyway here's the village!

Wakka shoes Besaid Village to Tidus.

Tidus: They got any food?

Wakka: No, we all eat rocks. Anyway do you remember the prayer?

Tidus: No what is it?

Wakka flips Tidus off. Tidus punches Wakka a good one.

Wakka: No stupid that's the prayer!

Tidus: Oh okay.

Wakka: Anway, go meet the bald monks at the temple, then we can have lunch.

And with that Wakka walks off.


	5. The Highest Summoner

The Hitchiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 5: The highest summoner.

Crusader's Lodge---

Tidus walks in, hoping to find someone important to the plot, or even someone who wasn't stupid. Sadly he found Luzzu and Gatta, neither of whom fit those requirements.

Gatta: Hey you were attacked by Sin?

Tidus: Uhh… maybe you see I got mind-rapped so I'm not sure.

Luzzu: DAmNit! I want you to tell us where Sin is… NOW!

Tidus: Hey man, I just dunno!

Luzzu: Oh alright.

Tidus: So anyway who are you guys?

Gatta: We Crusaders are sworn to kill Sin, and kill it 'till it croaks! We've been fighting it for eight hundred years.

Tidus: OMG… You've fought for 800 years and it's still not dead? You guys must be pretty sucky then.

Luzzu: Well uhh… Only certain people can kill him. We fight to hold it at bay.

Tidus: Whimps. Who kills Sin then?

Luzzu: I'd like to tell you… but I'm insolent. Go to the temple and find out yourself.

Besaid Temple---

Tidus walks into the Temple, again looking for somebody important. Instead he finds nameless Yevon Monk #1.

Monk #1: It's been ten years since Braska discombobulated Sin, and we just barely got his statue. The Island feels left out.

Tidus: Probably cause it's so damned small.

Monk #1: Wanna know what a High Summoner is? I bet you do.

Tidus: Very well then.

Monk #1: Summoner's are suicidal practitioners of sacred arts. It's quite popular amongst people who wanna give up their lives without going to HELL!

Tidus: Okay… what do they do?

Monk #1: They summon big mean creatures called Aeons, who like to slaughter things that are against summoners. The Summoner then kills Sin.

Tidus: Oh cool. See you guys later, its lunch time!

Monk #1: Oh very well.

So Tidus leaves and heads to Wakka's house.

Wakka's House---

Tidus: Hey can we have din-din now?

Wakka: No time for lunch yet. Go take a nap.

Tidus: I'm not tired!

Wakka injects Tidus with a tranquilization serum, and Tidus immediately knocks out.

Wakka: Now you are.

An hour later---

Monk #1 walks in, Tidus is well knocked out on Wakka's bed and Wakka's just sitting on his chair not preparing Lunch like he said he would.

Monk #1: Hey after a democratic vote, it's down to you to see if Yuna croaked it or not.

Wakka: But it'd be against the rules to go in!

Monk #1: You're a Guardian doofus. You have every right to go check on them a second. It's simple: Go find Lulu, ask her: "Yuna didn't croak it, right?" Get her answer and report back. It's been three days anyway…

The two guys walk off as Tidus slips into a dream…

Tidus and his mother are standing around on their houseboat, speaking to the authorities.

Random guy: It's been three days…

Tidus' mom: But he might just croak it!

Random Guy: People are already looking… but you should know he's probably already dead.

RG walks off leaving Tidus and his mother alone.

Chibi-Tidus: Who cares about Jecht?

Mother: Speak of your father with respect insolent demon-child!

Chibi-Tidus: Fine, let him die and I hope it's painful!

Mother: But if he dies, you'll never tell him how much you hate him!

Chibi-Tidus: That's a bad reason to hope he lives…

Tidus at this point wakes up to find the village deserted. Therefore he goes to inspect the Temple. Surely somebody's there right?

_Tidus' mom was freaking obsessed with Jecht, and basically decided life isn't worth living without him._

Besaid Temple---

Tidus finds the Temple rather crowded with Monk #1 and Wakka in conversation.

Monk #1: Just go in Wakka! The whole village had a vote and it's your job!

Villager #1: Come on Wakka, peer pressure!

Wakka: But the teachings man! I'd have to kill myself if I did that!

Tidus walks up to the guys.

Tidus: What's going on?

Wakka: The apprentice Summoner is taking her damn sweet time to get on with obtaining Valefor and everyone's getting impatient now.

Tidus: I'll go check up on her.

Tidus begins to run up the stairs to the Cloister of Trials but Monk #1 yells at him.

Monk #1: You can't go up there, the bug thingy we worship said so!

Tidus: Screw off!

Tidus runs into the Cloister of Trials…

Cloister of Trials-Besaid---

_The Cloister of Trials are typically exceptionally simple to pass through. Only a fool would believe them to be difficult._

Tidus runs forward to touch the Glyph on the wall, which causes another Glyph. After touching that a wall opens allowing Tidus to move onward.

Tidus: Cool, aren't I smart?

So Tidus continue on to find a sphere.

Tidus: Cool! A Marble! Better add it to my collection, but later.

Tidus next finds a big old door that refuses to open.

Tidus: Hey, open up!

Door: I want the sphere… someone give me the sphere! Gimme!

So Tidus gives the door it's sphere. After moving on Tidus finds another sphere, a blue one.

Tidus: Maybe the Pedastal some time ago would like this one?

As it turned out the Pedestal did want it. The pedestal also wanted to be moved forward to a dead end. Magically however, an elevator was spawned when the pedestal hit the place it wanted to be. At that point Wakka showed up.

Wakka: Hey, I thought for sure you'd turn back when you realized how hard the trials are, but I guess you haven't.

Tidus: Why're you here, I thought some insect said going in here was illegal?

Wakka: Only Summoners, Apprentice Summoners, and Guardians can come in here. And I just so happen to be a Guardian.

Tidus: Heh, not really all that impressive.

Wakka: …Anyway Summoners go on a pilgrimage across Spira to get Aeons, and then defeat Sin. Guardians protect them. Two Guardians are ahead with the Apprentice Summoner, but since were here we may as well just go wait with 'em.

Tidus: Alrighty then!

Antechamber---

Tidus and Wakka enter to find A woman and Tiger-like creature waiting.

Lulu: Damnit Wakka, I said not to follow us. Thought we were inept huh?

Wakka: It's been three days! The villagers decided to lay some peer pressure on me to check on you guys.

Lulu: Hmm. I thought so. You are a fool. Anyway who's that guy there?

Tidus is spared having to answer however, as Yuna suddenly comes walking in looking like someone had mugged her, beat her up and left her for dead. She starts to stumble down the stairs, until she suddenly trips, and falls face first to the ground, luckily not breaking her neck. Khimari just sits there sadly ignoring Yuna's fall.

Yuna: Damnit Khimari! Oh well.

Yuna stands back up.

Yuna Hi everyone! I'm a summoner now!

Besaid Village---

Yuna: Lookey everyone, I'm gonna be calling Valefor now!

So Yuna does. Valefor crashes in from the sky and lands next to Yuna, demanding her to stroke it a little before taking off again.

That Night---

_People in Spira t__end to get rather negative to people who want change, especially to those who break the teachings. Followers of Yevon are commonly complete morons._

Tidus is speaking to the Besaid Aurochs now.

Wakka: Hey everyone, this guy wanted to play the tourney so bad, I let him on the team.

Keepa (To Letty): I think Wakka probably begged the guy to join…

Letty: No kidding.

Wakka: Anyway We have a new plan guys, and I sure as hell ain't to do your best anymore!

Tidus: Our new goal is to nuke the enemy, beat them and then take all their women for a hot night!

Aurochs (except Wakka): Woah, that kind of plan might just catch on!

So next Tidus walked over to Yuna.

Stupid old man: You Heathan!

Stupid old lady: Stay away from the Summoner!

Stupid kid: You're a demon man!

Tidus: Shut up dim wits! Security!

At this point the Aurochs (Except Wakka) run up and start beating the crap out of the three stupids. Tidus now walks over to Yuna.

Tidus: Hey that Aeon thingy was pretty cool.

Yuna: Oh thanks. You think I can possibly become high summoner?

Tidus: I'll bet you become the Highest summoner that actually does kill Sin.

Yuna: Ehh, most likely. I am after all fairly awesome. I hate this dumb Summoner Dressphere, as soon as I get out of this danged Village I'm putting my Gunner sphere back on.

Tidus: Dressphere?

Yuna: Check the Guide you have with you.

Yuna walks off at that point…

The first of the soon to be many FFX/FFX-2 crossovers takes place here!

Read and Review!


	6. On the road again

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 6: I can't wait to get on the road again!

* * *

Besaid Dock

Tidus walks up to the boat and happens to find Yuna in her Gunner Dresphere just standing there.

Yuna: Where's that damn boat? Everyone's gonna see me in this If It doesn't come soon!

Tidus: I thought you liked that outfit?

Yuna: Sure, but If people see me in this I'll lose face!

Tidus: Why not change?

Yuna: I lost my Garment Grid.

Tidus: Then just take the outfit off.

So Yuna does, throwing it into the water.

Yuna: Damn it's kinda cold!

Tidus: You realize I was just kidding?

Yuna: DAMN!

So Yuna jumps into the water and gets immediately attacked by Tros, who drags her down to the deeps. Rikku walks up.

Rikku: Hey!

Tidus: Hey.

Yuna climbs back onto the dock now in her Songstress Dresphere.

Yuna: I found this. I'll just have to wear it I guess.

Rikku: Possessed outfit! I'll burn it!

So Rikku kindles a Campfire and burns the possessed outfit.

Yuna: Now I'm without my clothes again…

Rikku: Don't worry Yunie, I'll make it better!

So Rikku throws her outfit into the water as well.

_Those who really get to know Rikku know that sort of thing isn't so odd for her to do._

Yuna: Anyway, can you please take me to Zanarkand?

Rikku: You said you'd take me!

Tidus: Now hold on ladies… I'll take both of you _all _the way to Zanarkand!

Jecht: Hey you perv!

Rikku and Yuna warp to Jecht's side, just like all the girls in Zanarkand, except that the girls in Zanarkand usually had clothes on.

Jecht: See? No Woman likes you!

Tidus: Damnit, I hate you!

Jecht: Duh What?

Yuna & Rikku: (Condescending words I can't be bothered to include)

Tidus: I HATE YOU!

Jecht: Woah, he hates me!

Jecht runs off crying.

* * *

Crusader's Lodge

Tidus springs up screaming "I HATE YOU!" unknowing that Yuna was right beside him.

Yuna: -crying- Really?

Yuna runs off sobbing.

Tidus hears voices outside so he sneaks up to the cloth door and peaks out, seeing Lulu and Wakka in mid argument.

Lulu: Chappu's dead! Can't you see the emotional scars you're causing me by mentioning him again? That kid doesn't even look like Chappu!

Wakka: Yeah but… Well I needed to bribe him to play the Blitz game with the team!

Lulu: Well fine, but you'll regret bringing him in!

Lulu storms off. Wakka walks into the room a second later.

Tidus: Who's Chappu?

Wakka: My brother. He looked like you.

_No he didn't._

Tidus: So does Shuyin. It's a conspiracy honestly.

Wakka: huh?

Tidus: Don't worry about it. Anyway thanks for all the help, but now I've gotta get my beauty sleep!

Wakka runs out very afraid.

* * *

The Next Day - Besaid Village

Tidus walks out to find Wakka and Lulu standing around.

Tidus: Let's go, go, and go!

Wakka: Wait! I got a sword for you to use!

So Wakka hands Tidus a nice blue Sword.

Lulu: But… that was Chappu's... you are so insensitive!

Wakka: Sorry Lu, but he didn't want it anyway. Bastard decided to use a Machina Gun… Anyone he uses a Machina gun deserves to diiiiieeee, so it's a good thing people like us, especially Yuna, would never use them!

Tidus: So where's Yuna?

Lulu: Temple.

Yuna however stumbles out of the temple, carrying a few large bags of luggage.

Lulu: Lose that stuff Yuna, It'll slow us down!

Yuna: It's uhh…. Gifts for the temples!

Lulu however goes to inspect.

Lulu: Clothes… Guns… Swords… Staffs. Dang Yuna your bringing enough gear to equip seventeen different job classes with varying abilities!

Yuna: eh… funny you should mention that!

Wakka: Why do the temples want us to transport weapons?

Yuna: Uhm… They need equipment for assassins?

Lulu: Well that's good and acceptable.

Wakka: But it'll still slow us down so lose it!

Yuna: just let me bring at least four of them along?

Wakka: Oh very well.

Yuna gathers up all the stuff related to the Gunner, Songstress, Lady Luck and Floral Fallal Dresspheres, and places them in Tidus' Magic Bag.

_It's well known that on Long Journeys a Magic Bag to place all your items in is necessary. These awesome things never run out of room, unless you try to carry more than 99 of any type of item._

* * *

Besaid Island-Path to Beach

The party walks forward when Yuna suddenly breaths a sigh of relief.

Yuna: Okay then. I gotta go change behind that bush over there. Nobody come peaking!

Wakka and Tidus equip their "See through bush" goggle when suddenly a doggy runs up to them.

Wakka: FIEND! Okay new guy, try that Sword out on it!

Tidus runs up to it, planning to have it greet his sword Brotherhood, but a bullet slams into the Fiend, killing it before Tidus gets close.

Yuna: Come on! There's no time for goofing around!

Yuna had changed into her Gunner dressphere while Tidus was running forward to attack.

Tidus: Okay then miss.

Next a birdie flies up.

Wakka: Cool, my tur….

But another bullet from Yuna puts that Fiend down to.

Yuna: See how awesome technology is? Beats the pants off Swords, Magic and Blitzballs don't it?

Wakka: Show off.

So they continue on this time running into a Slime.

Wakka: Yeah! Finally a fiend resistant to physical attacks, Yuna won't be putting this one dow….

But an Enchanted Ammo (Deals Magic Damage) Bullet from Yuna's gun puts that one down too.

Lulu: -sigh- With a summoner like this who needs Guardians?

Tidus: No kidding…

Eventually Tidus decides to run ahead to see if he could actually find a Fiend he could kill when a mean Blue anthropomorphic Tiger jumps from the sky and looks at Tidus, looking quite pissed off at him. The Tiger runs forward and slices Tidus a good one with his spear. Tidus then runs forward and cuts the tiger a good one with the Brotherhood. This goes on for a while until eventually Wakka shows up.

Wakka: Hey cut it out!

The Tiger then stomps off looking disappointed.

Tidus: Who was that?

Lulu: Khimari. He's unimportant.

Yuna: Khimari doesn't talk much. It's fun to joke about him behind his back.

Tidus: That's rather rude…

So continuing on the group encounters a very large and very mean Rok.

Wakka: Wooe! Yuna, you'd better summon an Aeon!

Yuna: Eh, who needs Aeons?

Yuna spherechanges into the Floral Fallal Dresphere and then proceeds to lay waste to the Fiend.

Wakka: Yuna can we please be allowed to battle sometime during the trip? Is that just too much to ask?

Yuna: We have no time to waste! You guys take to long to kill things!

Wakka: Well whatever.

So continuing on the group reaches the dock and boards the S.S. Likki.

* * *

Chapter six over! Read and review! 


	7. Boats are bad news

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 7: Boats are bad news.

S.S. Likki---

\/

Tidus walks around on deck, and finds a nice pair of binoculars. Only problem is, they're owned by someone. So what does Tidus do? He steals 'em of course! After looking around a little he comes upon something that really catches his interests… Lulu's cleavage. Rrrrriiiigggghhhhtttt….

Two Hours Later---

\/

Tidus is still being perverted, unaware that sometime during his… whale watching Lulu had noticed and gotten right in his face. He was of course unaware until Lulu had to push him off the boat. After climbing back on Tidus decided to speak with Wakka.

Wakka: By the way were heading to Kilika Island. There Yuna's gonna get a new Aeon

–doubtful as it is that she'll actually use it…- and we can pray for victory there to!

Tidus: Awesome plan! It's just so awesome not even Auron could think of it!

So Tidus decides to head out to the holds but it subsequently stopped by Lulu.

Lulu: I don't know who you are… but if you interfere were gonna kick your ass.

Tidus: Alright, thanks for being to nice!

Holds---

\/

Tidus walks in only be immediately addressed by… someone.

Oaka: Hmm those clothes are pretty cool.

Tidus: Oh my god! He wants me to strip!

Oaka: No of course not. Sadly though they'll never sell or my name's not Oaka!

Tidus: Hi Bob!

Oaka: …Anyway my name's Oaka XXIII, Merchant Extraordinaire!

Tidus: Oaka the who?

Oaka: Oaka XXIII, Merchant Extraordinaire!

Tidus: Oaka the who?

Sadly this went on several hours…

Oaka: You say you never heard of me? Well… Nobody really has. But soon I'll be famous!

Yuan (Yelling from above deck): Famous as being a cheapskate!

Oaka: Can I have some Gil lad? I'll make it up to ye!

Tidus: Here's 1 gil.

Oaka: I guess It pays to ask! Thank ye kindly lad! Fine seed money for the Oaka Empire!

Tidus: Good luck with that Darth Oaka.

Finding nothing else (Except for Luzzer and Gatta-die, but they don't really count as important) Tidus returns to the deck and finds Yuna, still in her Gunner Dressphere.

Yuna: The wind… It's starting into a gale.

Yuna and Tidus start laughing over absolutely nothing at this point.

_See? I said they laugh over nothing!_

Yuna: So you're a Blitzball players from Zanarkand?

Tidus: Wakka tell you? He doesn't believe me…

Yuna: Well what can you do when were talking about a dumb guy? I do believe you though.

Tidus: Yeah… It's nice to have a woman who wears haunted clothes, throws her clothes out to see, dives in to grab them again while risking drowning or freezing since she's naked as well as things like sharks, calls nasty beasts into battle, turns into a flower, uses a gun, hopes to kill enemies with cards, is obsessed over things being connected, among other things think your right.

Yuna: See? My opinions are _very _valid.

Tidus: rrrigghhhttt.

Yuna: Anyway I believe you since a man named Jecht –who was a drunkard- told me all about Zanarkand. He guarded my daddy on his pilgrimage.

Tidus: Woah you believed my dad?

Yuna: Sir Jecht's your dad? Oh goody! Our meeting must be the blessing of the whimpy bug thingy that likes to kick our asses using a massive whale, that we worship.

Tidus: Sadly though It couldn't be Jecht.

Yuna:( why not?

Tidus: 'Cause Jecht croaked it ten years ago off the coast of Zanarkand. We later blamed in on the Zanarkand Aurochs.

Yuna: But Sir Jecht arrived in Spira at that time to nyah!

Tidus: But how could Jecht be here?

Yuna: You're here?

At that point the ship starts going berserk, the cause being revealed at Sin.

Tidus: Hey Yuna let's just ask Sin over there! That's how I got to Spira!

Yuna: Hey Mr. Sin did you happen to drop Jecht off here oh say ten years ago?

Sin however ignores her and rocks the ship more making Yuna go flying off. Yuna manages to grab a harpoon, and even accidentally shoots Khimari with it as he rushed forward to save her. Eventually however the ship got stable. At this point a couple of Kilikans got a really bad idea.

Kilikan: Let's Harpoon Sin, It's bound to be fun!

Wakka: Hey, do that and were all gonna die!

Kilikan: Back off Wakka! Were trying to distract Sin from Kilika island!

Lulu: That's fairly useless. Sin probably won't even feel the harpoons.

Wakka: And besides that you'd rather get Sin to focus on _us_?

Kilikan: But were still stupid enough to try!

So the two Kilikans shoot harpoons in Sin, one misses one hits. Shortly after A few Sinscales shoot off Sin's back and attack the party!

Tidus: Wait… this seems familiar!

Wakka: Think on it later!

So Tidus and Khimari rush forward to hold off the Sinscales while Lulu, Wakka and Yuna throw everything they've got at Sin's fin… Literally!

Wakka: I ran out of Blitzballs!

Lulu: I'm out of Dolls!

Yuna: And I'm out of Guns!

Lulu: Why are we throwing things at Sin? Why not actually attack it normally?

Meanwhile however Sin breaks free of the Harpoon and swims off to Kilika.

Tidus: Well at least Sin's gone. Wait a tick! I feel like jumping in the ocean. By everyone!

So Tidus does. Soon after Wakka decides to jump after him and finds him being picked on by Sinscales. Even sooner after another Sinspawn shows up, Oh Noes!

Tidus: Another Sinspawn!

Wakka: We kill it!

Shortly afterward however Tros swims up as well!

Tros: Revenge time! You'll learn not to irritate –loud noise-…tros, Octopus King!

Tidus: I suggest we retreat Wakka!

Wakka: Alrighty!

So the two blitzers swim back up to the ship, leaving the two seagoing fiends to fight the good fight.

Kilika Island---

\/

Sin closes in on Kilika as the screen shifts to a Mother watching her children playing on the harbor. The children soon notice Sin closing in on the town.

Kid: Mommy, what's that?

Mother: -sigh- That's death child. I hope you've been good, cause were about to die.

And so they do. The whole town is totally oblitzerated off the face of Spira. Well not the whole thing but pretty dang close.

Chapter seven's over, so read and review, or the story may just end… Mwa ha ha ha!


	8. Yuna's voodoo dance

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 8: Yuna performs the Dance of the Dead, and Romiko Takahashi's set to begin lawsuits on Square.

* * *

Kilika Island:

Tidus and crew arrive at the broken up collection of wooden houses, when suddenly a couple of stupid people walk up.

Stupid Woman: Oh thank Gawd, it's a Summoner!

Stupid Man: We were afraid all our dead buddies would transmogrify into fiends!

Yuna: Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm bad-ass. Where's you're dead?

Stupid Man: This way lady!

The three of them walk off.

Tidus: This town is strange though isn't it?

Lulu: I'm gonna go watch Yuna.

Lulu walks off.

Wakka: Hey come on, were gonna go help in town!

Tidus: No way man! I'm much too important for menial labor!

Tidus walks off to go watch Yuna as well.

* * *

Kilika Docks:

Tidus arrives in time to see Yuna paddle out to the collection of dead people on a small boat.

Tidus: Hey should she have been doing something a little more. . . Jesusie for this occasion?

Lulu: Yes, but Yuna likes to just wing it. I suggested she walk out over the water but she said she wasn't gonna risk getting Shark attack'd.

So over to Yuna. She turns around in her boat over to the Kilikans.

Yuna: Hey look at the bad-ass Summoner everyone!

In a flash Yuna strips off her Summoner's outfit, revealing her in her Songstress outfit and sudden cloud movement makes it appear a single light is shining down on her. She then begins to sing A Thousand Words. Slowly Pyrflies swirl around her and disperse into the sky. Eventually scene cuts to Tidus and Lulu watching.

Tidus: What's a sending? Are we going somewhere?

Lulu: You have The Guide don't you?

Tidus: Oh yeah, I had forgotten about it.

_The Sending:_

_A Summoner can do a creepy voodoo dance that causes shiny lights to drift off into the sky and disperse. Suposively this act will stop fiends from popping up around where people croak it, but it seems by now due to how many fiends still exist in Spira that the whole thing us just another of Yevon's lies, and that the Sending was really conceived to make sure ill-speakers to Yevon didn't come back when fatal "accidents" occurred on them._

Tidus: Ahh I see, so Yuna's doing it because every one of those dead people was against Yevon?

Lulu: Wakka would say that's not why, but that they obviously were against Yevon since Sin got them, but I think Yuna's just trying to show off honestly.

Tidus: Yeah she seems to be enjoying the attention.

Yuna at this point comes paddling back in, with her Summoner outfit back on.

Yuna: Hey everyone, aren't I a Bad-Ass Freakin Overlord Summoner? Come on, how awesome was _that _sending? I mean, how could dad be better than the great Yuna?

Lulu: Right Yuna. Whatever it is you say.

Tidus: _Yuna's dance was really spooky. I was kinda hoping not to have to see it again._

_Note:_

_Due to the extremely high death-rate in Spira, the odds were likely that Tidus would see Yuna's dance again, unless of course something was hindering his eye-sight-connection to Yuna at the time._

* * *

The Next Day, Kilika Island:

Tidus woke up to see a strange kid wandering around.

Kid: I'm gonna be a Blitzball when I grow up!

Tidus: Hey cool, you wanna practice being a ball with a real player?

Kid: Sure!

Tidus delivers a hard kick to the gut of the Kid, sending him flying through the wall of the Inn and into the conveniently placed Goal Posts. Everyone who saw Tidus' kick cheered for at least an hour and a minute, before realizing the Kid had drowned in that time. Tidus then become Kilika's most wanted, but it didn't really matter at all in the long run. At this point Wakka runs in.

Wakka: Hey, we're heading for the Temple, let's go!

* * *

Kilika Woods:

Tidus and Wakka walk up to the other people who are already gathered around.

Yuna: Hey new guy, I wanted you to be a Guardian of mine!

Wakka: What! What! Yuna this isn't a joke!

Yuna: Shut up Wakka, your opinions fail to count anyway. That's why you're not gonna be in FFX-2!

Lulu: What in Yevon's name is FFX-2?

Yuna: The sequel to our story, where I and a future Guardian will star it. You, Lulu, will be left out cause your too gothic, Wakka and Khimari are too stupid, and I wasn't told the reason why the new guy and the other guy who's gonna be another Guardian later, because Square said it would be a spoiler.

Wakka: What? Oh what's it matter, anyway Yuna, he's a newb, and so he can't be a Guardian! Leave the Guarding to us uber veterans!

Suddenly a Sinscale walks forward and begins to beat Wakka and Khimari senseless, Lulu just watches it happen because she's too useful to be degraded like the comparatively less useful Wakka and Khimari.

Yuna: Well even if you're not a Guardian, can't you at least travel with me?

Tidus: Yeah sure.

Lulu: Hey, let's go to the Temple now, we'll think on the way.

So the party moves forward to find a large fiend blocking the way, Luzzer and Gatta-die show up.

Luzzu: Hey, you better stop there. That fiend is powerful; we could throw a hundred crusaders at it and still lose. 'Course we could come up with a better strategy than using a Catapult to fling troops at it, but our strategists are sure it'll work if we do it long enough.

Tidus: Right. How about this for a strategy? DIE CREATURE!

So Tidus runs forward over to Lord Ochu and begins to slice the brotherhood against it. Eventually it notices him and promptly shoves him down its mouth appendage.

Wakka: Ha ha, newb!

Lord Ochu then exhales its poison gas breath thing that instantly knocks out Wakka and Khimari.

Lulu: -sigh- Fire!

Fire begins sprouting all over the fiend, distracting it while Yuna thinks of something.

Yuna: Hmm maybe I'll send Valefore after it?

So Yuna summons the bird creature, which demands Yuna stroke it first before it begins to fight. Then Lord Ochu leaps forward, slices into Valefore and brings out down.

Lulu: Oh very well. Fira!

Lord Ochu: Big Wave!

A tidal wave suddenly washes Lulu and her spell away.

Yuna: OO wow, that thing knows FF4 magic! I suppose I'll just have to. . .

Fire 3!

The Ochu bursts into flames, as five people walk by, A man wearing mostly white, a man in armor that looks shaped after a dragon, another man dressed kinda like a Ninja, a woman wearing a white cape and not much else, and finally another woman with an obvious fetish for the color green, that looked most likely like she cast the Spell. They all walk passed Yuna while simultaneously ignoring her.

Yuna: Hm. . . Looks like Plasma Knight's played FF4 recently. Too bad I didn't get to finish off that fiend.

Luzzer: I told it was tough; see why catapulting crusaders at it won't work?

Yuna: Because It's a stupid plan?

Luzzer: Uhm. Yes I suppose that works.

* * *

Further down the path:

Yuna and her Guardians are now moving on again.

Yuna: I'd like to announce for the world to hear that you guys all suck. I had to save myself from that fiend.

Wakka: Sorry Yuna, but when you're a veteran it's just a shock when you lose.

Lulu: Wakka, I've been on one more Pilgrimage then you, I'm the Veteran here, and you're still just a Newbie.

Wakka: Nooo! Why!

Tidus: Well anyway that staircase is _really _nice. Let's race up it!

Yuna: Okay, I'll start it! Go!

Suddenly everyone else takes off, leaving Tidus confused somehow.

Lulu: Heh, heh, Kids.

Tidus: What Lulu, are you old?

And that's when Tidus was hit by Ultima, but he somehow survived it anyway. Quite suddenly Wakka and the Aurochs come running down the steps, screaming like girls.

Wakka: Eeekk! Big nasty Sinspawn, and it's got YUNA!

Lulu: Oh god no!

So they run up the steps to find Yuna captured in the claws of the Sinspawn. Tidus rushes forward to attempt to slice it apart with his sword. Sadly the sword does nothing against the Sinspawn's hard shell.

Wakka: Don't worry, I've got an idea!

Wakka throws his ball at the Sinspawn, only to have it ricochet and hit him square in the face.

Lulu: Great plan Wakka. Fire!

The Tentacles off to side absorb the spell though.

Lulu: Well that's it. We're doomed.

Tidus, Wakka and Lulu start running around in confused circle, while Khimari watches on sadly. Eventually Khimari gets fed up with the display of stupidity, so he slices the two tentacles in half.

Khimari: There. Lulu, use Fire now!

Tidus: Woah it talked!

Lulu: Fire!

Sinspawn: -sniff- -sniff- hmm what is that delightful smell? Smells like barbecue. Oh no that's me!

Sinspawn then opens up and attempts to put itself out when Tidus, Wakka and Khimari strike at once and kill it. Yuna is saved, yay!

Yuna: That's a relief. After that Ochu incident I thought for sure it was all over when that thing got me.

Tidus: Well. Thanks for that vote of confidence.

Yuna: Anytime!

* * *

Well read and review! Do it! It's not like it's hard damnit! 


	9. Final Fantasy X is on FIRE!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea. Credit to Darkboy77 since I stole the name for one ofhis story for the chapter title of this chapter.

Chapter 9: Final Fantasy is on FIRE!

* * *

Kilika Temple:

Tidus and crew walk up the steps, slowly coming closer the Temple of Fire.

Wakka: Hey new kid, were there Fiend in Zanarkand too?

Tidus: Well, considering you don't believe in Zanarkand, I suppose that's a no. Next question somebody!

Wakka: I've been thinking.

Yuna: Wakka, we told you what happens when you think…

Wakka: Maybe people Sin discombobulates don't die, they just zip through time and they pop up one day?

Lulu: Wakka, Chappu's corpse was identified, you're brother's dead, get over it, whiner. You keep trying to replace Lord Braska and Sir Jecht, but it just can't be done.

Yuna: Yeah, I have no intention of replacing Father, I'm gonna outdo him! I'm gonna overshadow him, and show that women can be Summoner's too! Yeah, who's with me?

Tidus: I am!

Yuna: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

Wakka slams his fist into the cement.

Wakka: I'll never be what Chappu was.

Tidus: A Crusader? A fake of me? Lulu's boyfriend, whom she cares more for than said boyfriend's brother by a long shot?

Wakka: Pretty much.

Wakka gets up however and continues on with the rest of the group to Kilika Temple.

* * *

Kilika Temple:

The Aurochs and the Summoner group walk over to the entrance to the Temple when suddenly a bunch of people in Purple show up.

Wakka: It's Bickson! Initiate the plan!

Letty then pulls a rope, which causes a complex series of pullies and levers and weighted devices to eventually cause a Scythe to swing straight at Bickson… or at least where he had been some five minutes ago. Instead the Scythe hit some old follower of Yevon, who has luckily not important in the slightest to the story.

Bickson: So Wakka, that makes to date, six hundred fifty four thousand, and three hundred seventy nine assassination attempts. Where did you ever find the time to make up so many botched attempts at killing me?

Wakka: Well whatever, we've got a new player, and a new motto, so this time the Luca Goers are gonna suck it!

Bickson: Luca Goers? Not any more. Notice we're all in purple? We decided to change our names to the Luca Pimps Goers.

Wakka: Damnit! Now we'll need a whole new plan. I can't believe such a problem to our plan could have arisen so close to the game…

Bickson: Well remember, even Kid's can play boys!

Grav: Hey… wasn't that insulting us?

Abus: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was.

Grav: Have you got some problem with the Luca Pimp Goers Bickson? You could be removed you know.

Bickson: Silence underling! I'm the overlord of the Goers, and don't forget it!

So the overlord and his underlings walk out, while Wakka makes a new strategy with Letty.

Lulu: Happens every year.

Tidus: What?

Lulu: Wakka ALWAYS decides to pray here, and the Goers know that, so they ALWAYS show up too, so they can announce they've made some minor change to their team, and since Wakka's so uptight about Blitzball he always ruins whatever strategy for the games he spent a whole year creating, cause he thinks some newbie players, a change in their uniforms, or a change in their name could easily change the course of the whole tournament.

Tidus: Wow. Think I should take over as captain this time?

Lulu: I suggest that to Yuna every single year as well, but once you see Wakka when he's fully evolved into the Captain's Spirit mode, which happens the day before the tournament, you won't want to ask.

Yuna: Well can we enter now so the Bad-Ass Summoner can get herself a new Bad-Ass Aeon?

Tidus: Sure, Yuna.

* * *

Inside Kilika Temple:

Wakka immediately rushes over to the statue of Summoner Olhaland, where he begins to pray for the Auroch's success.

Farplane:

Lord Gandoff, Lord Olhalland, and Lord Braska are all standing around in the Middle of a Drinking game.

Braska: Hey Ohalland got anything planned today?

Ohalland: Nope, looks like some Blitzball team is trying to get me to help em' out, but I'll ignore them. Maybe I'll even curse them, that's always fun.

Gandof: Dude, Braska, I thought giving up my life to kill Sin would suck, but being dead is awesome!

Braska: That it is!

Ohalland: Another round gentlemen!

Inside Kilika Temple:

Wakka: Yep, I can feel Lord Ohalland's gentle rain of luck already.

Lulu: But Wakka, that's not rain!

Tidus and Yuna start snickering until a mean woman who seems to have trouble affording clothes struts over to Yuna.

Bitch: You're Yuna aren't you?

Yuna: Yes I would be well known, I'm pretty bad-assed after all.

Bitch: Dona.

Yuna: Didn't ask your name, Common-Summoner.

Suddenly Dona's one inept Guardian stumps on over to the inevitable cat-fight.

Dona: Why do you have so many Guardians?

Yuna: Because that's how many people want to travel with the best Summoner there is and was.

Dona: I need only one, right Barthello?

Barthello:…

Khimari, insulted by Barthello's rude comment about all their mothers, walks up to him and begins an argument.

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

Khimari:…

Barthello:…

And then the fists start flying. Meanwhile.

Dona: My Guardian is better than all yours. Bye.

Dona and Barthello quite simply walk off. Yuna and her Guardians all walked off into the next room. There they all bungled up into the Elevator, except Tidus who was promptly pushed out by Khimari.

Tidus: Hey what the hell!

Lulu: You're not a Guardian yet, so you sit in the waiting room.

Yuna: We'll be finished soon.

Tidus: Yeah, like tomorrow no doubt!

-silence-

Yuna: Might wanna get set for maybe a week, just in case.

The elevator moved downward, the occupants were spared having to listen to Tidus' string of curses as he stomped himself out of the room. He instead found to his surprise the door magically wouldn't open. He was therefore forced to attempt to use the elevator, knowing it wouldn't open, but guessing it might just progress the plotline a bit. Suddenly Dona and Barthello show up.

Dona: Where'd Yuna go?

Tidus: Into the chamber.

Dona: Why are you here?

Tidus: They said no newbies allowed.

Dona: Oh!

With that Barthello shoves Tidus bodily into the elevator, which magically gets moving downward.

Tidus: Oh damnit! Curse you Dona, curse you I say!

Tidus found he had no way to progress but to solve the Cloister of Trials, which he succeeded doing, coming out with a few lacerations, a few third degree burns, and a glass of lemonade. When he arrived at the Waiting room, Lulu and Wakka flipped out on him.

Lulu: What the hell are you doing here?

Tidus: It was Dona's fault! Don't blame me man!

Wakka: Yuna will suffer the consequences!

Lulu: She might be kicked out of the religion.

Tidus: but wouldn't that be a good thing? Then we wouldn't have to bugger around with all this crap about serving Yevon any more.

Wakka: Let it be known that once you outlive your usefulness, Death shall take you swiftly!

Tidus and Lulu look at Wakka pretty shocked at his statement.

Tidus: So what's in there?

Lulu: Chamber of the faith. That's where Yuna gets her Aeon.

Wakka: Only Summoners can enter.

Tidus: Guardians can't go?

Wakka: Nope, it's Taboo!

Quite suddenly Yuna comes strutting out.

Yuna: Hey everyone, I just got Ifrit!

Lulu: Oooh. That's nice, but what about Bahamut? Hell, do you got Crusader yet Yuna?

Wakka: What about Mist Dragon? Or Ragnarok?

Yuna: I'm working on it!

Tidus: _I remembered that tune when I was a kid, it reminded me of home. I felt like breaking the "Yuna's all important" trend we've going on for a while so I could tell them, but I thought It would be inappropriate._

* * *

Outside Kilika Temple:

Tidus watches Yuna get swarmed by her many fanboys, which reminded him of all the fanboys he had back in…. I mean fangirls he had back in Zanarkand. This made him all depressed and sad. Kinda like this :(. Yuna quickly catches on.

Yuna: What's wrong?

Tidus: I dunno…

Yuna: Is there anything… you want to do?

Tidus: Scream my head off.

So he did, which caused 5.2 people to give up on their lives.

* * *

Well read and review! Do it, Do it now!

I'm waiting.


	10. ANOTHER boat!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 10: ANOTHER boat?

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall.

* * *

Auron's Fan: Thanks for all the reviews! It's nice to know you think my story Is great! 

mosherman: Don't get all hurt over it man. You're comments are accepted, but I'm still gonna continue my story anyway. If people shouldn't spoof on copyrighted things, over half of the Parody/Humor stories on won't exist.

SETH: Thonx!

Thlayli the Furhead: Sorry man, but that won't be for a while LOL! I try to update every week, but for a while it may got slowly because my family and I are moving. It really depends on whether I can use a computer or not.

* * *

Kilika Docks:

The party reached the Docks again without much incident, except of course for that mob that attacked Tidus for what he did during Chapter 9 but they evaded that one easily enough. The party then went onboard the next ship, headed for Luca, and Spira's mainland.

* * *

SS. Sssssssssssssssssssss:

Wakka and Lulu were at the highest point of the ship, chatting.

Wakka: I though we were supposed to ride the SS. Winno?

Lulu: The Captain had an unfortunate Shmelting acshident.

Wakka: Ooh. Sounds painful.

Below Deck:

Tidus was sitting around surrounded by Aurochs and Goers, but eventually the constant fighting got on his nerves and he decided to go above ship. Before he made it however, he ran once more into O'aka.

O'aka: Hey kid, I need more money. Product in Besaid and Kilika sucked and the nice contribution you gave me before didn't last.

Tidus: Here's four gil.

O'aka: I guess it pays to ask, thank ye kindly lad! Fine seed money for the O'aka merchant empire!

Tidus: Who'd want a merchant empire?

Labot (Or was it Rabat... or Something... correct me if I'm wrong, though chances are nobody who reads this stroy will have ever seen Vandread)from Vandread however walks in.

Labot: A merchant Empire sounds like a good idea to me!

Oaka: Great! Let's join forces man!

Tidus however had enough of them,ignored Luzzer and Gatta-die as well as the evil bitch Dona and went to the Deck.

* * *

Deck:

There Tidus encountered the LucaPimp Goers and Yuna.

Bickson: LOL, hey! It's that fool who said the Aurochs is gonna win OMG…

Grav: LOLROFTMPO.

Yuna: Shut up! They ARE gonna win this time!

Abus: OMGLOLWTF!

Bickson: Whatever you ladyship say!

Yuna: He's the star of the Zanarkand Apes, so they've already won by default!

Tidus: Yeah this time were gonna win!

Bickson, Abus and Grav: LOLWTFFDKSFJDGFHWREkgfhkwdJGFDJFDQFEWNFQW!

Yuna: Errr….. HOLY!

Yuna blasts them all into submission, sadly not killing them.

Tidus: What's wrong?

Yuna: They were being Twelve year old AOL newbs! If it weren't me, it'd be somebody else no doubt. Besides, I do believe in your Zanarkand!

Tidus: Thanks.

So Tidus moves on, and overhears a conversation between Lulu and Wakka.

Lulu: So what do you plan to do?

Wakka: We're gonna leave him in Luca right? Better than Besaid.

Lulu: It's your fault Wakka. Yuna wants him as a Guardian now.

Wakka: What? Was I supposed to let him drown at sea?

Lulu: No.

Wakka: Why does Yuna want him as a Guardian anyway?

Lulu: It's 'cause Jecht's his daddy.

Wakka: You sure?

Lulu: Yuna thinks so, but then again she isn't always the most valid of people when it comes to words sometimes… In any case, you tell him to join.

Wakka: Why me?

Lulu: Wakka, don't be such an insensitive jerk. He hates his father, how can Yuna tell him: "Can yoube my Guardian like your daddy was to mine?"

Wakka: Alright 'Lu. After the Tourny I'll talk to him. So he hated his dad? I wish I remember mine... Hey are you're parents still alive?

Lulu: No.

Wakka: That's too bad… is there some Organization I can send flowers to or something?

Lulu: No Marluxia would steal them all for himself, and besides I was only five when they died.

Wakka: Stupid Whale! It takes everything away from us!

Lulu: Wakka don't go psycho here.

Tidus however has had enough and decides to move to the front of the deck. There he finds a lone Blitzball and has a flashback.

* * *

Flashback-Zanarkand:

Young Tidus attempts to perform a mighty Jecht shot… but falls flat on his ass after the first section of the move. Jecht walks up, hangs his head making him look depressed, but quickly gets over it.

Jecht: Ha ha ha, you suck kid! You know I usually charge Gil for lessons, but I'll make an exception.

Jecht then performs the Jecht shot expertly.

Jecht: You can't do it kid, but don't worry nobody can! I'm the best!

* * *

Regular Time:

Tidus then attempts the Jecht Shot, which he succeeds by attacking all the little thought bubbles that contain memories of Jecht insulting him, even the "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha h aha!" one that sounds too evil for Jecht to use, not to mention he never actually did it. But oh well, Tidus perform the move perfect. Wakka runs up, quite shocked.

Wakka: Awesome dude! What's that called?

Tidus: The Tidus Shot!

Wakka: Great! Just use that during the game and we'll win!

Tidus notices Yuna watching him, so he walks over to her.

Yuna: That was a Jecht shot right?

Tidus: How do you know?

Yuna: Your dad told me. He called it the "Bad-ass freakin' awesome Jecht Shot Mk VI"

Tidus: -sigh- stupid huh? There was no MK I through VI. He just did that because crowds would come in, and he'd make even more money. Everything he did just pissed me off. You think he might still be alive?

Yuna: He's famous here, 'cause he guarded my daddy. Don't worry about it though, 'cause after I become the greatest summoner of all time, I'm sure you'll be widely known as the greatest Guardian of all time.

Tidus says nothing in response to this, eventually provoking Yuna to start the conversation again.

Yuna: So, provided you see the drunkard again, what would you do?

Tidus: I dunno. I thought he was dead for ten years, otherwise I'd have prepeard something dramatic. I just hated him for everything he put my mother and I through, and since he was famous I was in his shadow. You know what that's like, right Yuna?

Yuna: Yeah, but I plan to break from that and become the greatest summoner ever.

Tidus: Oh well.

Suddenly Wakka hits Tidus with a Blitzball.

Wakka: Pull that move again!

So Tidus performed the Jecht shot again, this time making sure to hit Wakka while he was doing it.

* * *

Sorry for the Short chapter everyone! I just felt it was appropriate to cut here. 

BTW I'm gonna start looking at Game Scripts so my parodied dialogues are more accurate, 'cause I noticed they were kinda off. Review, and look forward to the next chapter!


	11. Enter Seymour

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 11: Enter Seymour: the Most Badass freakin' Measter in Spira.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall.

* * *

Luca Docks:

As the boat carrying Tidus and crew comes closer to Luca, so do other boats with other teams (Unimportant as they are, I still gotta mention them) while a popular news crew commentates on it.

Boba: And here comes the boat with the Kilika Beasts!

Jima: After getting Yevon-smacked by Sin just yesterday, they've gotta win the cup or Kilika's going to lose massive face!

Boba: But by all odds, they'll lose. Up next we have the Besaid Aurochs!

Jima: Ha ha ha ha! Worst team in Spira, ever since the creation of the team!

Boba: But most importantly we have the Luca goers next! Best team EVER!

Jima: And no act of Yevon is gonna see them lose today.

Boba: you got that right Jima, look at the crowds everybody!

Tidus wasn't very impressed by the Luca Pimp Goers biased and overly large fan base however, so he stole a microphone.

Tidus: Stop right there Goers! Were gonna kick your asses today! You won't be laughing for long, but I'll be laughing all day! Here's a sample of the laughing to come: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! And here's a sample of your stunned silence after we womp you: …………………………………………….. Here the silence? That's what your gonna be doing.

After that, Wakka was displeased.

Wakka: What in Yevon was that?

Letty: We got noticed though! First time we got noticed and not for sucking!

Jassu: Yeah!

Some Yevon guys suddenly run by.

Yevon guy: Measter Mika is here!

Yuna: Oh that old fart Mika. I suppose we should turn up. Otherwise I think people will look down on us.

Tidus: Who's Mika?

Lulu: Spira's ruler. He has been for 50 years.

Tidus: shouldn't he quit?

Wakka: Hey, shut-up ya! Don't bad-mouth Mika!

So the team heads over to Dock number 3.

* * *

Dock 3:

After an over-dramatic intro a man with hair that must cost millions daily in hair gel steps out onto the Dock.

Tidus: _THAT_ is Measter Mika?

Lulu: No, that's Measter Seymour Guado, of the Guado tribe.

Seymour meanwhile turns around and bows to a much older man, who gets considerable applause as he steps out. He had to be Mika, or it just wouldn't make much sense now would it?

Mika: Rise Measter Seymour, and everyone else. This is Measter Seymour Guado, who replaced his sadly deceased daddy Jyscal.

Seymour: I am Seymour Guado, The Most Badass Freakin' Measter in Spira. Disperse underlings! Do my bidding and bust a cap!

Everyone but Wakka was a little surprised about this, Wakka meanwhile was gushing over Seymour.

Wakka: OOoooooohhh he's sooo cool! Oh well then, let's go get ready for the game!

* * *

Luca Stadium:

Three of the five people from Kilika Woods that ignored Yuna in chapter... Oh I'd sugess chapter 8maybeare sitting among the crowd.

Paladin: Hey Kain, what's bugging you?

Kain (Dragoon): this Blitzball thing is boring. What's taking them so long to finish the game?

White Mage: Game hasn't even started yet Kain. Try to be patient.

Kain: -sigh- Fine Rosa. Cecil, where did Rydia and Edge go anyway?

Cecil (Paladin): They went to the concession stands for foodabout a half hour ago.

Rosa: I don't remember seeing any on the way in…

Kain: I'm gonna go find Rydia. There's no telling what a perv like Edge might do to her.

Rosa: She's not stupid Kain. It's not like he can trick her into thinking it's a good thing when he fondles her.

But Rosa's words didn't help at all.

Kain: Damnit, I may be too late to save her!

Kain jumps from his chair, reaching orbit. About ten minutes he eventually drifted out of orbit,landed and started looking for Rydia, but that's not important right now.

Cecil: Just you and me now Rosa.

Rosa: Yeah Cecil?

Cecil: How about we just shag right here?

Most of the nearby random people however started complaining about that, although the random perv tried to egg them on.

Cecil: Oops I thought we were alone. Well in that case, I'm off to the bathroom Rosa!

Rosa: Okay.

Rosa ended up sitting there alone for a few minutes until she eventually caught the hint and followed the Paladin.

* * *

Auroch's Locker Room:

Tidus walks in, to find all the Aurochs suddenly excited as he entered, and then became depressed after they recognized him.

Tidus: Where's Wakka?

Datto: Match up draws.

Jassu: We had to play the Goers last year in the first round.

Letty: And every other year as well pretty much!

Tidus: Ever consider you were being cheated?

Judging from their reactions, they hadn't. Wakka also walked in soon after. He seemed pleased.

Wakka: Were playing the Al Bhed psyches! We beat them and we play in the finals! Now let's go over… "The Basics"!

About twenty minutes later after "The Basics" were finished Yuna charged in, Lulu and Khimari with her.

Yuna: Hey! I was looking for you! Someone said Sir Auron is in a Café! Let's go see him!

Tidus: Auron?

Yuna: He also guarded my Father during his pilgrimage!

Tidus: Alright then!

Tidus and Yuna head outside where a couple of Al Bhed were sulking.

Tidus: Hey Al Bhed Psyches right? I was saved by some Al Bhed a while ago and a girl named Rikku gave me food! Tell her thanks for me okay?

Al Bhed 1: Fru dra ramm ec drec vnied?

Al Bhed 2: E tihhu. Ekhuna res yht ra sekrd ku yfyo.

Al Bhed 1: Ra sahdeuhat Rikku druikr. Syopa ra ghufc ran?

Al Bhed 2: Ekhuna ed! Ra'c dnoehk du dnelg ic. Dryd'c fryd druca Yevon baubma tu, drao dnelg oui!

Tidus: Thanks for that guys! As for the game, may the better team win!

* * *

Luca Square:

_Plasma Knight was always against the Locke/Celes pairing. That why what is about to come to pass, will come to pass._

Meanwhile Locke and Celes from FF6 are sitting in one of the benches.

Locke: Where's everyone else?

Celes: Watching the game.

Locke: Why are we here?

Celes: I found Blitzball boring.

Locke: Oh.

Some uncomfortable space of time spent in silence later…

Locke: Uhm Celes I was having second thoughts…

Celes: About what?

Locke: Us. Sorry, but there's times you can be really cold. All the times I wanted to help you, you al0ways just asked me why I did, and never really bothered to thank me. Then you were all moody when anybody would distrust you, and other things… I'm gonna go to the game now. Sorry Celes!

Locke takes off.

Celes: Oh… Whatever. I'll go find something else to do…

Celes, obviously upset over the shocking turn of events, walks out while Yuna and Tidus appear.

Tidus: Luca is pretty big!

Yuna: Second largest city in Spira!

Tidus: Why are all the others so shrimpy?

Yuna: When lots of people gather, Sin appears.

Tidus: But Sin attacked Kilika, not Luca! I think your strategy is a tad off…

Yuna: What's Zanarkand like?

Tidus: Tall buildings all cramped together.

Yuna: I hope we don't get seperated...

Tidus whistled.

Yuna: What the hell was that?

Tidus: We do that to cheer on players. You try it!

So Yuna tries it, but it doesn't work.

Yuna: It didn't work... can I kill it?

Tidus: Just work on it okay? Until then let's not get seperated.

Yuna: Oh well, let's go to the Café now.

* * *

Café:

Yuna and Tidus look around, sadly Auron isn't around. Instead a man dressed all in black with a similarly black lab catches their attention.

Tidus: Who's that?

Yuna: _He owes allegiance to no one, and will do anything for money. He comes and goes like the wind… _That's Shadow, he's a Ninja, whoosh!

Tidus: Why the whoosh?

Yuna: It's a Ninja prerogative.

Meanwhile Khimari was finding trouble in the form of a couple Ronso.

Yenke: Why not talk Khimari? Haven't seen Ronso friends in years?

Biran: Leave Khimari, Yenke, Khimari is too small to see Biran and Yenke's faces!

Yenke: And too hornless to see Biran and Yenke's faces! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Tidus: What the hell sense does that make? If anything the Horn might get in his way of sight!

Regardless, Ronso fists were flying. Just then a live coverage of the game starts.

* * *

Luca Stadium:

Mika: I'm so excited, I always loved Blitzball! Alright teams, do your thing!

Then the Sphere pool began to fill, doubtlessly costing quite a deal on Luca's water bill.

* * *

Café:

Tidus suddenly notices something sad.

Tidus: Khimari, Yuna's gone!

Both guys immediately run out, when Lulu appears.

Lulu: What on Spira were you DOING! The Al Bhed Psyches snatched Yuna! They demand the Aurochs lose the game for her return.

Tidus: Oh well, we can just snatch her right back!

So the three of them set out.

* * *

Now the all readers: Do my bidding and bust a cap! And when your done with that review! 


	12. Tidus, Lulu and Khimari against the

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 12: Tidus, Lulu and Khimari against the WORLD! Or maybe just the Al Bhed...

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall.

* * *

Luca Docks:

Tidus, Lulu and Khimari rush out, when they some Machina.

Tidus: The heck are those?

Lulu: Machina. The Al Bhed dug 'em up from the desert. Lightning discombobulates them well enough. Thunder!

Agreen 210 rose above the Machina's head.

Tidus: I think in some Final Fantasy games machine absorb lightning.

Lulu: Then were doomed.

Lit-3!

A massive bolt of thunder then crashed down, destroying all the Machina.

Tidus: Lulu, why can't you strike all the enemies at once?

Lulu: I have no idea. For some reason I can only fry one enemy at a time.

Kain and Rydia then walked on screen, although to Yuna's guardians they only saw awoman in a green leotard and a man in dragon armor.

_And on that day, the mythical fourth wall was crushed, but nobody really cares about that right? There's still the first, second and third wall after all..._

Tidus: Hey, who're you?

Kain: Kain the Dragoon.

Tidus: A Dragoon? What's that?

Kain: It means I can jump... _really _well.

Rydia: I'm Summoner Rydia.

Lulu: Then Kain is your Guardian?

Kain: If Guardian means boyfriend, then yes. I am Rydia's Guardian.

Rydia: Ugh! Kain, what's up with you?

Kain: Cecil got Rosa, Edge got you. Why must Kain get no love?

Tidus, Rydia and Lulu: ...

Tidus: What Aeons do you have Rydia?

Rydia: If you mean summon monsters I have Chocobo, Mist Dragon, Titan, Indra, Jinn, Shiva, Bahamut, Asura, Laviathan and Odin.

Tidus: Wow. Lulu, this chick is better than Yuna!

Ahologram of Yuna appears at Tidus' wrist.

Hologram: To whichever of my guardians said another summoner was better than me: You are fired. Please find the nearest blunt object in reach and continuallystrike yourself in the head with it, until you croak. This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

-1 second later-

Hologram self-destructs.

Tidus: Yuna has superiority complex I fear.

Lulu: No kidding. Oh shoot! We have to save Yuna!

Tidus: Oh yeah!

Kain: Well I'm bored, so I'll go with you.

Rydia: I'd like too also!

Tidus: But what can you do Kain?

Kain: I can jump...

Rydia: _Really _well.

Tidus: Let's go then.

So the group began to fight off the Machina. The biggest problem arose when the fighting began.

Kain: Ha! You call that jumping you tiger? I'll show you a jump!

Kain then jumped, breaking the roof and reaching orbit.

Rydia: Oh damnit, not again!

But meanwhile...

Lulu: Thunder!

Rydia: Thunder? What the hell spell is that? Lit!

Lulu: What's Lit then!

But Tidus ended up scoring the best kills, since he had no competition. If only Cecil were here. Annnnnnyyyyyyway, they eventually find a sphere screen thingy something showing the currant game.

Bobba: The aurochs are keeping the score tied, 2 to 2.

Jimma: Normally quite impossible, since almost always one team is going to score vastly more times than the other, but oh well.

Bobba: And Wakka's getting his ass beat by the Psyches!

Jimma: He's gonna feel those tomorrow, and maybe the next day too!

And Wakka was indeed getting his ass beat by the Psyches.

Tidus: So we're still in!

Lulu: He won't last. Let's hurry!

So they make a normally physically impossible jump (Even for Kain, because he'd likely overshoot it. But since he hasn't yet returned that's all a moot point anyway) onto the boat, which happened to contain a very large and mean Machina.

Tidus: Alrighty, let's go team! Let's save Yuna!

Lulu: Thundara!

Rydia: Lit-3!

Two bolts of lightning crashed into the Oblitzerator, damaging it, but it sadly just retaliated and silenced the both of them.

Tidus: Oh noes!

Khimari meanwhile went ape-shit and attacked the Oblitzerator directly, only causing it to go ape-shit in turn and blast the whole party with Blitzballs.

Tidus: I'll never insult Wakka's choice in weapons again!

Lulu: What do we do now? We're screwd.

Rydia: Yeah.

Tidus: I agree.

Then Kain suddenly returned, falling directly into the Oblitzerator with all the force one obtains from falling all the way from Orbit, basically splitting the Oblitzerator in half.

Kain: Toldja I'm a good jumper.

Rydia: Kain saved us!

Kain: Indeed, and now Rydia owes me a date!

Rydia: What?

Tidus: Just do it. He saved us anyway.

Kain: Ha ha! Finally Kain wins! Now let us return to Cecil!

Kain then grabs Rydia and jumps off in the direction of the arena.

Yuna then steps out from inside the ship, letting out a flow of blood with her.

Yuna: I got a little violent.

Tidus & Lulu: Oo...

Tidus: Some Al Bhed saved me when I first came to Spira, I thought this might be their ship, but it wasn't. What a shame.

Yuna: Was there a man named Cid on board?

Tidus: Couldn't tell. They were speaking some odd language.

Yuna: Too bad. Cid's my uncle, daddy told me to go to him If I needed help.

Tidus: YOU need help?

Yuna: No. I wanted to see him 'cause he owes me seventeen years worth of birthday presents, which places him in deep debt.

Lulu: BTW don't tell Wakka that Yuna's half Al Bhed, or his brain will fail to process it and asplode. He hates the Al Bhed.

Tidus: Hey, shouldn't we tell him we got Yuna back?

Lulu: Oops!

Lulu then sends up a flare, which Wakka notices from the Sphere pool.

Jimma: And the Auroch's are calling an all-out offencive! A long pass from Letty... Wakka missed it! Oh what the... the ball somehow hit the edge of the pool and ricoched right into the Psyche's goal post! The Auroch's won? Is that even possible! NOOO!

* * *

Plasma Knight... LIVES! Now then, read and review! 


	13. Blittzball slaughter!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 13: Blitzball Slaughter!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall.

Sorry that it was so long a wait for chapter 12! I hope not to do that anymore! I didn't have access to the internet for a looooong time!

Disclaimer: NOTHING! that's what belongs to me.

* * *

**Luca: Docks:**

Tidus, Lulu, Khimari and Yuna reflect on the outcome of the last game.

Yuna: Oh whoo. We're in the Finals.

Lulu: That sucked. Chappu would have so kicked ass.

Tidus: Hey that's harsh. I know Wakka wouldn't try (or hope to succeed) to take Chappu's place, and neither would I but...

Lulu: One more word and you're looking at an Ultima aimed straight at you.

Tidus decided to remain silent... good idea.

* * *

**Luca: Locker Rooms:**

Tidus walks into the Auroch's locker room to find Wakka quite beat up.

Tidus: Glad to see me?

Aurochs: Not really.

Tidus: Fine.

Wakka: Finals are coming up, and were playing the Goers!

Botta: Am I on the bench?

Tidus: Oh yeah, what a strategy. I'm extra, an offencive player. Let's get rid of the defencive player and have an offencive one take his place. Yeah good plan.

Wakka: I'm on the bench. The kid's taking my place!

So Tidus and the Aurochs go outside the locker room.

Tidus: So what are we gonna do?

Aurochs: Nuke the Goers!

Jassu: For Cap'n Crunch!

Tidus: Wait a minute, I thoughtwe were playing for Wakka?

Aurochs: Oops!

-meanwhile-

Lulu and Wakka were left quite alone in the Auroch's locker room.

Lulu:I saw you floating there, like a weakling, on the sphere.

Wakka: Aww shoot. So much for my attempts to seem powerfull...

Wakka then fakes slumping over weakly, so as to be hugged by Lulu.

Lulu: You really gave it your all huh? Lucky it was enough...

* * *

**Luca: Stadium:**

Bobba: And now in a few moments, the championship game! But who could have imagined, a championship game between these two teams? The Legendary Luca Pimp Goers going against the chanceless Besaid Aurochs!

Jimma: They're bound to lose.

Meanwhile Auron appears on the scene, seemingly drunk again. The scene now shifts over to a group of five from FF6, but for ease of things it's Terra, Edgar, Locke, Sabin and Celes.

Terra: This Blitzball thing is interesting.

Sabin: I concure!

Edgar: Wow. Big vocabulary huh Sabin?

Sabin: What? I'm not a savage...

Meanwhile Plasma Knight appears shuffling in to a lower bench, with a certain lady with him.

Terra: Who are you?

Plasma: The author of the story. I decided to take an active stance.

Edgar: And who is she?

Plasma: My girlfriend: The Dark Magician Girl.

DMG then made various happy moans at various pitches, since although humanoid at least she can't seem to speak real words.

Edgar: Good! If you're not married, then I shall attempt to steal her from you!

Plasma: NEVER!

And then the fists flew. Regardless though, the Aurochs and Goers arrived at the Sphere pool and began swimming up to meet each other. Bickson attempted to throw a wussy punch at Tidus, just to piss him off but that's rather unimportant right?

_General strategy of the Aurochs is to ignore the ball unless it is within five inches of you. Keepa also tends to fall asleep in the middle of the game and generally misses the ball, even if it is shot from mid-field._

First off in posetion of the ball was Grav, of the Goers. He then barreled down the line, warded off Tidus, Jassu and Datto, shot the ball from quarter-field and made it in, since Keepa was completely ignoring the game.

Jassu then recieved the ball, and attempted to barrel through the Goer's lines, only to lose the ball to Bickson, who shot from Mid-field and scored another goal.

Tidus: What the? How can you guys suck that bad?

Datto: I dunno!

Tidus: Next time give ME the ball okay?

Then Jassu recieved the ball, and passed it to Tidus. Tidus actually succeeded in making it to the goalie, only to be faced with the two defencive peoples. Tidus however pulled the Jecht shot, beating the two defenders out of the way and making the goal.

Raudy: Hey, shouldn't a move like that be illegal? He just bopped Balgerda and the other chick with the ball!

But Grav just made the point up again, after succeeding in once more barelling down the Auroch's lines and making a quarter-field goal, since Keepa, Botta and Letty were ignorant of the game.

Next, halftime occured.

The team met back in the locker rooms then.

Wakka: Defence! Stop them!

Aurochs: Cap'n crunch!

Tidus: And me?

Wakka: Shoot like a madman!

Tidus: Shoot like a madman!

Then the teams re-entered the sphere pool, where Jassu somehow recieved the ball first. he then passed to Tidus who barreled like a madman down the line, then he sliced Raudy in the side with his sword and planted a goal.

Aurochs & Goers: OO...

Tidus: He SAID go like a madman! Maybe he should have been more specific.

But the authorities were specific: Tidus was removed and replaced with Wakka. Meanwhile the Goers scored again, putting the Aurochs in posetion. Wakka (somehow) managed to make it to Raudy (who was healed with MAGIC) then he kicked the ball, where it ricoched off the side of the pool, and somehow drifted all the way into the Auroch's goal post.

Bobba: What the?

Jimma: I believe that was an own goal Bobba! One of the worst plays in blitzball!

For the sake of the Aurochs I can't bare to type the rest of the game, but just picture that it didn't go very well at all. However afterward bigger problems erupted, since Fiends appeard from nowhere!

* * *

**Luca: After the Finals:**

Lulu: What's going on?

Yuna: Fiends! Oh noes!

Meanwhile

Kain: Yes! Finally some action! Let's kill guys, KILL! BWA HA HA HA!

Cecil: Cool! Time to put the Crystal Sword to use!

Meanwhile Rosa, Edge and Rydia managed to engage battle without any dialogue.

Meanwhile again.

Terra: Enemies! Ultima!

Plasma Knight: Time for some 2000 ATK Points of Dark-Magic-Goodness, that I won't be using mysef since I am too lazy. Dark Magician Girl, get the fiends!

DMG then moaned happily again (maybe giggling here and there)and started firing pink bolt of fire at them.

Meanwhile, Edgar, Sabin, Celes and Locke managed also to quietly start fighting without words.

Meanwhile Tidus and Wakka were quite overwhelmed inside the Sphere Pool.

Tidus: We're quite overwhelmed! Weak creatures all around!

Wakka: Let's get out!

So they did, but not before Auron managed to obtain an overly-dramatic intro involving him slicing a naaasty dragon-fiend in half.

Tidus and Wakka then entered the scene.

Tidus: OH NO! Not Auron!

Wakka: Sir Auron!

Auron: Hey guys! What's shaking?

"What's shaking" turned out to be a fairly large birdy fiend that the three guys decided killing would be fun.

Auron: Hey, let's kill that thing!

So they did, after a semi-long battle. Then saddly the three of them were surounded...

Tidus: Oh no! Security!

Wakka: Hey I just noticed you haven't done that in a long time, ya?

Auron: He used to say it all the time...

Meanwhile a lone calm figure made his way to the highest point in the stadium, and began a summmoning.

Seymour: Come Anima, do my bidding and bust a cap!

Then a maassssiiiive fish-hook dropped into a blackhole right in front of Seymour and pulled Anima out from it. Anime proceeded to discombobulate the entirety of the attacking fiends...

* * *

Plasma:And Seymour saved the day! Or did he! I'm certain me and Dark Magician Girl could have handled that easily, but that stupid Seymour decided to get in the way... 

DMG: -happy moans and giggles-

Plasma: Oh, you heard her, review now, my fans!


	14. The Aged SemiGuardian, Auron

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 14: The aged semi-Guardian Auron.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: NOTHING! that's what belongs to me.

* * *

**Luca Stadium:**

_Plasma Knight decided to change the chapter, as he decided he made many mistakes on it._

The FF6 group and Plasma Knight and Dark Magician Girl regoup after the Fiend strike.

Terra: That was sure interesting. No problem for me though. Where are you guys going?

Plasma: My girlfriend and I are planning to look around, keep up with the pace of the story, or else I fear I'd get left behind.

Locke: Same as us. Convenient!

Plasma: Always...

Meanwhile the FF4 group was also... regrouping.

Cecil: So Golbez is supposed to be somewhere in this world. Shall we search for him?

Kain: Yes. I did not kill nearly enough creatures... must... kill... more... and while I'm at it I'll find a girlfriend.

Kain grabs a pair of binoculars and starts looking through the crowds.

Rydia: So you're done with me?

Kain: Yeah, I found some cute chick right now. She has a really strange sort ofhat on though. Looks like one of those fruit things but turned up-side down.

Cecil: Oh good luck old friend

Kain: Thank you old bean.

Edge: Okay this is getting weird.

Rosa: I concure.

* * *

**Luca Square:**

Wakka meanwhile is bidding the Aurochs farewell.

Wakka: Alrighty guys, it's time to say farewell.

Aurochs: Cap'n Crunch...

Wakka: Hey look sharp! Blitz season just started! I want you boys to win some while I'm gone!

Datto: But we're short a player.

Wakka: Oops... Well, I'm out!

Wakka then walked over to where Yuna and her other two guardians were waiting.

Yuna: Finished?

Wakka: Never liked long goodbyes. Now, I'm your guardian full time Yuna.

Yuna: Actually I'm thinking it would be convenient to ditch you here...

Wakka: So, found out anything?

Lulu: Measter Seymour got all the fiends. We have no idea where they came from, but no VIP's were hurt so Yevon doesn't really care.

Yuna: Seymour's Aeon was alright. I'm sure I'll find tougher ones though.

* * *

**Luca Docks:**

Tidus meanwhile was confronting Auron about his cruel exploitation as live bait.

Tidus: Hey you punk, don't just stand there, everything that's happened is YOUR fault! Me ending up in this cesspit, being cut off from Zanarkand, EVERYTHING EVERYTHING!

Auron: Yeah, sorry kid.

Tidus: Grrrr... Who are you anyway? You guarded Yuna's dad, and knew mine!

Auron: Yup.

Tidus: That's IMPOSSIBLE!

Auron: Nope.

Tidus: Please speak full sentences!

Auron: -sigh- fine. Here's how it is, kid: Jecht, Braska and I defeated Sin ten years ago.

Tidus: You knew Jecht? Is he alive?

Auron: Depends on what you mean by "alive"

Tidus: Please stop being cryptic damnit!

Auron: He is no longer human... but you must have felt him there, inside that shell...

Tidus: I said stop being cryptic!

Auron: You must have felt him when you came in contact with Sin.

Tidus: I said... wait... that can't be!

Auron: It is: Sin is Jecht.

Tidus: Oh damnit! Why couldn't you have just said that to begin with instead of speaking in loops!

Auron: Believe what you want. Regardless, you must come, to finish your story.

Tidus: I don't care about your stories!

Auron: Fine, brat. Stay here and die, see what I care. Your decision.

Tidus: MY DECISION! I have none! I HAVE to go with you!

Auron: Correct. I have you in a cruel loop. You're fault for following me to Sin. I'm going to offer my services to Yuna, and you're coming with me!

Tidus: Fine, jerk. But Auron, will I ever be able to go home, to Zanarkand?

Auron: Depends on Jecht.

* * *

**Luca Square:**

Meanwhile...

Wakka: So we're ditching the new kid? I'll miss him.

Yuna: I'm going to go see him...

Auron however negates the point by showing up with Tidus in tow.

Auron: Yuna, I'm gonna take control here. I'm a forced Guardian now.

Yuna: Ooooooh cool! No problem sir!

Auron: And he's coming too.

Auron grabs Tidus and pushes him out into the crowd.

Tidus: Err hi guys!

Auron: I promised both your dads this.

Yuna: -gasp- is Sir Jecht alive?

Auron: Hmm... technically I suppose so. Yes, we'll go with that.

Yuna: Will I ever meet him?

Auron: -thinks for a moment- ... yes. I should think so.

Auron then goes over to Lulu, thinking for some reason that she was formerly in command.

Auron: So where are we headed from here?

Lulu: What I thought you knew how to find the closest Temple?

Meanwhile

Yuna: Hey look!

Yuna then whistles.

Yuna: It works now! I didn't have to smash it!

Tidus: err cool!

Yuna: Somethin' bugging you? You wanna scream?

Tidus: -sigh- not this time.

Yuna: You know, Summoners and their guardians bring hope to Spira, so if I'm down everyone else gets down too. So when I'm down I smile fakely so nobody finds out.

Tidus: Okay.

Yuna: Now you try. Smile!

So Tidus puts on a baddly faked smile, but ends up laughing for some odd reason.

Tidus: This is weird...

Yuna: Now laugh out loud!

Then Tidus and Yuna start luaghing fakely, eventually causing the rest of the group to believe the two are quite insane. After the scary scene is over, the group then moves on.

* * *

**Mi'hen Highroad:**

The group now arrives at the highroad.

Tidus: So where next?

Yuna: We head allllllll the way to Djose Temple.

Tidus: Okey-dokey then!

So the party moves on for a while, until eventually a big bad fiend attacks. It'sa mole or something.

Auron: Leave this to me.

Tidus: No problem! I'll do it!

Tidus bangs his sword upon the fiend, causing no visible damage.

Auron: Damn kid...

Auron then slices the fiend in half quite easily.

Wakka: Wait, why didn't Yuna deal with it, Ya?

Yuna: Because I couldn't steal kills from Sir Auron!

Tidus: But from us it's fair game huh?

Yuna: All's fair in love and war.

Tidus: Oh very well.

After moving on the group ecounter some old dude in a pope-hat.

Pope-hat man: Look. Ruins. They make me frightened. Oh who are you guys?

Yuna: Yuna. I'm a bad-ass freaking summoner, best summoner in all Spira.

Pope-hat man: Oh yeah, I'm Maechan, a scholer. Don't try to pronounce my name correctly, I fear you are doomed to failure there.

Yuna: Fine. Now then, I'm gonna go kill Sin now. Sorry but the bad-ass is kinda busy.

Maechan: I am releaved to hear that! Summoners who believe in themselves make the rest of us feel better.

Tidus: But your dead so who cares?

Everybody looks at Tidus all shifty.

Yuna: You idiot, that wasn't supposed to be revealed until Final Fantasy X-2. Great move.

Auron: Damn kid.

Moving on then, they now encounter some woman.

Woman: A summoner group!

Yuna: names Yuna.

Woman: I am Belgamine. (Plasma: I'm gonna check on the spelling later. Sorry everybody.) but you know what happens when two summoners meet right?

Yuna: We argue?

Belgamine: We duel!

Belgamine then summons Ifrit. Yuna summons Valefor.

Yuna: Attack! Kill! Maim!

Valefor flies in and swipes at Ifrit with it's feet... claw... things... Ifrit meanwhile swipes at Valefor with it massive front claws.

Yuna: Oh noes! Energy Blast!

Valefor then created a massive chaqin of energy blasts that smited Ifrit quite nicely.

Belgamine: Stop, that is enough.

Yuna: Yay I win!

Tidus: Wait she didn't actually lose yet.

Belgamine: Fine jerk. We'll meet again!

So Belgamine storms off. Next up the group encounters some lesbos and some unimportant guy on chickens.

Lesbo 1: I am Lucil, captain of the Chocobo knights!

Lesbo 2: I'm Elma.

Tidus: Hey there.

Lucil: Just so you know, there's a big-ass fiend on the loose that likes to eat Chocobos. If you rent one, keep that in mind.

Elma: Our preyers are with you.

So Lucil and the still un-named man ride off in one direction and Elma rides off in the other.

Tidus: A big fiend hmm.

Auron: Were not going after it.

Tidus: But it's the right thing to do!

Auron: What is right isn't always right.

Tidus: That's an oxymoron.

Auron: Jechy always caused Braska and I trouble when he felt he had to do "the right thing". More often then not, that mostly just amounted to us having wild parties, stalking women or going on pan...

Yuna: Err, I think we've heard enough Sir Auron.

Auron: Suit yourself.

The group continues on for a while, fighting fiends. Eventually they encounter a small girl and her mother.

Girl: Are you a summoner?

Yuna: Yeah, sure. Name's Yuna.

Girl: I'm Calli. Are you going to bring us the calm Lady Yuna?

Yuna: I can't say. It goes without saying!

Calli: Yay!

Calli's mom: Were looking forward to it. BTW, would you be interested in some mega-growth supplement? Guaranteed to quadruple the normal growth speed of the average human.

Tidus: Does it work?

Calli's mom: Tried it on Calli. No effect so far, but by my estimation if it did work, she'd be in the vague area of 14-16 in two years when that would normally be quite impossible.

Tidus: No chance of that.

So the two leave.

Tidus: Anyway, what's the calm?

Yuna: It's when Sin's dead. It ends when he comes back.

Tidus: Huh?

Yuna: Sin dies and is reborn.

Tidus: Oh. So that's why it's still around. Hey, wait, if it just comes back?

Yuna: Seems worthless huh?

Tidus: Pretty much.

Yuna: The bug thing we worship tells us to do it, so we do it.

So the group continues on, and eventually reaches Luzzer and Gatta-die. They traded pointless conversation. I'm not gonna bother typing it. Then, continuing on further, the group encounters a priestly looking girl and a crusader.

Crusader: Back off! Were gonna kill Sin whether or not the bug-thing likes it!

Priest girl: But the teachings must be upheld!

But the Crusader ignores her and walks off.

Tidus: What was all that about?

Priest girl: Oh, a summoner! My name's Shelinda. I've been trying to get the Crusaders to stop their operation, but no luck.

Tidus: What's so bad about fighting Sin?

Shelinda: They're going to use the forbidden machina!

Auron: Let them. They'll get their asses beat anyway.

Shelinda: That doesn't matter! It's about the teachings! But they won't even listen to me because I'm a lowly acolyte.

Yuna: Yeah, too bad your not a bad-ass summoner like me huh?

Shelinda then moaps off.

Tidus: Why's machina forbidden?

Lulu: Use of Machina is restricted by the bug-thing we worship.

Wakka: That's bad ya?

Tidus: I don't get it.

So they continue on. Then, they encounter an Inn.

Auron: Oh good. An Inn, let's stop here.

Wakka: But this is an Al Bhed shop!

Auron: Problem with them?

Wakka: For one...

Tidus: Uh are you so sure it's smart to be bad-mouthing the Al Bhed when a shop-full of them is about 10 feet away?

Lulu: He has a point.

Wakka: Anyway, in Luca they kidnapped Yuna!

Auron: And what were you clowns doing then eh?

Wakka&Tidus&Lulu: -nervous mumbling and gaze shiftings- (Khimari's being his usual silent self)

Auron: Owned.

Yuna: Not just owned, Kurriboh'ed.

Tidus: Huh?

_Plasma Knight likes to use that in place of Owned. This is because, after all, Kurriboh is one of THE worst monsters in Yu-Gi-Oh while still being occasionally somewhat usefull if played right._

Auron: So we rest here.

So they rested there.

* * *

I decided to change the chapter. The next one will be done soon too. Promise!

Read and Review!


	15. One hell of a long road

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 15: One hell of a long road.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: NOTHING! that's what belongs to me.

* * *

Rin's Travel Agency:

Tidus walks out and notices Yuna, very suspiciously speaking into something.

Tidus: Hey, what are you doing?

Yuna: NOTHING! I'm not recording my will or anything, and no, I'm taking everything with me!

Tidus: Huh?

Yuna: Err, never mind. Look, it's so peaceful.

Tidus: (Yuna's looking at nature? I think she must be ill.) Sure.

Yuna: I wish I could... live here. Hollow Bastion sucked anyway.

Tidus: Huh?

Yuna: Don't worry about it.

Tidus: Anyway Yuna, once you've kicked Sin back to the stone age, you could live here!

Yuna: Sadly, not even the great Yuna could pull that one off.

Tidus: Sure you could! No one's better than you! But you know, you really gotta focus on the present! Don't worry about the future until you defeat Sin. Then worry about it.

Yuna: Wow. Focus on my future after I kill Sin. That phrase can't be said in a sentance and be accurate.

_It took Tidus much longer than it should have to learn the Final Summoning would take Yuna's life. Everyone around him just danced over the sad truth 'till they couldn't dance anymore._

Tidus: Hey Yuna? Why doesn't Sin stay dead?

Yuna: Sin is supposed to be some punishment or somesuch for our vanity. It won't go away 'till Yevon says we've made up for some mistake we've made a thousand years ago.

Tidus: Was it using Machina? Was that so bad?

Yuna: Probably not, but Yevon seems to like using Machina as a scapegoat.

_Indeed they did. That's simply because there's one machina out there that could actually defeat their precious over-sized Aeon. Yevon just can't accept that the future always beats the past._

Tidus: So how do you kill Sin anyway?

Yuna: We have to travel allllllll the way north to Zanarkand and obtain the final summoning.

Tidus: Zanarkand?

Auron shows up.

Auron: She means a bunch of dirty ruins. Yuna, get inside you silly girl before you catch a cold.

Yuna: Yes sir.

So Yuna goes inside, and Tidus does shortly after.

* * *

The Next Day: Rin's Travel Agency.

Tidus wakes up after a fairly nice night of sleep and runs into an Al-bhed man on his way out.

Man: Ah, Byntuh sa.

Tidus: Huh?

Man: I meant to say "Pardon me" but I said it in Al Bhed. I am Rin, owner of this establishment.

Tidus: Oh hi.

Rin: hela du saad oui. It means, "Good to meet you."

Tidus: Well helly do sad wee to you too!

Rin: Wrong. Would you like to learn our language? It might be... fun.

Tidus: Sure.

Rin: Alright then.

Rin hands Tidus a book. It's labeled: Al Bhed for morons.

Tidus: This book has morons on it! It must be good!

Rin: Just be careful where you speak our language.

Tidus: Yeah, nobody seems to like you guys. Oops, sorry.

Rin: Hud vun muhk...

Suddenly from outside a woman screams something about chocobos. Auron walks in.

Auron: Come on kid, it's time to stamp out a fiend.

Tidus: Huh?

Rin: Oh! Thanks for the help!

Rin pushes Tidus outside and locks the door behind him.

* * *

Outside:

Tidus encounters Lulu just outside.

Lulu: To the Chocobo corral!

So the group runs in that direction and encounter a large and nasty-looking, big-armed fiend. It attempts to eat a Chocobo, fails and then turns it's attention to the party.

Tidus: No fear, the hero's here!

Wakka: Ya, me too!

Tidus and Wakka try to attack, only to find out their weapons arn't very effective.

Tidus: No! Looks like I'm useless here!

Wakka: Ya, me too!

So the two of them sprint for the sidelines.

Yuna: My turn!

Yuna shoots the fiend, only for that not to work very well either.

Yuna: Oh yeah, there arn't any piercing weapons in X-2. Looks like I'm out too.

So she walks off as well leaving Auron, Khimari and Lulu to fight. After some fighting the fiend pushes them back a ways.

Auron: So, were to be pushed off a cliff? I think not! Dragon fang!

Rayquaza appears again and bites at the Chocobo eater, flipping it on it's back.

Auron: Attack now! Push it back!

But just then, the Chocobo eater got back up and pushed the three off the cliff. Yuna, Tidus and Wakka run up to them.

Tidus: Hey wait for us!

So Tidus pushes the other two off and jumps in himself, landing on Auron.

Auron: Damn kid. I blame you.

Tidus: I blame Rayquaza...

Meanwhile the FF6 (Terra, Edger, Locke, Sabin and Celes. The other character are mostly going to camero here and there. Like how Shadow was) party+Plasma Knight and Dark Magician Girl walk up to Rin's Travel agency and find it under asault from the Chocobo Eater.

Terra: That looks easy! Let's roast it!

Celes: Agreed!

So while the other three rush off to lay waste to the fiend, Terra and Celes both cast Fire 3 on it, killing it quite nicely.

Edgar: Easy.

Rin shows up.

Rin: Good work! At least someone's dependable!

* * *

Oldroad:

The FFX gang, having performed less effectively than the FF6 group, are now trudging down the Oldroad. They kill a few fiends and eventually encounter O'aka.

O'aka: Lad! There you are! I need more money.

Tidus: Again?

O'aka: I'll make it up to ye, I promise.

Tidus: Fine.

Tidus whips out the FFX guide book.

Tidus: Says here my loan total should be... 10,001 gil!

Auron: No way. We are NOT giving him that much, kid!

Tidus: But then we get a discount! His things only cost 70 the normal cost.

So Tidus gives Oaka the remaining Gil they need.

Auron: Good job, kid, were in debt now.

Tidus: Just like old times!

Continuing on, the group encounters Lucil next, training Chocobos.

Lucil: What are you doing down here?

Tidus: We ask ourselves that over and over.

Lucil: Well anyway, continue on till you reach the end of the road.

So they did, and eventually came out on the end of the Mi'hen highroad. There they encounteed Dona, Barthello and a number of crusader. Dona was talking to one of them that seemed to be causing her some degree of frustration.

Dona: Let me through.

Crusader: Sorry Ma'am, No exceptions!

Dona: I'm a summoner you insolent fool! Move!

Crusader: Sorry Ma'am, No exceptions!

Dona: Damnit!

Noticing Yuna's party she turns to talk to them.

Dona: Not even summoners can pass here. Oh well, they'll need me soon enough. Let's go take a "nap" Barthello.

So they ran off. Yuna's group went to the gate to the Mushroom Rock Road, where they encountered Luzzer and Gatta-die, with a cage that seemed to have an overlarge bug in it.

Luzzer: Hey guys! Just wait here, we'll have seen beaten in no time!

So they went on. After some intense negotiations, which got them nowhere, Yuna's group decided to just give up and head back to the Travel Agency, when they encountered Seymour.

Seymour: Hey Yuna. Something bugging you?

Yuna: Those stupid Crusaders won't let us through.

Seymour: We'll see about that.

Seymour and his guards walk up to the captain of the group.

Captain: Maester Seymour! I will show you to the command center.

Seymour: Not so fast. Yuna wants to be let through. Let her through this moment.

Captain: But Maester Seymour... Maester Seymour sir...

Seymour: You deny me! Do you wish to die horribly!

Captain: Uh no sir! They can go through!

Seymour (calling out to Yuna): It's been taken care on.

Yuna: Cool. Thonx Seymour!

Tidus however wasn't impressed.

Tidus: Who does he think he is!

Wakka: Only he could answer that one.

So the group continues on to the Mushroom Rock Road.

* * *

Dark Magician Girl: Ahem. My master doesn't wish to keep his fans waiting, but things come up sometimes, you know how it goes.

He know it's been quite a long time since there was a new chapter, but he didn't have internet access during the summer. He does intend to continue and complete the story, and it helps if you review it. It only takes about a minute and it inspires my master to work harder, so read and review please!


	16. READY!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 16: READY!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: NOTHING! that's what belongs to me.

* * *

**Mushroom Rock Road:**

The group arrives to find some Crusader praising Seymour's arrival in the area.

Crusader: All hail, Maester Seymour!

Seymour: All right you Crusaders. It's time for you to finally do what Lord Mi'hen wanted you to do –snicker- eight hundred years ago (Seymour laughs quite a deal while saying those last four words). Anyways, just know that I'm backing you.

Wakka: What! What the hell! Maester Seymour's backing the Crusaders!

Yuna: I think Seymour sees the use of their plan, even if I don't. They want Sin gone, and so does Seymour, and us.

Auron: Anyway, whine to him yourself.

Seymour was in fact walking up to the party for some time. He notices Auron first.

Seymour: Hey sir Auron. What've you been up to the last decade?

Auron: Screw off freak.

Auron stomps off, putting Seymour off a bit.

Seymour: Right. He must be er. . . _very _useful to you, Lady Yuna.

Yuna: Sure is.

Wakka: Hey uhh, err, lordship.

Seymour's nice attitude drops quite suddenly.

Seymour: What are you bleating on about man!

Wakka: Why is your lordship… presently… present here?

Seymour: Stop this bloody nonsense!

Wakka: Alright, no more nonsense. Anyway sir, why are you backing the Crusaders? They're going against the teachings! Aren't you going to stop them!

Seymour: Do you doubt me you fool?

Wakka: No sir!

Seymour: Now you're calling me a liar.

Wakka: Noo!

Seymour: Now you're calling me stupid. Do I look stupid to you? Guess what: doubting Maesters is against the teachings. That's another hundred years of Sin Spira has to deal with thanks to you.

Wakka: Curses!

Seymour: Cursing! Another hundred!

Wakka: I didn't…

Seymour: Lying! Another hundred!

Wakka: Curses!

Seymour: Cursing again! Another hundred, now I suggest you shut up.

But sadly it took six hundred more years for Wakka to shut up. Later on, the party was going forward again.

Yuna: Good job Wakka, you just got us another millennia of Sin.

Continuing on the group encountered Clasko.

Clasko: Maester Seymour wants you at the Command center! That way!

So the group headed the way Clasko pointed. Ahead they saw a rather long-looking series of twisting paths.

Yuna: Who the hell created the paths in this direction? Can't they just go straight! This'll take hours.

Tidus: And all those pollen-spewing Funguars… let's get this over with.

Meanwhile…

* * *

**Den of Woe:**

Maester Kinoc is addressing a group of Crusaders. They are all facing some entryway into a cave of some sort.

Kinoc: We've got word of a powerful something in there.

Baralai: Shall we slay it!

Kinoc: Nope. Just report back.

Gippal: Wait, you want us to go and find some dangerous unidentified something and report back? And this unknown thing is inside a cave called the "Den of Woe"? Are you not well?

Kinoc: Perhaps. Anyway, we don't have enough weapons for all you, so you gotta jack weapons off the others. Good luck suckers!

Gippal: I'm glad I got my soul-edge sized nameless awesome weapon with a chainsaw and mortar cannon.

Baralai: And. . . I've got a staff.

Nooj: I've got nothin'.

Paine: I have a camera.

Gippal: Were good.

Baralai: Did you guys notice the rest of the candidates already entered?

Gippal and Nooj: Aww shit!

So the four run in.

* * *

**Mushroom Rock Road:**

Yuna suddenly gets one of those feelings.

Yuna: I've got a feeling a major plot device is occurring that won't really matter for another two year.

Tidus: 'kay Yuna. Thanks for sharing.

Continuing on the group eventually reach the lift to the command center, where they see Luzzer and Gatta-die.

Gatta: Why can't I fight! I wanna fight!

Luzzu: Sorry kid, but your paltry rank dictates that you guard the command center.

Gatta: NOOOO!

Gatta runs off.

Tidus: Poor little Gatta. Doesn't get to do any fighting.

Wakka: Yeah, at least he's safe at the command center through.

Luzzu: Hey Wakka, I've got a bombshell to drop you: I got Chappu to join the crusaders.

Wakka then goes apeshit on Luzzu. After Tidus eventually had enough of watching it he decided to hold Wakka back.

Tidus: Alright Wakka, that's enough.

Wakka: You jerk! You got Chappu dead, and it's ALL your fault Lulu's single now. . . oh wait. Never mind. I forgive you.

Lucil then commands all the Crusaders out to the front lines.

Luzzu: Alright, battle time. See ya.

Yuna: Hey Luzzu, you know you don't have to go die out there. . .

Auron: Forget it Yuna. He won't learn. Let him do as he wants. You made the same choice, remember?

So Luzzu leaves. Tidus wonder what Auron was talking about.

* * *

**Den of Woe:**

Things are not going well. After the Crusader entered they went slightly mad and began to kill each other.

Gippal: Damn, they really want to be the only Crimson squad members huh?

Nooj: You dunce, there's gotta be more than that.

Baralai: No kidding.

Then a swarm of pyreflies suddenly shows up and flies into Nooj, after that Nooj goes insane and points his gun at Baralai.

Gippal: Ooh, let me join!

Gippal points his gun at Nooj. Baralai then points his gun at Gippal.

Paine: Oohhh. I wonder who will win? The suspense is terrible! I hope it goes on for a while. .

Director: Hey, make sure that this sort of thing happens at least twice more in FFX-2! I love these scenes where everybody has a weapon to point at each other.

Eventually the three men break down and lower their guns however, ruining the fun.

* * *

**Mushroom Rock Road: Command Center**

The group walks up to find Gatta.

Gatta: The fun is about to start. . . make sure you're ready. . .

Tidus: You okay?

Gatta: NOOO! I came to fight Sin, and get stuck here! Damnit!

Auron: Get over it. If you disobey them you'll never be sent to front line.

Gatta doesn't like that response however and runs away screaming. Later however he returns to Tidus.

Gatta: I wanna go to the front lines. . .

Tidus: just a sec.

Tidus looks in his FFX guide book, and finds the results of Gatta's questions.

Tidus: Okay. You should go out to the front lines.

Gatta: Even if it means breaking the rules?

Tidus: You should go out to the front lines.

Gatta: I'll show Luzzu what I can do!

Tidus: Good luck with that.

Tidus then keeps going forward to find. . . a fat man in yellow.

Kinoc: It's Auron!11! How's it been pal!

Auron: Swingin'.

Kinoc: What have you been up to?

Auron: The usual, riding whales that control gravity to fake cities, guarding angsty teens, falling off buildings, getting drunk.

Kinoc: Awesome.

Auron: Shouldn't you focus on the operation though?

Kinoc: Oh. It won't work, you know that. We'll let them think it can only to be terrrrrribly disappointed.

Auron: Sweet plan. . . wait a sec' that's evil!

Seymour: Hey fatty! Focus!

Kinoc: Yes, Seymour. See ya later Auron.

Yuna: I kinda think we don't belong.

Tidus: Yeah, I know.

A random Crusader turns up.

Crusader: Let's get this party started! Fiends might show up, or more likely the Sinspawns we caged will bust out. This place is not safe.

Tidus: Well what the hell are we doing here then!

Crusader: Tell me when you're ready.

Tidus: I'm ready!

Yuna: The bad ass summoner's ready.

Auron: I'm ready.

Wakka: Ready, ya!

Lulu: Ready.

Khimari: . . . (ready)

Seymour: I'm bad ass-overlord ready.

Kinoc: I'm ready to see them lose.

Crusaders: Were ready to die!

Sin: I'm ready to kill.

Nooj: I'm ready to be possessed by an evil malignant murderous 1000 year old spirit.

Shuyin: And I'm ready to do the possessing.

Terra: I'm ready to be awesome.

Cecil: Me too!

Plasma Knight: I'm ready to be myself as always.

Dark Magician Girl: -happy giggling- (I'm ready!)

Maya Natsume: I'm ready to be busty.

-everybody stops-

Tidus: Who's she?

-minutes later-

Tidus: Oh well, as you can see, we are indeed ready.

Crusader: Then let's begin! YEAH!

Just then the Sinspawn Gui breaks out of it's cage.

EVERYONE: Oh noes! We _weren't _ready for this!

Tidus: But I am!

Yuna: Really?

Tidus: NO!

Yuna: Let's kill it anyway!

So they march off to battle.

* * *

And I'm ready for some more reviews! They help keep me going you know. 


	17. The Crusaders finally lose!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 17: The Crusaders finally lose!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: NOTHING! that's what belongs to me.

* * *

Author's note: Well I have something to admit. I haven't been working on the story because I had thought nobody cared anymore. But then I recieved a stray review, seemingly a very random one that rekindled the dormant fires of purpose as far as this story goes. And therefor, to everyone who liked my story but didn't review for fear of a Ninja Attack, you can all thank Sin Vido Necrotica: The one person who actually reviewed since I uploaded chapter 16. 

And so, for those who do care, I shall strive to complete my story. Therefore... Chapter 17 I dedicate to those who don't fear a Ninja Attack in response for takine one minute to review my story.

* * *

**Mushroom Rock Road: Command Center**

Tidus: So, now that we have a ginormous Sin Spawn on our hands, what next?

Yuna: Well Lords Seymour and Kinoc are five feet away, as are the Crusader commanders. I'm sure we'll have some back-up.

Auron: They punked out as soon as Gui escaped.

Yuna: Well... shit. Time for me to punk out.

Yuna attempts to run away but Auron grabs her by her... well... Kimono Obi. I really can't think of any other convenient place for him to grab and stop her that doesn't run the risk of him pulling her top off by accident... wait... Anyway, he throws her back to the group.

Auron: We need the White Magic. As for you two.

Auron looks at Khimari and Wakka.

Auron: You arn't needed. Go play in traffic.

Wakka: Okay, Ya.

So they go off to the side.

Auron: And now we strike!

Auron and Tidus rush up and start hacking away at Gui, only for it's arms to get in the way.

Auron: Damn arms! Get out of the way!

Tidus: Well since I am obviously useless here...

Tidus rushes off before Auron can grab him.

Auron: Damn that fast kid!

Auron turns around and keeps on beating at the arms, not making any noticiable progress. Meanwhile Sinspawn Gui just sits there, taking it like a man... sinspawn... thing...

Yuna: Hey Lulu, it's up to us girls.

Lulu: What should we do Yuna?

Yuna: The only thing we can: attack it's weakpoint for MASSIVE DAMAGE!!!

Lulu: Flare!!

Yuna: Holy!!

Both girls cast their ultimate spells (ignoring Ultima because that's so strange in it's positioning on the sphere grid) totally killing the Sinspawn. Yuna points at it's corpse.

Yuna: That'll cost you 599 US. Life Points.

Tidus: Hey look! Someone went in the pool!!

Tidus is meanwhile pointing out at the coast where Sin is pulling in.

Tidus: 10 bucks on Sin!

Wakka: 50 bucks on Sin!

Lulu: 100 Quid on Sin!

Tidus and Wakka look at Lulu afraid.

Lulu: What?

Meanwhile:

Crusaders: Yay! Let's fight!

So they shoot at Sin with their cannons, in all likelyhoods they only succeed in tickling Sin, and also freeing up a bunch of Sinscales to kill them. After a while Sin decides it's had enough and uses some colorful gravity wave to disintegrate the Crusaders.

Tidus: Well... everyone saw that one coming right?

Auron: Mostly.

Yuna: They arn't bad-ass like me after all.

Lulu: Pretty much.

Khimari: . . . (agrees)

Wakka: Those traitorous bastards got what was coming to them.

Everyone else: Gasp!

Auron: Look out!

For some reason everyone dives to the sides, but somehow everyone but Yuna and Auron end up on the beach, scattered. Meanwhile Sinspawn Gui springs back to life. Seymour decides it's time to stop punking out and tries to take it on alone.

Seymour: Stand back lady Yuna!

Auron: So we're back to this again? Yuna, attack it's weakpoint for MASSIVE DAMAGE again!

Yuna: Sorry, outta MP.

Auron: Well... shit.

Auron punks out.

Seymour: Oh don't worry. I may be impossible to level up, teach spells to, and stuck at a paltry 1200 HP, but I have one good thing: A stupidly high amount of MP. Now Sinspawn, feel my super special awesome wrath!

Seymour begins to chant for a while as dark energy surounds him...

Seymour: Dark Mater, Ultima, Holy, Flare, Luminare, Flare Star, Gonner, Supernova, Meteor, Requiem, Death, Doom, Grand Cross, Big Bang, Firaga, Blizzaga, Thundaga, Waterga, Meteo (note the missing R children), Break, Merton, Quake, MegaFlare... shoot outta MP.

Meanwhile Sinspawn Gui has been reduced to a black smudge on the ground.

Yuna: Uhhmm... please let no scandal force me to fight him. I don't wanna die.

Seymour: Now that round two is over, let us watch the the Crusader's failure become complete.

Yuna: Ooh, let me get popcorn!

Seymour: And drinks.

Yuna rushes off to find some refreshment while Sin decides it would be fun to blow up a big cannon nearby. The Al Bhed in the cannon took veeeerrrry carefull aim, which would not be necessary given the size of the target in question, and fired, only to have Sin completely pwn them. Once the action is over Yuna returns, popcorn in hand.

Yuna: Aww did I miss it??

Seymour: Yeah sorry. It was awesome.

Yuna: Oh shoot.

Meanwhile Tidus wakes up on the coast, uterly alone, with the exception of a few corpses that apprently either didn't dissintegrate or spontaneously formed back together after disintigration. After doing some searching he finds the corpse of Gatta-die... wait a minute! He succeeded in dying! Wasn't my choise of a cruel nickname terribly ironic?

Tidus: You know, seeing him dead is a little more horrifying then I had in mind. I think I'll rage against my dad for it.

Tidus then jumps out to sea and tries to catch up with Sin, though anyone with a second grade education would know that no human could keep pace with a a gravity-controlling whale. Meanwhile Yuna had an idea.

Yuna: Alrighty. Now that the Crusaders are toast I'll take out Sin.

Seymour: Don't try it silly girl. He's too bad-ass even for you.

Yuna: Don't coddle me! I must try!

Seymour: Come now foolish child, he'd only kill you.

Yuna: Oh yeah. And what a waste to society would my premature death be? Thanks for the warning Maester Seymour.

Seymour: Anytime.

* * *

**Mushroom Rock Road: Aftermath**

_No you read correct. The beach was for reason unknown referred to as the "Aftermath" area._

Tidus woke up, somehow back on the beach to find Auron right before him.

Auron: Hey kid. Lots of people died today. I'll have plenty of groupies soon.

Tidus: Huh?

Auron: But it seems like we have to put up with you for a while longer.

Tidus: Whatever.

Auron: Oh and by the way: Sin is Jecht.

Tidus: Yeah, I almost felt him, but I'll just turn around mid-course and say I still don't believe you.

Auron: Believe what you want. Also know this: He did this to piss you off.

Tidus: Well it works.

Auron: He wants you to kill him.

Tidus: I already did.

Auron: Oh... good. See ya kid.

So Auron walks off. Tidus then notices Yuna.

_There she is dancing again. Yuna dances and people die. Wait... I got that backwards and -ouch-!_

_Yes. Tidus verablizes pain in his inner monologue._

Tidus stopped 'cause Paine bumped into him.

Tidus: Who are you?

Paine: I'm going for a bigger role in the sequal. Until then I don't exist.

Tidus: Oh okay.

Paine: You didn't see anything... right?!

Tidus: Sure thing.

Paine: Good.

Paine runs off again looking for Gippal, Nooj and Baralai. Then Tidus notices Auron.

Auron: Hey good work Kinoc. Your evil scheme resolved well.

Kinoc: I love it when a plan comes together.

Seymour: Well I'll be changing that soon.

Kinoc: Huh?

Seymour: Don't worry about it.

Seymour goes over to Yuna.

Seymour: Hey Yuna, you know what this means right?

Yuna: Uhmmm... all NPC's in Spira suck?

Seymour: Well yes, but it also means you have to be the people's strength more than ever, and for that you'll need your own source of strength.

Yuna: Are you hitting on me?

Seymour: Why yes. Yes I am. Take me as your piller of strength, like Yunalesca and Zaon.

Yuna: Who??

Seymour: Didn't you take history?

Yuna: No. They decided Summoners only need to know how to do their jobs. I bet that'll cause some problems for in two years and I'll have to ask things that natives to Spira should already know.

Seymour: Oh well. I'll be more blunt next time.

Yuna: I won't be looking forward to it.

So after all the cutscenes are over the group moves on ahead.

* * *

**Djose Highroad:**

Tidus and Khimari end up lagging behind.

Yuna: Hurry up slowpokes! I'm gonna get a new Aeon soon!!

Tidus: She's awfully cheerful.

Khimari conciders Tidus for a few seconds.

Khimari: In gloomy times she is obliged to be. She must shine bright.

Tidus is shocked. He didn't believe Khimari could actually talk anyway.

Khimari: And at this moment are tough times. She is compelled to try to do the right thing.

Tidus: Woah. Anyway, let's help her!

Khimari: If we fret she will try harder. Do not grimace.

Tidus: Hey you smile!

So Khimari tried. He grimaced.

After following the road and taking all the supplies the beaten Crusaders had left the group reached a fork in the road.

Tidus: Hey! How much longer to Zanarkand?!

Lulu: We must cross the Moonflow, reach Guadosalam, cross the Thunder Plains, traverse Macalania woods, escape a scandal of Yevon, cross a desert, cross really huge friggin plains, cross a mountain... and then that's it.

Tidus: Oh damnit. I was hoping we were almost there.

Yuna: What, you want me dead that badly?!

Tidus: No not really.

Yuna: Good. I'm keeping my eyes on you.

Yuna moves toward the right path.

Yuna: but first we are going to Djose Temple so I can get a new Aeon!

Tidus: Is that necessary?! You never use them!!

Yuna: So what? They can live with it!

Meanwhile Valefor and Ifrit were in some negative dimension where the Aeons live.

Valefor: Is Yuna ever gonna call us?

Ifrit: Not likely. Let's go panty raid Shiva!!

Valefor: You know I'm a girl right?

Ifrit goes into cardiac arrest from the shock.

So the group heads into Djose leaving Tidus and Auron behind.

Tidus: Oh no. Another cutscene between me and the aged semi-guardian who gets drunk a lot.

Auron: Shut up kid. I just wanted to warn you: Don't let Yuna know your dad is an evil gravity-controlling whale that kicks the crap out of Spira on a daily bases.

Tidus: Oh sure thing. But why not?

Auron: She would get all emo and ignore you. That would be bring certain doom to all of us. This is becaue Yuna would have no way to vent her teenaged womanly urges and would invariably make huge mistakes.

Tidus: Oh yeah, though I think the huge mistakes part is unavoidable. In any case, did you have to tell me? What about my feelings?

Auron: No I probably didn't have to tell you either, but I like messing with you.

Auron heads toward Djose laughing maniacally.

* * *

And I'm back with chapter 17! Sorry for the delay, I really plan to continue with my story... 

Now read and review, or I'm sending a Ninja squad after you!


	18. Thunderbolt and Lightning Very Very

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 18: Thunderbolt and Lightning, very, very frightning!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We owns nothing precious! Yes! Nothing! No, nasty hobbitses, they own things but not us, no precious, no!

* * *

Author's note: Thanks to all who reviewed!

* * *

**Djose Temple: Bridge**

The group heads closer to the Djose temple, but encounter Lucil, Elma and Clasko first. Damnit, can't we just not encounter the unimportant groupies Yuna's been collecting?!

Auron: Damnit, why can't we lose these groupies already?

Lucil: I'm glad to see your okay lady Yuna.

Yuna: Yeah, that'd REALLY suck if Sin killed me because you Crusaders lured it dangerously close to my position and then wouldn't let me leave the danger zone before the battle began.

Clasko: Actually that was Seymour's fault. He wanted you at the command center, remember?

Tidus: And he never actually _did _anything with us either.

Lucil: Anyway, sadly, our troops were pwned by Sin.

Yuna: That's what you get for being NPCs.

Elma: Yeah, we'll just have to wait until X-2 when most random Crusader NPCs get recycled into Youth League grunts or actual new characters.

Tidus: Heh, I pity whatever new sucker ends up with a model that once belonged to a random Crusader.

_Tidus was actually pitying Beklem, Yaibal, and both of Pacce's little pals._

Yuna: And I pity all the major characters in this story who end up being shafted to the side in our next one!

_Yuna just pitied EVERYONE but her and Rikku. Ouch._

Elma: And look, only one of our Chocobo's survived!

Yuna: Too bad.

-one winged angel suddenly starts playing and Sephiroth appears on scene-

Tidus: Who the hell is that guy?

Yuna: I dont know but... he's soooo awesome!!!

Sephiroth marches past without expression, but then looks at the Chocobo. He grinned evily. Anyone who knew him would know it's time to run for your lives. Sadly none of the X crew knew about the dangers of Sephiroth having a plan, so they stayed put.

Sephiroth: I just had an idea. I'm going to teach Chocobos how to summon Meteor. Then I'll finally have my revenge on Cloud. -Maniacal laughter- good luck raising a gold chocobo when you have to worry about being hit by falling rocks now you lesser beings!

Sephiroth walks off laughing. One Winged Angel ends.

Yuna: Woah. That explained a lot actually.

Lulu: Yuna, we are kinda on a time limit here?

Yuna: Oh yeah the new Aeon. I'll be even awesome-er!

Yuna dashes off toward the temple. The group follows.

* * *

**Djose Temple: Exterior.**

The group arrives to find alot of shaking going on and a number of large stone pillars in front of them. Upon coming closer however one piller shatters in an awesome thunderbolt, revealing the actual temple underneath it.

Wakka: Those damn Djose traitor bastards are showing off again ya!

Tidus: What's wrong with that?

Lulu: It's against the teachings for any one temple to be more impressive than the temple in Bevel.

Yuna: Why are you complaining Mr. Extra-millenia-of-Sin?

Tidus: So anyway, why did the rock... blow up?

Lulu: The lightning mushroom rock opens when a summoner speaks to the faith.

Auron: Looks like we got beat here.

Yuna: Another summoner is inside?

Tidus: What if it's Dona?

Yuna: I'ts probably some incompetent guy who will end up being evil later on.

Tidus: Well let's go see.

But before they got inside they found Luzzer first.

Luzzer: Hey guys. Gatta... he's dead.

Tidus: Yeah I know. It was slightly more horrifying then I planned it.

Luzzer goes apeshit on a wall and starts hitting it.

Luzzer: That stupid kid! Why the hell did he go out on the front lines like that?! DAMN IT!

Auron: You answered your own question. He was stupid.

Wakka: Alright, calm down there Luzzu.

Luzzer: You don't know what it's like!!

Wakka: Oh you mean to have someone else convince someone you care about to leave their place of safety and commit suicide? Actually, Luzzu, I do know. Very well.

Tidus: Woah. That was surprisingly profound Wakka.

Lulu: Sometimes he'll surprise you.

Luzzer: I think I'll go back to Besaid then...

The group decides to ignore him after that and heads inside.

* * *

**Djose Temple: Interior.**

The group heads inside just as three men exit the cloister of trials. One walks over to Yuna.

Yuna: Sorry I've already got a boyfriend.

She gestures at Tidus while saying this.

Yuna: And while you look fairly effeminant, I'll assure you he can top you there.

Man: Actually I wanted...

Yuna: And no I don't give out autographs.

Man: Actually I wanted to know if you are indeed Yuna.

Yuna: Oh yes. Yes I am. I'm sure I more than live up to the awesome rumors flying around about the beautiful, sexy, smart, funny and awesome summoner who's been dealing out justice wherever she goes?

Man: Actually I heard one of your group had a blitzball team beat up the elderly, attack blitzball players while in mid game, kill a kid in Kilika, then another got in a fight with another summoner's guardian, then you personally slaughtered a group of Al Bhed, failed to aid Rin in his time of need, and watched while the Crusader got pwned, and then stole their remaining items from them while they crawled away to lick their wounds.

Yuna is speechless.

Tidus: Well. We have quite a record eh?

Auron: No kidding.

Man: Anyway I am Issaru.

Issaru gestures to the man next to him.

Issaru: He is Maroda.

Maroda: I'm guarding my brother here.

Issaru: Hey Yuna, let's race to see who'll pwn Sin first alright?

Yuna: What Aeons do you have?

Issaru: Well... despite the fact that we are here and saw the Faith, I actually don't have Ixion... or any other Aeon right now sadly.

Yuna: Seeing as how I already have two aeons and will require no backtracking unlike you, I accept your challenge.

Maroda: Oh and by the way, it looks like Summoners are going out and vanishing. It'd suck if something happened to you next huh?

Auron: Was that some sort of veiled threat?

Maroda: No. Mandalorians don't make threats, they make promises. That was a friendly warning.

The group heads inside. Auron lags behind to make the hand motion that indicates "I've got my eyes on you" at Maroda before following them.

* * *

**Djose Temple: Cloister of Trials.**

Tidus: Woah this is a realy boring chapter. It's been so long since I smashed a fiend.

Yuna: Anyway, quickly you fools! Fan out and complete the trials! We must reach the chamber of the faith, before the temples guardians awaken!

Tidus: Woah, this temple has guardians in it?

Yuna: No. I just wanted to be funny.

So the group completes the Cloister of Trials. No way in hell I'm gonna actually type all that out.

* * *

**Djose Temple: Chamber of the Faith.**

Yuna enters the Chamber while her Guardians file in and await further duties.

Tidus: Woah, this part always sucks. We should really have brought something to read or something.

Dona enters behind them quickly.

Dona: Where's Yuna?!

Tidus: Too slow Dona. She beat you inside.

Barthello walks over to Auron.

Auron: Beat it. I don't give out autographs.

Barthello: Arn't you Auron? Can I shake your hand?

Auron: How often is that hand washed?

Barthello: All the time.

Auron: Fine. But If I get any malignant cancers or anything, you'll be hearing from my atorney.

So Barthello shakes Auron's hand. Just after that Yuna re-appears.

Tidus: Hey, I thought it took longer for her to finish?

Wakka: Well since Plasma Knight decided that none of the small talk was very important, he'd just skip it all.

Dona goes over to Yuna.

Dona: You are lucky your dad was famous. All these Guardians, Auron, and now Seymour loves you.

Yuna: Is that all? I was beggining to enjoy realizing how much better I am than you.

Dona: Your guardians won't be able to help you when the time comes. You'll vanish too.

Auron: Now I'm sure that one was a veiled threat.

Yuna: Don't bother Sir Auron. No point in killing the pathetic. They don't give out much EXP after all.

* * *

**Djose Temple: The Next Day.**

Tidus walks outside the inn to find everyone already awake and waiting.

Tidus: What's the hold up?

Lulu: Yuna.

Tidus: Oh. I'll go find her.

So he goes inside and finds her sleeping. A priest girl is standing beside her.

Priestess: She was up all night, doing her creepy voodoo dance.

Tidus: Oh. I'll let her sleep.

But right then Yuna woke up.

Tidus: Oh, morning.

Yuna: Oh it's that time already? Fine. I'll be there in minutes.

So Tidus leaves the temple, Yuna trailing him.

Yuna: Sorry for the hold up.

Lulu: Don't worry about it. Fix your hair though.

Wakka: A summoner with bad hair. We are all doomed.

Yuna: Alright, is it "pick on Yuna day" or something? I don't like this at all.

Even Auron chuckles.

Auron: Once lady Yuna fixes her hair, we leave!

So about an hour later the group files out where they encounter, once again the Chocobo Knight trio.

Lucil: Will you be alright Lady Yuna? You were up so late.

Yuna: I'll be fine. Don't coddle me, your the one with no army anymore.

Lucil: We'll fix that soon enough.

So the group continues on back to the fork in the road.

Tidus: Where next?

Lulu: The moonflow. We cross that and reach Guadosalam.

Tidus: Moonflow baby here we come!

* * *

A rather eventless chapter, but that part of the game was rather dull anyway. I'll try and update more regularly now, so continue to review!

Please and Thonx!


	19. Sailor Yuna Moon

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 19: Sailor Yuna Moon.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

Sorry for the wait! I kinda forgot about my story for a short while!

* * *

**Mi'hen Highroad:**

Paine, Gippal, Nooj and Baralai are meeting outside Rin's pad.

Paine: So let's split up?

Baralai: Sounds good.

Gippal: Later guys.

So they begin to walk off. Nooj suddenly goes insane and shoots them, and laughs maniacally afterward. His voice now is a mixture of Shuyin's and his own. He walks to the coast thingy Yuna wrote her will at and begins a decleration.

Shuyin: Hey Spira! You better watch your friggin' self 'cause this is one unsent that wants to see you DDDIIIEEE!!! Right friends?

Shuyin turns to the other three who are sprawled on the ground groaning in pain.

Shuyin: Have a fun death guys.

Shuyin laughs maniacally and heads down the Mi'hen highroad back up the north path.

* * *

**Moonflow: South Bank Path.**

The group heads down the path to the moonflow, until they encounter Shelinda.

Shelinda: Hi everyone. I hope you all have realized from the example set by the now deceased crusaders that only summoner can beat Sin!

Auron: And it'll be a long time before someone else tries to do anything again...

Yuna: Yeah, which means I'm more important than ever.

So the group decides to ditch Shelinda and head on up the path, where they find Biran and Yenke this time.

Auron: Why is it that we meet Yuna's groupies wherever we go?

_Plasma Knight hasn't once spelled Kimahri's name correctly up until now in this story._

Biran: Hey look! It's little hornless Kimahri!

Yenka: Hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless, hornless!!!

Kimahri: By the gods your annoying! Did you come here only to torment me!

Biran: There Kimahri goes with the big words again! And no, we came to warn Kimahri.

Yenke: Summoners go on journey and vanish! Never return!

Biran: Next will be little Kimahri's summoner!

Yenke: Poor Kimahri! First hornless, and next... summoner-less!

Biran: Pitiful Kihmari! Sucky Kimahri!

Kimahri: At least I'm not a savage!

Biran: Ha ha! Kimahri say big words alone! Big words alone!

Both Ronso run off laughing.

Tidus: Man those guys are jerks!

Kimahri: They're nothing but brutish mal-factors. We can ignore them.

Lulu: But I'm worried.

Wakka: We can't get involved. Let the Ronso kill themselves ya?

Tidus: Was that a question or a statement?

Lulu: I meant about the summoners vanishing.

Tidus: Don't sweat it. As long as we don't screw up, Yuna's safe.

Yuna: You mean like you guys did against Lord Ochu, Sinspawn Genais, and at Luca?

Auron: Well I've joined since then.

Yuna: Oh sure Rayquaza man, I'm safe.

Eventually the group grows bored of Yuna's tangent and goes on without her. Eventually she notices to and dashes up the path after them. Then the group met the FF4 gang.

Auron: Damnit! More groupies!

Cecil: Hey, If I didn't know better these people are following us!

Rydia: How do you know about these people? You never saw them before, except at that island.

Cecil: That is besides the point.

Rosa: I doubt they are following us.

Yuna: Why are you guys here?

Cecil: Well It's like this: A couple of guys (Golbez and Zemus) who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little war (The events of FF4, you know) and my girlfriend (Rosa) got scared, she said: "Let's follow Golbez, 'cause he's clearly evil!". And that's how we came here.

Tidus: That was awesome.

Auron: But it didn't rhyme.

Cecil: He's on to us!!!

Kain: Let's get out of here, and find that horn-hat girl!

The group rushes off.

Yuna: That was just weird.

So continuing on the group encounters Belgamine.

Belgamine: Hey Yuna, you saw that Machina can't beat Sin right?

Yuna: Yeah.

Belgamine: This means that summoners are even more important than ever!

Yuna: Bet Yevon just loves that huh?

Belgamine: And now we must do battle like all women.

Tidus: Mud wrestling?

Wakka: Naked Pillow Fight?

Auron: Embroidery conest?

Tidus and Wakka look at Auron scared.

Auron: What?

Yuna: No! With Aeons! Go Ifrit!

Belgamine: Ixion! Kill!

So the two aeons appear and stand against each other.

Yuna: Hellfire!!!

Ifrit performs it's two hours attack, badly damaging Ixion. Ixion meanwhile goes ape-shit on Ifrit, beating the hell out of it... that was until it was ready to use Hellfire again, which promptly killed Ixion.

Belgamine: Well. Shit. I'm out.

Belgamine takes off and the group continues.

* * *

**Moonflow: South Bank.**

The group finally arrives at the south bank, where Yuna encounters some lilly pads.

Yuna: Moonlillies!

Lulu: The Moonflow fills with pyrelfies, and at night it looks like a sea of stars.

Tidus: Sure are a lot of moon things in this chapter huh? But anyway, I have an idea!

Auron: We arn't staying till nightfall kid.

Tidus: Fine. Then, after we beat Sin, let's all come back.

Yuna: Yeah thanks, leave me out, jerk.

Tidus: Huh?

Wakka: Anyway let's get on the shoopuf!

Tidus: That a boat?

Auron: Check the guide kid.

_Shoopuf: an enormous... elephant like thing. People seem to be attracted to them for some reason. They seem to do every little with their lives, but their whole race appears to be enslaved to the Hypello._

_Hypello: Strange alien monsters that came to take over Spira, but sadly forgot why they were here. Afterwards they enslaved all the Shoopufs and developed a speach inpediement that makes it impossible to tell whether they are making statement or asking questions._

The group continues on to the south bank landing. Here Auron and Tidus get into a talk.

Auron: Wanna hear a story kid?

Tidus: No, not really.

Auron: Well too bad. I had to put up with your whining, so now you'll listen to a story damnit! Now where was I? Oh yeah, the story, I almost forgot about it, sorry kid, but I'm not that old yet. Anyway, when we first came here, Jecht decided to cut up some shoopuf. He was drunk you see. Actually Braska was too. The two of them would always steal my sake and then go on panty raids or wild rave parties. It really bugged me. At times I contemplated killing Braska to spare Spira the indignity of putting up with him as a high summoner.

Tidus: What's the point?

Auron: The point is Yuna's dad was deadbeat. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Tidus: So basically you were the only cool guy on that trip?

Auron: Yeah, pretty much.

Tidus continues on and finds Kimahri and Yuna

_Actually he should have found them first._

Tidus: Hey Yuna.

Yuna: We've been on a shoopuf before, right Kimahri?

Kimahri: The shoopuf went apeshit and bucked Yuna off of it. Then it tried to eat Yuna, but it luckily missed and put her back on the platform instead.

Tidus: Huh?

Yuna: Nobody ever said Shoopufs were smart. Many people said they were stupid though.

Tidus: So why were you travelling?

Yuna: I was moving to Besaid.

Tidus: Ha! Who'd wanna live there?!

Yuna: Apparently dad thought I did.

Tidus: Too bad for you.

So Tidus moves on and finds the chocobo knights again, arguing with a hypello.

Hypello: Noes! You fits that on a shoopuf yes?

Lucil: What the hell did that mean?!

Hypello: Imposhibible! Impooshibible!

Elma: Fine punk. But just wait, someday the crusaders'll come back with a batallion of troops being shot out of catapults and burning this landing pad to the ground!

Tidus: Woah.

Lucil: Anyway let's cross on foot. I'm sure this several miles long river will have a bridge. Oh and by the way: "Where theres a will theres a way."

Elma: Nice speach. I'll make sure to copy that.

So they head off and the group gets on board a shoopuf.

* * *

**Moonflow.**

The group rides in silence until Wakka suddenly speaks up.

Wakka: Hey look in the river!

Tidus does. He finds some cruddy ruins.

Lulu: Ancient people built a city on bridges across the river.

Tidus: Well that sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

Wakka: As anyone with a second grade education would expect, the bridges collapsed and the whole think went several hundred feet under.

Tidus: Ahh. So why are Machina forbidden?

Yuna: Because of a war. Long ago Bevell and Zanarkand duked it out. Bevell had the machina so Zanarkand got it's ass pwned. Then Sin appeard and people believed it was because of the Machina.

Wakka: And then Bevell formed Yevon and now Yevon rules us!

Tidus: Wait, the city that was using Machina formed a religous group that forbids Machina, and now that group rules Spira?

Auron: Nobody ever said Spira made sense kid.

Wakka: It's because of the Al Bhed screwing everything up!!

Suddenly the Shoopuf stops and some Al Bhed jump on board and snatch Yuna away.

Tidus: Hey! Speak of the devil! The Al Bhed!

Auron: Go get 'em kid. I can't swim.

Lulu: Me niether.

Tidus: Fine, whimps.

Tidus and Wakka jump overboard after the Al Bhed. They swim down, down, down and the flames they were up higher... wait a second... no they were actually deep in the lake. The Extractor however looms in front of them, with Yuna trapped in an energy orb above it. Wait a second, What the heck?

Yuna: Okay, the Al Bhed really suck. Stick me in a freaking Energy Orb damnit. What the hell.

Wakka: Yuna, we'll save you!

Yuna: Oh I feel so much better already.

So Tidus and Wakka take turns hitting the Extractor until it decides it's had enough. It then blasts the two of them with it's depth charges, somehow blinding them. Tidus and Wakka then freak out and start hitting everything in sight, which really only amounted to hitting each other.

Wakka: Damn that Machina's tough!

Tidus: -gag- et tu brute?

Yuna: Looks like it's up to me, but there's only one way I can break out of here on my own and defeat this Machina.

Meanwhile the Aeons get excited. They think their time has come. Sadly they were mistaken. Yuna takes out a brooch from one of her pockets and fixes it to her chest.

Yuna: Moon Prism Power: Make-up!

Then with a stupid amount of twirls, spins, flashy lights and the like A sailor uniform slowly forms on Yuna's body. She then somehow breaks out of the energy orb on her own. She drifts over to the defeated Tidus and Wakka, totally unneffected somehow by the water.

Yuna: The power of sisterly love renders the effect of liquid on my movement to nothing! Now feel my power!

Yuna goes through an elaborate set of spins and poses.

Yuna: I am Sailor Yuna-Moon I fight for Justice! I abolish evil! And that means YOU!

Tidus: Did her breasts just double in size?

The Extractor decides it's again had enough. It blasts Sailor Yuna-Moon with missiles that blow up just short of her.

Sailor Yuna-Moon: Your evil technology cannot peirce the power of sisterly shojo love! Feel this! Moon Yuna disky twirly escalation tiara!

Yuna-Moon throws her Tiara at the Machina, breaking off one it's silly cylinders in the top. The machina gets pissed and fires it's depth charges at Yuna-Moon.

Sailor Yuna-Moon: Hmph your blinding powers cannot stop the power of... well I suppose girly love works here. Now feel my greatest power!

Yuna-Moon begins to go into a set of rediculous and kinsthetically impossible twirls and moves, as white energy glows around her. Eventually the Machina starts to blast her again, only for the attacks to blow up short of Yuna-Moon again.

Wakka: Alright Yuna, can you get a move on?

Sailor Yuna-Moon: Come on! Just a few more hip-thrusts!

Tidus: While were young!!

Sailor Yuna-Moon: Oh fine. Moon sparkly moon girly shojo sisterly love attack of feelings, go!

Yuna shoots a sparkly ray at the Extractor, destroying it. After that the group returns to the Shoopuf.

* * *

**Moonflow:**

Auron: And remember Yuna, never, under any circumstances, get up while we are under attack.

Yuna: Yeah well I busted myself out thanks.

Wakka: Damn the Al Bhed! What do they want with us! I'll bet their petty 'cause we won the game! No wait, it's about Operation Mi'hen!

Tidus: Your jumping to conclusions. Stop hating the Al Bhed anyway.

Yuna: Hey thanks.

Wakka: Thanks for what? I'm confused.

Lulu: You always are.

Auron: Damn kids these days. I knew no good would come from city girls and their twirling moves and magical love powers.

* * *

And now for Sailor Yuna-Moon says! 

No just kidding. Just review now. That's all I really wanted. Actually... Sailor Yuna-Moon says Review! Ha! That works!


	20. Thieves, Half Guados and teenaged marria

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 20: Thiefs, half-guados and teenaged marriages, oh my!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does. We also don't own Christopher Paolini's Trilogy "Inheritence" or JR. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings."

* * *

**Moonflow road:**

Tidus decided he would ditch the group and head on alone. When he did that he found a seemingly dead person lying there, until he recognized the person.

Tidus: Hey it's question mark X4! How've you been?!

It's actually Rikku. She gets up and undresses. Then she realizes what she did and puts on her regular outfit.

Tidus: How've you been!!

Rikku: Well Yuna almost killed me, but otherwise I'm fine. It's Rikku by the way, don't you remember?

Tidus: All I remember is mush, sand, and getting hit a lot. My memory of my first meeting with you is rather bad.

Rikku: Oh okay.

The rest of the group arrives.

Wakka: Who's that?

Tidus: Rikku, she helped me out a while ago. She's an Al Bhe... oops.

Wakka: Woah, so you ow her your life!

Lulu: Wow, he's slow.

Wakka: So what happened to you Rikku? You looke like you got hit with a girly shojo beam of love and moon powers.

Yuna: Err we need to talk Wakka.

Wakka: Alright.

Rikku: Girls only.

Wakka: Oh fine.

So the group seperates.

Tidus: What are they doing?

Auron: Girl things. Reminds me of stuff Brask and Jecht would use to do. They'd say: "Pervs only. Auron, go get lost" and then they'd return, drunk, five or so hours later.

Tidus: That must really suck!

Auron: Yeah.

So the group eventually gets back together.

Yuna: Hey Auron, Rikku's joining.

Auron: I must look into her eyes first.

Yuna: Why?

Auron: I'm gonna try this new technique for mind control. I learned it from Sartorious from Yu-Gi-Oh GX. I make my eyes flash purple and everyone who sees it is my slave until someone else beats them in a children's card game.

So Rikku goes over. Auron sees she has swirly eyes.

Auron: Woah crazy. I'm not even trying.

So the group moves on, Rikku gets a tutorial but I'm not bothering. It's not very important anyway.

* * *

**Guadosalam:**

The group arrives just as some new Guado shows up to greet them.

Guado: I am Tromell! I'm gonna cause all kinds of trouble for you later, but for now I'm your friend. Oh, also Seymour sent me to get you.

Yuna: Oh. Let's go.

So they do.

* * *

**Seymour's pad:**

The group enters the mansion. Tidus got one of those feelings again. The feeling where he had to talk to everyone. Therefore he spoke with Lulu first. She was examining a number of pictures.

Lulu: These are of past Guado Leaders.

Tidus: Seymour looks different than them.

Wakka: Oh you didn't know?

Lulu: Jyscal married a human woman. Seymour is half Guado.

Tidus: Woah! Does that make him the bastard child of two mismatched races!!

Auron: Kid, never call the master of the house your in a bastard. That's just obvious.

Tidus: My bad!

Then Tidus spoke with Yuna. She was very nervous, which was actually quite out of character for her to be quite honest. After all that was done Tromell showed up and let them inside Seymour's audience chamber. Inside was a bunch of fruit, and empty glasses.

Tidus: What are we elves now from Christopher Paolini's trilogy "Inerhitence"? I want meat damnit!

Auron: Quiet Kid.

Tidus: What's eatin' you?

Auron: Well for now nothing. Guado eat fruit, just like the elves from Christopher Paolini's trilogy "Inheritence", which are surprisingly similar to those in JR. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" saga except slightly less creepy.

Tidus: Actually I disagree. There's that part where Oromis and Eragon wash off in a river together after sword-training.

Auron: Bad times, bad times.

Tidus: How much money is Plasma Knight making from naming all these stories, like Christopher Paolini's trilogy "Inheritence"?

Auron: Nothing, but he though it might be a nice way to make jokes. Just like how Christopher Paolini did a poor job of explaining why two month old Thorn would possibly hold his own in a fight with six to eight month old Saphira in Christopher Paolini's novel "Eldest" in Christopher Paolini's trilogy "Inheritence".

Tidus: Okay that's getting stupid. Let's stop.

Auron: Alright. Oh and by the way, Seymour's a maester, with power, so he's bound to abuse that power.

Tidus: That's sentient being's nature. Normally I'd say human, but this story have many sentient creatures, just like Christopher Paolini's trilogy "Inheritence" and JR. Tolkien's saga "The Lord of the Rings"

Auron: I thought we were stoping that? And anyway, my point is don't trust him.

Tidus: Do you think you have something against Yevon?

Auron: Who doesn't kid?

Tidus: Wakka.

Auron: Well he's dumb. Ignore him.

After that Tidus chose to go speak with Lulu.

Lulu: People usually skip by here and their way elsewhere. There's actually a game you see, as to who can get through here fastest. Yuna wanted to break the record but Seymour messed that one up.

Tidus: Oh no, Yuna's hard to deal with when she upset...

Lulu: You mean she's not hard to deal with to begin with?

Tidus thinks on that for a few seconds.

Tidus: You've got a point.

After that Tromell showed up again.

Tromell: Hey everyone! It's Seymour! He's so awesome! He's gonna lead the way for all of Spira!

Tidus: Or he'll turn insane and try to kill everyone.

Yuna: Oh the chances of that happening are remote.

Seymour meanwhile walks in.

Seymour: Praise me more! The overlord deserves it! Well anyway thanks for coming Yuna. I've got something to show you.

Auron: We haven't much time you know.

Seymour: Oh sorry. I haven't had many guests since my dad died, so I was rather lonely.

Tidus: Well you'd have to expect a few people to be worried about this place now.

Seymour: Point taken. Still I have something to show you.

So the group suddenly appears in a huge black void. From nowhere an amazing image spreads out under the people's feet and covers everything, showing the image of a futuristic city.

Seymour: Now who can tell me...

Tidus: Zanarkand! Hey it's my house over there! Oh shoot I wonder If I'm still in debt?

Everyone meanwhile is more than a little worried.

Auron: Don't mind him. Sin mind-raped him remember?

Everyone gives a sigh of relief.

Seymour: Anyway the feminine boy was correct however, this is a show of Zanarkand, the ultimate city! Or that was until Sin blasted it into the stone age.

Tidus: But I thought Bevelle did that?

Seymour: Don't be a fool. The home town of Yevon would never destroy it's own holy ground.

Tidus: Yevon makes no damn sense...

Seymour: Anyway I have someone else to introduce!

Then the group enters a new room where a slutty woman is sitting on her bed.

Seymour: I modeled my room after this.

Yuna: Where's the proof of that? Your guard won't let us in.

Rikku: Well two years from now we'll shaky-shake our way in here, only it'll be owned by a scanky woman in pink, and it'll be just the same as this sphere shows us! And there'll be a big statue of Nooj right over there!

Yuna: Uhh please tell me you didn't put that in yourself Seymour?

Seymour: Uhmmm uhhhhh oh look! I'll tell you all about the slutty woman!

Tidus: Sluts make everything better.

Auron: Damn right.

Seymour: She was Yunalesca. First high summoner. You inherited her name Yuna.

Yuna: No my name's missing the "lesca" part. Besides my name's already real. It means "Moon" or something like that. Don't imply that I'm just a cheap-knock off of that hussy. I'll do much better than she ever did.

Seymour: She killed Sin once, but she didn't save the world alone.

Auron: When you stop to look at the state of Spira today, I'd argue that she didn't really save it at all.

Seymour: Yeah maybe.

A man dressed in full armor walks in and phases through Yuna. For some reason she's overcome by the desire to block her chest and turn around even though she's fully dressed.

Yuna: Who's he?

Seymour: Lord Zaon. Yunalesca's husband. It took an unbreakable bond of love to smack Sin down.

Auron: Since Sin's still around one could argue that their love apparently wasn't very strong.

Seymour: Yeah maybe.

Suddenly everything gets really misty.

Tidus: Uhh is the scank taking a shower now or something?

Waka: I wanna see!

Meanwhile Seymour whispers something in Yuna's ear. Yuna slaps him.

Back out in the banquet hall Yuna stomps over to her Guardians.

Rikku: What's wrong Yunnie?

Yuna: That perve asked me to bear his children!

Tidus: Hey sicko!

Seymour: Lies! I mearly asked for her hand in marriage!

Auron: You've only known her a few days and you wanna marry her? That's how teenaged pregnancy happens man.

Yuna: Yeah and I don't wanna be a mom! I want my freedom!

Seymour: Just think it over...

The group turns to leave but Seymour stops Auron.

Seymour: Why are you still here?

Auron: If I could get out sooner I would.

Seymour: I didn't mean that. We Guado know a thing or two about the Farplane.

Auron: That won't stop your fall from grace...

So Auron leaves.

* * *

**Guadosalam:**

The group regroups outside Seymuour's pad.

Yuna: I can't believe what he asked me.

Lulu: But think about it. If a Half-Guardo Half-Human and a Half-Al Bhed and Half-Human mated that'd destroy ratial boundries.

Tidus: And they'd probably produce some incompatible bastard child with down syndrome that runs around with it's head between it's legs and trips on air pockets...

Auron: Probably yeah.

Yuna: Oh but I bet he's rich! That'd be fun. Anyway I think I'll go to the Farplane and think things over.

Tidus: Oh joys. Let's go too.

So they do.

* * *

And that's all for Chapter 20! Review if you can later. 


	21. Unsents behaving badly

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 21: Unsent behaving badly.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

BTW, Italic text in the middle of a character's dialogue section indicates the character is thinking.

Example:

Yuna: _Oh Yevon I am so bad-assed._

This indicates Yuna is praising herself non-verbally. As in with inner-monologue.

* * *

**Farplane entry:**

A while later the group regroups, again, outside the Farplane.

Tidus: Wait a minute! This Farplane is where dead people go right? And Yuna's dad's there right?

Suddenly a group of Ghosts mug Tidus but nobody notices. Tidus just stands there shivering.

Wakka: Thinking those dirty thoughts again?

Tidus: Urgh...

Wakka: We all thought so.

So the group heads on in but Auron gets cold feet at the last second.

Tidus: Come on, let's go old guy!

Auron: Hell no. That place is fragging creepy kid.

Tidus: Whimp. Your scared!

Auron: Say what you want.

Rikku: You won't see the dead! Just images of them! It's all the pyreflies doing!

Tidus: Oh yeah?

Rikku: Well have fun in there.

Tidus: Your scared too?

Rikku: No, I just keep my memories inside.

Tidus: Yeah well I bet your really a dead girl who's lingering on in Spira to fulfill your unresolved purpose in life.

Rikku: Who the hell would do something stupid like that?

Auron: Okay you kids have talked enough. In you go!

Auron grabs Tidus and tosses him into the Farplane.

* * *

**Farplane:**

Tidus walks in to see a number of semi-scary scenes: first Wakka speaking with the ghost of someone who looks NOTHING like Tidus. Lulu meanwhile watches. Yuna is looking at the ghosts of a man and woman, and Khimari is looking sadly at the ghost of a floating horn.

At that moment in a pretty collection of swirling clouds, the beautiful scenery of the prettily colored Farplane is revealed, to the squealing of many schoolgirls.

Man, there wasn't one manly word in that whole sentence.

Tidus first goes over to Wakka.

Wakka: Hey there Chappu! Meant to visit you a little sooner, but I got tied up! I quit blitzball.

Meanwhile Chappu's corpse, wherever it is, starts rolling around in it's grave. If Chappu's ghost could move, it would go apeshit on Wakka for being a quiter.

Wakka: So anyway, some guy came along who looks like you (more anger from Chappu), and I gave him your sword. I knew you wouldn't mind. He likes it. So how you been? Is death peaceful?

The only thing saving Wakka from a quick and brutal death was the fact that Chappu himself was... well... dead. Tidus got tired of eavesdropping on Wakka and waked over to Lulu.

Lulu: He is dead, and I am alive. I think it's time I let him go.

Tidus: Good idea. Burying the past always helps.

Lulu: I suppose it's time I find a new boyfriend.

Tidus: How about Wakka? You two get along.

Lulu: Please, do I look desperate to you? Besides, If I marry him I'll probably be shafted to some side role in whatever sequel we might have some day.

Tidus: Final Fantasy games NEVER have sequels! And besides, why would we get one and not the two best games in the series: Final Fantasy VI or Final Fantasy VII?

_Plasma Knight lurves those two. And IV. And X. Oops this is X. LOL._

So Tidus goes over to Khimari.

Khimari: Oh how I miss you lost apendage. My life has been rather difficult since you left me. May we meet someday again in the afterlife.

Tidus: _Hoo boy. Better go see Yuna._

So he does.

Yuna: Looky it's mommy and daddy!

Tidus: So feeling any better yet?

Yuna: Yes, I've reached my choice. I should do what everyone wants, but my needs come first.

Tidus doesn't know whether this is good or bad for his case so he simply decides to avoid the subject.

Yuna: Well I'll go give Seymour my response.

They turn to leave.

Yuna: Hey wait, try calling Jecht!

Tidus: I don't wanna...

Yuna: He won't come. He can't be dead.

Tidus thought for a second and decided that he had to agree. After all, Jecht was busy being a massive gravity-controlling bug-spawned whale. Death wasn't yet on his schedule.

Tidus: I'd rather never think about him again!

Yuna: Why not?

Tidus: He was an ass to my mom and...

At that moment Tidus' mom appears.

Tidus: Mom! But nobody sent her!

Yuna: She must have accepted death while still alive. That indicates suicide, further indicating she could have been an emo chick.

Tidus: Hey that's my mommy your insulting!

Tidus thinks for a while.

Tidus: So that's why I hate dad!

* * *

**Flashback:**

At Tidus' house, Jecht and Tidus' mom are talking.

Jecht: So then I got into a bar fight. It was awesome.

TM: Really? Tell me a story, I love you so much dear!

Young Tidus: Mommy...

TM: Go away demon child!

Jecht: Ahh go to him. He'll cry if you don't. He cries all the time.

Young Tidus just starts to spontaneously cry.

Jecht: See! He's crying! Point and laugh dear!

So they do.

Tidus: My dad always turned my mom against me and made her ignore me! And then when he went away, Mom turned all Emo and secluded herself from the world, rather like Emily Dickens except that she didn't write anything.

Young Tidus and Auron are at Tidus' house again.

Auron: Is she still kicking?

Young Tidus: What do you care?

Auron: If you mom croaked it, that'll make my job even tougher.

Youn Tidus: Don't say she'll die!!

Auron: Go cry in a corner, emo kid.

So Young Tidus does.

Tidus: My neighbor said most animals die of despair when their mate dies. I rather didn't like anyone comparing my mommy to an animal, but that ended up happening anyway.

* * *

**Farplane:**

Tidus: So how do you like my story Yuna?

Yuna: Go cry in a corner, emo kid.

So Tidus does. Eventually they leave.**

* * *

**

**Farplane Entry:**

The group is about to leave when Jyscal's ghost pops out of the Farplane.

Auron: I KNEW this was gonna happen! Never trust the Farplane!

Guado: -gasp- Lord Jyscal!

Other Guado: Bad Jyscal! Bad! Go back to the Farplane!

But Jyscal just keep stumbling forward.

Tidus: But in all realities, what's he gonna do? He's a ghost!

Auron: Yuna, send him. The Unsent shouldn't linger her.

Plasma Knight: Hypocrite.

Rikku: What are you doing here?

Plasma Knight: Dark Magician Girl and I wanted to see our dearly deceased loved ones.

Tidus: Do you actually _have _any dearly deceased loved ones?

DMG: No, Plasma Knight thought it'd be fun to abuse the mourners.

Wakka: Uhh we got a ghostly Guado coming up!

Yuna: I'll handle it!

Yuna goes over to Jyscal and dances a little, causing him to vanish. He drops a sphere but nobody notices, somehow.

Auron: Let's get the hell out of here!

Everyone agrees, except Plasma Knight and DMG, who go inside to abuse the mourners.

* * *

**Farplane Corridor:**

Tidus: So what happened there?

Auron: Jyscal came back from the dead. Like a Zombie. Only with less Resident Evil stuff involved.

Rikku: How did he do that?

Tidus: He didn't get sent, so he became a fiend! Ha ha ha!

Lulu: Doubtful. Seymour would have sent him.

Auron: Which means his death wasn't clean. It was dirty.

Tidus: Are you implying he died from an overdose of hentai?

Auron: Maybe.

Plasma Knight: In that case I'd already be dead!

Yuna: Stop following us!

Tidus: What are the chances of him coming back again?

Yuna thinks for a while.

Yuna: There are none.

_That's what YOU think Yuna._

* * *

**Guadosalam:**

The group regroups in front of Seymour's pad.

Yuna: See you guys.

Auron: Yuna. Jyscal is the Guado's problem. For Yevon's sake, don't try to take justice into your own hands!

Yuna: Sure thing.

Tidus and Rikku walk off together.

Rikku: So Yunie's getting married! Now's your chance!

Tidus decided he'd be a little pimp however and flirt with Rikku.

Tidus: I'd rather have you, Rikku.

Rikku gave out a surprised gasp and acted shy for a while. Then she pounded a little on Tidus' back and jumped down.

Tidus groaned with dissapointment and next encountered the FF6 crew.

Tidus: What are you guys doing here? And please no Fresh Prince song to explain it.

Terra: Darn. Well it works like this: Kefka's on the loose somewhere so were looking for him on this world.

Locke: Yeah there's supposed to be lots of troubles here.

Edgar: I just came for the women.

Sabin: I don't even know why I'm here.

Terra: Your here to bust things with your fists. Like any brute, only your a prince brute.

Sabin: Yay!

Tidus: And what do the rest of you do?

Terra: I blow things away with the evil Celestriad+Soul of Thamasa Ultima+Quick Combo.

Celes: I do the same with out Soul of Thamasa.

Locke: I steal things.

Sabin: I bust rocks.

Edgar: And I skirt chase. Speaking of which.

Edgar dashes to second base on Terra and Celes, and then runs the hell out of there, only to get hit by Ultima several times.

Tidus: Uhh I prefer my friends. See you guys later.

So Tidus for some reason tries to leave Guadosalam only to have Shelinda show up.

Tidus: Oh yay. More groupies.

Shelinda: Did you know Seymour left for Macalania temple?

Tidus: Oh good. You were useful this time. You can have a Shelinda snack.

Tidus throws Shelinda a Shelinda snack and then runs over to the team. Meanwhile...

_Plasma Knight didn't feel like throwing in an area transition just for one line of dialogue._

Yuna is speaking to Jyscal's portrait inside Seymour's house... yeah.

Yuna: What do you want me to do Jyscal?

If Jyscal could talk, he'd probably say: "Well for one stop talking to a damn picture! And second try stripping and asking again."

Lulu calls Yuna out so she leaves Jyscal's portrait alone, and thoroughly dissapointed.

Outside Tidus recounts what he learned from Shelinda, so the group ditches out of Guadosalam, finally.

* * *

Well that was a boring Chapter wasn't it. Things should get more fun now that they've left Guadosalam, most boring place in Spira. 


	22. In Spira, lightning ALWAYS strikes the s

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 22: In Spira, lightning ALWAYS strikes the same place!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Thunder Plains:**

_The Thunder plains are the site of an endless storm. Somehow the energy required to form lightning bolts never runs out here. BTW, this is a terrible place to hold a concert. It's asking for mass genocide as a result of electric shock, or fiend rampage._

The group enters what could be arguably the most dangerous place in Spira.

Tidus: How the hell do we cross this?

Lulu: See the lightning rod towers?

Tidus: Yeah.

Lulu: They won't work for two more years. That leaves one option: Running our asses off.

Tidus: Then why the hell are those even there?!

Auron: Make people feel safe. That's what happens when the Al Bhed do all the work. I mean, after watching their show in Operation Mi'hen, you have to learn to not expect much from them.

Rikku meanwhile is very scared.

Rikku: Uhh hey look at the time! I've got an appointment in Guadosalam.

Auron: Well your company was pleasent. Back to six I guess.

Yuna: Don't worry I have the perfect person to replace her.

Yuna produces Magus from Chrono Trigger from seemingly nowhere.

Magus: Why am I here?

Yuna: Your not wanted anymore Rikku.

Tidus: Why Magus?

Yuna: He may be a bunch of pixels, but he's hot. And awesome.

Auron: He challenges my awesome level. That earns anyone a medal.

Magus: Indeed.

Tidus: He's not all that cool.

Magus: Dark Matter.

And Tidus was vaporized, but still lives.

Rikku: I won't have my place be ussurped by some blue haired cape-billowing glove-fiddling Scythe-wielding...

Wakka: He's looking better all the time!

Rikku: Grrr I'm going!

So the group of eight began to walk across the Thunder Plains. BTW, since Mihen Highroads Yuna was mostly allowing Auron to do all the work, as she felt he earned some kills, unlike everyone else. Now she let Magus and Auron contend for kills. And then the quactaur showed up.

_And don't ask Plasma Knight who activated the Cactuar stone DAMNIT!_

Tidus: What's that thing!

Rikku: It's a cute cactus! I shall call him prickly, and he shall be mind, and he shall be my prickly! Come here prickly!

Rikku tries to hug prickly only to recieve 1000 needles.

Rikku: Ow! Bad prickly! Bad!

Auron: That's a Qactuar silly girl!

Magus: Qactuar?

Auron: It should be with a C I think but for some reason it's a Q.

Magus: Dark Mist!

Qactuar dies.

Rikky: He killed Prickly!

Magus: Oh go cry me a river, emo girl.

So she does. And then she gets hit by lightning.

So the group continues until Tidus comes to a stop.

Tidus: I've got this strange feeling.

Tidus jumps away from a lightning bolt, defying all reason and logic.

Tidus: 199 more times to go!

Auron: WHAT?! You've gotta be kidding me kid!

Yuna: Your not REALLY trying to get the Venus Sigil?!

Lulu: Yay! Someone cares!

Tidus dodges a few more bolts, then gets hit.

Tidus: Oh well time to start over.

two hours later.

Everyone is quite bored by now. Magus even ditched the group and left. Yuna was quite sad about that.

Yuna: How much longer are we gonna do this?!?

Tidus: 197, 198, 199 -zap- damn. Time to start over.

Auron: Oh yevon no!!!

Auron walks to the side a few feet.

Auron: Just hit me! You never held back before! This farce of an existence isn't worth it! I can't take the waiting anymore!!

The lightning shuts off, but the clouds stay.

Auron and Rikku start celebrating while Tidus and Lulu mourn. Yuna, Wakka and Khimari just continue on. Next the group found Maechen again.

Maechen: Hey everyone. Would you like to hear a story?

Tidus: Yes!

-everyone else groans-

Auron: Do you even use The Guide anymore kid?

Tidus: I lost it somewhere a ways back.

Auron began to swear frequently as Maechen began his story.

Maechen: People get fried by lightning all over the place a while ago, until an Al Bhed named Bilghen made these lightning rod towers. Sadly he was ironically killed by lightning before his work finished.

Tidus: Is that why they don't work?

Maechen: Perhaps. Sadly also, he's never mentioned as he was an Al Bhed.

Auron: Our history books don't even mention the Al Bhed as existing.

Tidus: That's f'ed.

Auron: It's what happens when a fanatical religious group controls a nation. You learn to expect history elements slipping through the cracks.

So they continue until they reach a travel agency.

Auron: We're skipping this one.

Rikku: What about a few chapters ago when you wouldn't hear anything against stopping?!

Auron: I'm practically senile silly girl. You can't expect me to always make sense.

Rikku: But I wanna stay!

The rest of the group ignores her and walks on. She continually whines until Auron decides he's had enough.

* * *

**Thunder Plains: Travel Agency:**

The group enters, and Yuna decides it's time she took a nap.

Yuna: I'm very tired I'm gonna go get my beauty sleep.

Tidus: Concidering the last time we rested was a good three or four chapters ago I think we've all earned it.

Auron: Too bad kid. Only Yuna gets a room. You get to sleep on the floor.

Tidus: Damn!

Tidus notices Rikku is still frightened.

Tidus: Why are you so scared?

Rikku: Well one day I was swimming at the beach...

Tidus: In a bikini?!

Auron: Quiet kid, I wanna hear the story.

Rikku: So anyway, I was swimming at the beach, and a Machina attacked me!

Tidus: Uhm... in the water?

Rikku: Yes! And then my brother tried to fry it with a thunder spell, but missed and hit me instead!

Lulu: Uhh you do know magic can't miss right? Either your brother is completely incompetent or he tried to kill you.

Rikku: Anyway, I've been scared of lightning ever since.

Lulu: but Lightning is useful against water fiends.

Tidus: How would you know? You haven't killed one thing since this story started.

Lulu: -sigh- sadly this is true.

At this time Rin walks in.

Tidus: Hey Rinny!

Rin: Please refrain from calling me that again. Anyway, how goes your study of our language?

Tidus: _Uh oh. I totally forgot to read that book entirely... I'll just humor him. _Not to bad! Get this: Helly doo sad wee!

Rin: You said that the first time we met.

Tidus: Uhm... no I didn't?

Rin: -sigh- Vuum uv Yevon.

Rin then notices Auron.

Rin: Say, is that sir Auron?

Tidus: Yep sure is!

Rin: Hello Sir Auron!

Auron: Oh damnit kid... thanks for your help back there Rin.

Rin: Not at all. I couldn't leave you to die. But I was surprised when you left the next day so wounded.

Tidus: How bad was it?

Rin: He was suffering from extensive bleeding, he was missing a leg and an arm, he was exhausted and he was slightly drunk.

Tidus: Damn.

Auron: Alright. Time to shut up now Rin.

Tidus: Anybody else got a conversation?

Everyone else: No.

Tidus: Alright then.

So Tidus sneaks over into Yuna's room and catches sounds of talking from her room. He sadly falls into her room.

Yuna: What the hell are you doing here?

Yuna then immediately shuts off a sphere that was displaying an image of Jyscal.

Tidus: Hey it's Jyscal! You wouldn't be hiding any scandals or similar info from us right?

Yuna: No! I would never do that! And besides, it's just his will. He wants us to take care of Seymour.

Tidus: Cool! I'll get behind him and you push!

Yuna: Not that way stupid.

Yuna runs off. Wakka walks in and grabs Tidus in a headlock.

Tidus: Hey what are you doing?! Help! Rape! Rape! Security!

A group of men wearing black suits dash in and beat Wakka down, pick Tidus back up and dust him off.

Tidus: What was that about?

Wakka: I wanted to tell you: Yuna will tell us what she's doing when she's ready, so hold your chocobos until then?

Tidus: But by then she'll likely have made a stupid decision! Hey wait, are you telling me to masturbate? Security!!!

The men in suits charge in again and beat Wakka with sticks for a while.

* * *

**The next day:**

The group prepares to leave again. By now the lightning has turned back on.

Tidus: Yay! I'm gonna do some more lightning dodging when we get out!

Auron: Oh no you don't!

Auron grabs some dust tape and tape Tidus' legs together.

Auron: Good luck dodging lightning now!

Rikku: The lightning isn't stopping is it?

Auron: TS, were going now!

Rikku: Oh fine!

* * *

**Thunder Plains:**

Outside Wantz shows up and photographs Yuna, then runs off. The group does nothing about this.

Yuna: That, was THE weirdest thing that's happened so far.

So the group continues on until Yuna decides it's time to open a can of worms.

Yuna: Hey, hey I got something to say.

Wakka: Right now? Were almost out!

Yuna: Nope. Must happen now.

So they walk over to some covered area.

Yuna: I'm gonna marry him.

Lulu: I thought so.

Wakka: So how come ya?

Yuna: Why else? For the money!

Tidus: That's no reason!

Rikku: Actually it is.

Lulu: Wait, this has something to do with Jyscal doesn't it?

Tidus: Oh yeah! Jyscal's sphere!

Auron: He had a sphere? Hand it over Yuna.

Yuna: Hell no.

Auron: So your gonna endanger all of us on a personal whim? Damn kids these days.

Wakka: You can't just walk with Seymour? You gotta marry him?

Yuna: Yup.

Auron: Well anyway...

Yuna: I won't quit my pilgramige.

Auron: Oh. I could care less then.

Tidus: Wait, you won't stop her?!

Auron: Nope. Summoner's privalige. If she's willing to journey she can do whatever.

Tidus: _She's willing to go on... she privaleged? What the hell does this mean?_

Auron: In any case, were going to Macalania already. Yuna will speak with Seymour and we'll wait like good little servants until you decide to finally fill us in. Is that OK with you Yuna?

Yuna: Yup.

Auron walks off in the direction of Macalania, grumbling. Tidus does as well.

_The reason Plasma Knight cut the whole Rikku saying how much she wanted to help Yuna was because he felt the scene was rather unneccessary._

* * *

And so another chapter comes to a close.

Personally, Yuna's decision on how to deal with Seymour was one of the (Probably THE most) dumbest moves she made in the whole game IMHO, so I'll be ragging on her quite often up to there.


	23. What is this forest made of?

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 23: What exactly is this forest made of?!?

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: Yes, we own nothing, we own nothing today!

BTW: Sorry for my inactivity. I've had some trouble gaining internet access lately.

* * *

**Macalania Woods:**

_Researchers are still uncertain what Macalania is actually made of. It seems both Crystalline and Icy in nature._

The group finally enters Macalania forest. Tidus and Auron lag back a ways.

Tidus: So why's she gonna get married anyway?

Auron: What can I say? She's being stupid.

Tidus: Anything else?

Auron: She's probably trying to negotiate with Seymour something having to do with Jyscal.

Tidus: Then why is she keeping that secret? Doesn't she trust us?

Auron: Au Contrare. She doesn't want to get us caught up in her business.

Tidus: Isn't that our jobs though?

Auron: Exactly. Like I said: She's being stupid. She's naive, serious to a fault and never asks for help.

Tidus: Yeah she is.

Auron: She's easy to read, but hard to guard. What were they thinking letting her out of the Temple? She should have gone for tyrant training rather than Summoner training. Anyway, stick with her.

The group heads on and encounters Lucil and Elma again.

Tidus: Hey, if you guys didn't cross the river as easily as we did, how'd you beat us here??

Lucil: Simple: Sleep isn't compulsory.

Yuna: So whatcha doing here? Seeing as how there's going to be a party at the temple, how is it two fine young ladies like yourselves didn't warrent an inviation?

Elma: We've gotta guard this path.

Tidus: You know since there's a party where a number of VIP's are going to be, that makes guarding this one path seem a bit superfluous really.

Lucil: Well we thought it was really important... anyway you can't go this way yet. Go the other way, toward the temple. We'll stay here and guard this path, and then find Chocobos to replace the ones we lost.

Tidus: You know, I doubt we'll ever see you again.

Rikku: Me and Yunie will, two years from now, when they'll be a lesbo couple in a military organization that's as pacifistic as a band of ravenous wolves.

Auron: Sorry girls, but your five minutes, and all your screentime is up. We'll not be seeing you again.

Lucil: See you lady Yuna and Rikku. Not the rest of you though.

So the party heads into the forest, meeting up with nasty fiends on the way like little lizards, bees and crystalline moles, oh my!

Tidus: considering we sometimes have a hard time with all these fiends, you gotta wonder how anybody travels through Spira without being mauled to death.

Auron: Nobody said Spira made sense Kid.

Lulu: But many people say it doesn't.

So continuing on the group encounters Barthello.

Tidus: Oh no it's the brute!

Barthello: Uhh I lost Dona. Very emberassing.

Khimari: By the gods! You have got to be the lousiest Guardian ever!

Auron: Right next to Jecht.

Barhello: I must find her!

Auron: Chill out muscle man. Calm down, think. Now then, by all accounts, Dona is a bitch so you should actually enjoy your freedom from her.

Barthello: Oh well. Thank you for your time Sir Auron.

Barthello runs off. Rikku chases after him a short distance and then seems to decide better of it.

Wakka: Where are you goin' ya?

Rikku: Oh I just wanted to wish him good luck.

Auron: You haven't got some malignant secret have you? Hmmmmm?

Auron gets real close and gives Rikku the Evil Eye.

Auron: I've got my eye on you now.

Rikku: Uh-oh.

Next the group encounters a strange dress wearing eagle-man playing a harp.

Tidus: It's a mutant!

Yuna: Kill it Sir Auron!

Auron: Wait. It's just an NPC it means no harm.

NPC: A butterfly with rainbow wings will lead the way to secret things.

Tidus: What "secret things"? Are we talking drugs here?

Khimari: It's for my ultimate weapon! Spirit Lance! We MUST chase the butterflies.

Yuna: Hell no. I have a rich priest to marry.

Tidus: Besides, this game is almost as irritating as the whole "dodge 200 lightning bolts thing".

Rikku: You know, you've probably got the second or maybe third hardest sigil to obtain?

Tidus: Damnit!

Wakka: At least mine is just tedious rather than difficult.

Rikku: I've gotta hunt ten cactuars.

Yuna: I've gotta beat all Belgamine's Aeons.

Everyone glares at Yuna.

Tidus: Why is it your sigil is so easy to find?!

So the group heads on when Auron suddenly stops.

Auron: Wait, it's here.

Tidus: What?

Yuna: Sir Auron...

Auron: Yuna, I'm sorry but the kid and I are the stars of this game, even if you are the Female lead. In fact your real importance is going to diminish before too long. You can just sit down, shut up and wait until X-2 when you get to dance around Spira scantily clad and playing grab-ass with Rikku alright?

Yuna: Alright Sir Auron.

Tidus: Why does she submit to him??

Auron then slashes his way through some trees, leading the group to a pool of water.

Tidus: What's this?

Auron: Spheres are made of this.

Rikku: So why is that Yunie and I will find Spheres of all colors in two years?

Auron: Who knows, maybe the glass is tinted?

Suddenly a rather large amount of Water converges, forming a rather frightening fiend.

Auron: Oh, and Fiends sometimes hang out here.

Yuna: So why the hell are we here?

Auron: Meh, I don't have to tell you.

Tidus: Well my guidebook says we have to hit it with a certain element.

Lulu: Screw that, Flare!

A decent amount of damage is dealt to spheremorph or whatever the hell that thing is called.

Yuna: Flare!

Over double that amount was inflicted again.

Lulu: Wait, why is your magic so much more powerful when your real strength are the Aeons?

Yuna: I dunno, take it up with the game designers.

Tidus: But how did you two both know Flare?

Lulu: Simple: We cheated.

Yuna: Yeah.

Auron: Well anyway, I wanted to come here to show you this sphere.

Tidus: Alright.

Auron hands Tidus the sphere, which the latter person activates, showing first a jail cell with Jecht in it. Braska and a younger fitter Auron appear on scene.

Tidus: Wow Auron you look so healthy and youthful.

Yuna: And dad looks so... right... absolutely the same.

Braska: You're the man from Zanarkand named Jecht right?

Jecht: What's it to you?

Young Auron: Answer knave!

Jecht: Why don't you come in here and say that!!

Young Auron: Fine, I will!

Young Auron walks in, repeats the satement, and walks out, revealing the cell was unlocked all this time.

Jecht: Damn! Wish I knew that sooner.

Braska: Anyway I'm leaving on an adventure. Trecking across the world, killing whales, picking up chicks. Wanna come along?

Jecht: Anything to get out of here!

Braska: Excellent. And then a summoner party was born!

Young Auron: But this drunkard is certain to be the worst guardian EVER!

Braska: Oh well. Were all unorthodx if you haven't already noticed. I suppose we'll just have to be the white trash in terms of summoner parties. Anyway going like this sounds more fun anyway.

Jecht: Hey! Get me out first!

_Plasma Knight realized at this point that this scene doesn't actually happen during this particular jecht sphere but decided it would be a waste of lame humor to erase it all. Bare with him please._

Next we see the not-so-fearsome threesome walking along a large bridge.

Young Auron: What the hell are you doing there Jecht?

Jecht: Recording our journey. It's bound to be awesome!

Young Auron: This isn't some pleasure cruise!!

Jecht: Yeah, if there were there'd be more bikini clad women around. Speaking of which, where's all the cheering fans and crying women?

Braska: Too many goodbyes and people decide not to leave.

Jecht: Oh well. There'd better be a much better reception when we return! A parade for Braska, most unorthodox summoner ever!

Braska: Sure thing Jecht.

And next the group is at an icy area. This time Braska is recording.

Braska: Get closer Auron!

Young Auron is a full five feet away from Jecht, beating him away with his sheathe.

Young Auron: Hell no! If I get to close his drunken stupidity might rub off on me like it did to you!!

Jecht: But life is funner that way! BTW Braska, you should record something for Yuna too!

Braska: Maybe I will...

And lastly Jecht is now alone.

Jecht: Hey kid, if your watching this you must be stuck in Spira now like me. Anyway, don't cry you whimp! It'll make me look bad get it? Oh, and by the way... I uhh... well... llllll... damn I can't say it. Never mind.

And that's that.

Tidus: What the hell was that? Their journey was no pleasure cruise!

Auron: Yeah there'd have been more bikini clad women if there was. Well at least this time there's still a chance of that happening.

Yuna: So what was the point?

Auron: I was getting to that. Your father loved you, and he left you these spheres all over the world to prove that.

Tidus: Don't care.

Auron: They also unlock my hidden powers.

Tidus: Don't care.

Auron glares at Tidus for a few seconds.

Tidus: Alright! I'll keep an eye out for them!

Yuna: Alright then, your guyse few minutes of splotlight are over. I've got a rich priest to marry now.

Auron: -sigh- lead on then your royal bitch-ness.

* * *

And sorry again for my inactivity! Hopefully it won't happen again!!!


	24. An unseen calamity occures!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 24: An unseen calamity occures!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: Yes, we own nothing, we own nothing today!

* * *

**Macalania Lake:**

_Why a flat section of extremely thick ice covering only a few feet of water a good several yards down is clasified as a lake is still being looked into._

The group arrives at the snow-covered lake, Macalania.

Lulu: Ahh finally my decision of wearing a black dress comes in handy.

Rikku: I'm cold.

Tidus: Well you know huge scarves don't really counter being so scantily clad.

Rikku: I'm not wearing a scarf.

Tidus: Oh I was thinking of X-2.

Auron: Damnit, there you go again breaking the fourth wall.

Yuna: Sir Auron, you did that too last chapter remember?

Auron: Doh!

So the group continues on until they arrive at Rin's travel agency.

Tidus: My guide book says there's no real reason to stop in here.

Auron: Then we continue on. Unless Rikku's also afraid of ice?

Rikku: Nope.

Auron: Good.

Tidus: Wait up! It's that whimp Clasko who hasn't actually had a single line so far in this story If I remember correctly!

Wakka: Actually he got a line in the chapter while we were at Djose.

Auron: There you go _again!_ Doesn't anyone think about the Fourth wall? Or the children?

Tidus rushes over to Clasko.

Clasko: Those lesbos left me behind again.

Tidus: Too bad man.

Clasko: I'm thinking of quitting actually and becoming a chocobo breeder.

Tidus: Sounds good. Just learn your lesson this time and don't join another military organization in the future alright?

Clasko: Yeah, I learned my lesson this time.

Tidus: Good.

So the group continues until they encounter Tromell.

Tromell: Hey Yuna. Lord Seymour is waiting for you at the temple.

Yuna: Hey, would Seymour still let me go on a pilgrimage even If I marry him?

Tromell: Oh I'm sure he'll be fine with that.

Auron: Considering Yuna's chances of survival are in the negative that really says alot about how Seymour feels about his wives.

Tidus: No wonder no one ever wants to stay the night at his house!

Tromell: Anyway you guys will all have to wait here. Guado tradition.

Tidus: That's totally stupid! What if some calamity happens while your on the way to the temple?

Tromell: Oh the chances of that are pathetically low.

Auron: Sure. Sure.

So Tromell and Yuna head over to the temple, and just as Tidus suspected a calamity happens while they are on their way: The Al Bhed show up! What fun! So everyone goes chasing after them, and manages to catch up just as Yuna was surounded. For some strange reason the Al Bhed back off, which is then explained when a rather large and frightening Machina shows up. Also some weirdo in suspenders shows up too.

Rikku: Oh damnit! It's my aptly named brother, Brother. Someone get the lightning shield!

Brother: MUM, huf oui Yevon vuumc kad du dycda uin yfacusa fnydr! Ku Crawler! Fuf, E luimt ryja druikrd uv y paddan hysa. Yhofyo, ouin bnaleuic magics yht aeons yna caymat! MUM!

Rikku: Oh crud. He's gonna cast an anti-magic field on us!!

Yuna: So what? Not like I ever use magic or aeons anyway.

Tidus: Good point. We're fine.

So the group goes charging after the Crawler while Lulu just stands by and sulks. After being on the recieving end of a few rounds of gattling gun fire the group is less than chipper, however.

Tidus: First aid Yuna!!

Yuna: No white magic, remember?

Auron: Someone throw some items around then!

Tidus: Uhh I kinda pawned off all our potions so I could get enough money to pay back all my debts for when I got home.

Auron: Well that's just swell kid. Thanks. You killed us.

Tidus: Don't mention it.

And right at that moment Kain appeard from the sky, shooting right through the Crawler at awesome speeds.

Kain: Fear my leet jumping skills!

Tidus: Oh man it's that jumping weirdo again.

The rest of the FF4 crew shows up.

Tidus: And now we've got the fresh prince themsesong crew, otherwise known as the two knights, the ninja who dies alot, and the two women who can't afford to buy much clothing.

Cecil: Well thanks.

Rosa: You know Rydia he has a point. Here I am going around in a bikini and white cape and your wearing a leotard. What the heck where we thinking? I'm freaking freezing out here for no logical reason.

Rydia: I dunno. It really makes no sense when you get right down to it.

Lulu: Correct. Only black dresses with many many belts are appropriate adventuring atire for mage women.

Cecil: I rather like it...

And then Rydia summoned Bahamut on Cecil, vaporizing him quite effectively, but not killing him.

Tidus: How the hell does that work?

Wakka: Saved you a couple chapters ago when Magus used Dark Matter on you.

Tidus: Oh yeah.

And meanwhile Brother and Rikky were having an argument.

Brother: Rikku oui dnyedun! E's kuhhy damm tytto!

Rikku: Ku yrayt! E's kiyntehk Yuna huf! Cra'c cyva fedr sa! E'mm kiynt ran! Cra'c cyva!

And with that Brother and the rest of the Al Bhed left quite angrily.

Wakka: Hey why are you speaking Al Bhed?

Rikku: Uhh I'm multi-lingual?

Wakka: Oh alright. That's fine.

Auron: Now now Rikku, I think now would be a fine time to open up any cans of worms you happen to be having on you. Better now than later, like once were at the bottom of a lake over a secret any teenaged girls happen to be carrying. Right Yuna?

Yuna: Uhhh... I'm going with Tromell!!

And then they took off.

Rikku: Oh allright. I'm Al Bhed. He was my brother.

Wakka: WTF?! I've been with a heathan all this time!! Completely unacceptable! Unacceptable!

Rikku: Well sorry.

Wakka: You Al Bhed defy the teachings!

Rikku: We have nothing against Yevon! We just want people to think for themselves! Is that so wrong?

Wakka: Yes! That's rule one in the teachings: Nobody in Spira is allowed to think for themselves!

Tidus: What?!

Auron: Don't interupt. I wanna see where this is going.

Rikku: Yevon says this, Yevon says that!

Wakka: Well then, where do you think Sin came from, and how do we stop it?

Rikku: I dunno!

Wakka: See? Pwned! You bad-mouth Yevon and then give me some lame response like that.

Rikku: But if we don't do something, nothing will ever change!

Wakka: That's rule number two in the teachings: change is bad!

Rikku: And what's rule number three? That life isn't valuable?

Wakka: No. That's rule number four. Rule number three is death is preferable, and five is Machina are bad.

Tidus: I'm starting to notice fundamental flaws in the teachings every new day.

Auron: Guess what kid? Everyone with a brain does. That would be why Wakka's missed them. Hey Rikku, will these sleds move?

Rikku: Ha! Sir Auron thinks Machina are useful!

Wakka: What?! Are you Al Bhed too Sir Auron?!

Auron: Would it matter?

Auron gave Wakka a long hard glare that told him quite plainly, that if he did have trouble with it, he'd soon find himself buried up-side down in the snow with his legs poking out at odd angles.

Tidus: Wakka, is this your time of the month or something? Just get over it! It's not like Rikku's changed as a person lately!

Wakka: Yes she has! Rule number six is that all people who turn out to be Al Bhed undergo massive changes within the hour!

Tidus and Auron had finally had enough by then, so they buried Wakka up-side down in the snow with his legs poking out at odd angles. Then everyone else got on the moter skies and headed off toward the temple.

Cecil: Uhm so what about us?

Kain: I think Plasma Knight forgot we were here.

Plasma Knight: No I didn't!

Plasma Knight and Dark Magician Girl come walking into view.

Edge: Really?

Plasma Knight: Meh, yeah I did.

So the group arrived at the temple...

Tidus: Wait! Who did I ride with?!

Plasma Knight: Nobody. This is called abridging. Were skipping that useless scene.

Tidus: You can't abridge anything, because then people will compensate for their small goodies by flagging your youtube video, or in this case story, for copyright violation!

Plasma Knight: Screw the flaggers, I have money!

* * *

**Macalania Temple**

The group marched toward the entrance but were stopped by a priest.

Priest: Your kind arn't welcome here!

Tidus: What?

Priest: The Al Bhed! She can't come in here, they don't want them here!

Tidus: Wow. Took Wakka several chapters to figure out that.

Lulu: What can I say? He's stupid.

Auron: We already burried Wakka upside down in the side for being stupid. Now do you want to be burried upside down in the ice for being stupid?

Priest: Did Ma Su want to be executed when he stupidly took position on a mountain?

Auron: But did Zhuge Liang want to die in the middle of an important battle and basically cause Shu's defeat?

Tidus: Wait when did this get into Three Kingdoms stuff?

Khimari: I propose we bury him in a inversed fashion in the hoarfrost with his legs pointing at abnormal angles!

Tidus: Excellent plan!

So they buried him in an inversed fashion in the hoarfrost with his legs pointing at abnormal angles. Then they went inside.

* * *

And the chapters over. I was so into my new story I forgot this one! I'll try not to let it happen again. 


	25. Kill Seymour: Volume 1

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 25: This is EXCACTLY what happens when teenaged girls keep secrets!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Macalania Temple:**

The group files into the temple.

Tidus: So what now?

Auron: Now we wait like good little servants while Yuna decides how she's gonna ruin us. Rather similar to what Liu Bei did to Shu after Guan Yu died.

Lulu: Naaahhh. It was Zhuge Liang's fault Shu fell. Getting sick, what a whimp!

Tidus: Aww but waiting is so boring! Can't a scandal come out or something now?

Wakka: Don't be a fool! Why would Lord Seymour be involved in a scandal?

Auron: I wonder why...

Suddenly a scream alerts the group. A priestess comes rushing out of a room and sinks to her knees with her head in an awkward position.

Tidus: Your going to damage your neck and back that way.

Priestess: The lady Yuna had a severely incriminating sphere in her belongings!

Lulu: Why were you looking through her belongings?

The priestess hurredly shoved a few of Yuna's panties she stole out of sight.

Priestess: Just go look at the sphere damnit!

So they do. Out comes an image of Jyscal Guado.

Jyscal: Testing! Testing! Is this thing on! Do you read me?! Alright. Now listen up, because I'm gonna rat my son out here. He's evil. He freaking killed me over a grudge! Just because I banished him and his mother to a deserted island with perpetual rain. Talk about petty. If he's not stopped he's gonna blast Spira to smitherenes more than it does itself on a daily basis! If your reading me, stop him damnit! Corner him in a dark ally and knife him! Don't try and bring him to justice damnit! There's no justice in Spira! And DEFINATELY don't marry him! He took wife treating lessons left down by Cao Pi so just kill him damnit!

Auron: Well there it is. Yuna's an idiot.

Tidus: What's wrong with Cao Pi?

Auron: Well first he was arrogent. Second he didn't really do anything. And in this case he forced his wife to commit suicide.

Tidus: Ouch. What now?

Auron: We do what we should have done from the start! Lock and load gentlemen, and Lulu!

Auron charges out of the room. Everyone follows into the main room where they force their way through the guard and into the antechamber. Tidus comes rushing up.

Tidus: Yuna!!

Seymour: Shut up whelp. Yuna's praying to the faith.

Tidus: Make me!

Seymour turns around... menacingly! Just then Yuna comes out.

Yuna: Why?!

Lulu: Why what?

Yuna: Why are you ruining my rich marriage by attacking my fiance?!

Lulu: She guesses our actions fast, but not Seymour's...

Auron: Because he's evil! If Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhes got married and had a baby, he would be the baby!

Tidus: Freddy would never marry Jason! Besides, Freddy's already married... to his job.

_Shamelessly stolen from Yu-gi-oh the abridged series BTW._

Yuna: Alright I instantly decide to join you.

Yuna sneaks back over to the team's side while Seymour doesn't do anything about it.

Seymour: Damn that fast hussy! So now Yuna, what are you trying to pull anyway?

Yuna: I came to stop you!

Seymour: Oh. You came to _punish _me then.

Tidus: Why'd he bother changing one word anyway?

Auron: Who knows. There's emphasis on the change though for some reason.

Seymour: Alright suckers. If you wanna die, I'll go ahead and kill you. See you in hell!

Wakka: NOOO!!! We can't fight a Maester! We must stop lord Seymour!

Seymour: Shut up fool. I've wanted to kill you in particular for much too long for your idiotic blind faith.

Tidus: Seymour, I've known you were bad news from the first day we met!

Seymour: And this revelation hurts me why?

Yuna: I'm gonna kill you Seymour! And after that I'll forge your will so I get all your money!

Seymour: Your eyes, burn with resolve! Beautiful!

Yuna: Perv!

And for some strange reason the ones who talked gained stat upgrades for some reason. Anyway Seymour began to cycle through a series of spells in an evil attempt to destroy his enemies.

Auron: Alright. I'm going to attack.

Suddenly one of Seymour's Guado lackies ran in front of him and stands there. Auron for some reason decided to attack the Guado instead. The Guado ran back and threw a potion on himself, recovering the injury.

Tidus: Why didn't you attack Seymour instead? And why'd you say your going to attack?

Auron: I can't help it! It's like there's some otherworldly force I'll call the "Game Engine" that wants me to die and forces me to attack the wrong target!

Tidus: Well I'll prove there's no such otherworldly force.

Tidus attempts to attack the same, only to be driven to attack the Guado instead of Seymour, proving there really IS an otherworldly force that just hates logic.

Tidus: Well what now? They keep healing the beatings we give them! It's like some otherworldly organization I'll call the "Game Designers" wanted us to actually THINK of a way to attack rather than swing wildly!

Auron: NO! Swinging wildly has never failed us yet! We can't give up! Keep attacking without planning!

So the group just beats against Seymour's defences for an hour. Not even Yuna's guns can penetrate the evil of the "Game Engine" forcing them to attack the Guado's instead.

Seymour: I think I'll kill you all now!

Tidus: Yuna I'm beggining to notice a pattern.

Yuna: What?

Tidus: His spells are powerful but they have one major weakness!

Yuna: What's that?

Tidus: He follows a cycle! Cast your nul-elemental spells in the same cycle so we can try and hit his weak point for MASSIVE DAMAGE!

So Yuna began to mimic Seymour's cycle, only with anti-spells.

Seymour: No! I want to change my order, but it's like some otherworldly force won't let me! Curse your Dan Green!

Auron: It's like they say: The mind will vanquish the sword. Time to plan.

Tidus: We have three options:

1.We can perform an overdrive which over-rides the Guado's getting in our way.

2. We can steal their potions, kill them, and then kill Seymour.

3. We can petrify the Guado's in some way and kill them immediately.

The group plans things over for a while.

Auron: Ahh hell, I'll just give 'em a mind crush!

So Auron destroys the Guado's brains with magical powers.

Tidus: How the hell did you do that?

Auron: I stole a pyramid-shaped puzzle with a silly eye on it from a kid with crazy pointy hair. Ever since then I've realized I can blow up people's minds if I want to.

Rikku: But anyway with those Guado gone we can shaky-shake on over to Seymour and totally knife him!

Tidus: You want us to dance over to Seymour?

Rikku: No! Shaky-shake means "go over" but in a much more stupid way!

Yuna: Seymour! It's time to get your money!

Seymour: Ha! This Overlord won't just role over and die! Come Anima! Make them bleed!

A giant fishing hook then drops from the sky, taking out the roof BTW, and pulls Anima out of a crazy dark vortex.

Tidus: Were f'ed!

Auron: Wait! Maybe Anima will follow a stupid cycle as well!

And it turned out Anima did. It always charged and then shot death rays out of it's eye.

Tidus: That's a crazy eye it has. Did it steal that eye from Tsubaki of Inuyasha or something?

Auron: Forget the eye kid, if that Aeon uses it's overdrive we'll be quite dead.

Wakka: I know what to do!

Wakka kicks his blitzball at Anima, causing it to ricochet and hit him in the head.

Wakka: Touchdown!

Tidus: Any _good _plans??

At that moment Tifa Lockheart walks in.

Tifa: Oh this isn't the ladies room is it?

Seymour: Now Anima! Vaporize them, but save that hussy for me!

Tifa: Hussy? I won't take that from a guy with his gut hanging out! Dolphin Blow!

Tidus: Ooh this'll be good.

Tifa takes a dolphin from out of hammerspace and slaps Anima across the face with it, promptly killing it.

Tidus: Why are attacks always taken literally in this story?

Seymour: No! No! Say it isn't so! That hussy killed my poor Anima!

Tidus: By all acounts it should have killed us by breathing on us.

Auron: But good thing it didn't.

Seymour: Well I'm not done yet!

Auron: Oh just die you fruit.

Auron walks up and delivers the final blow on Seymour, finally ending his life.

Tidus: Well that was a challenging boss, but luckily the chances of us fighting him again are remote. Nope, we'll NEVER see him again!

Yuna walks over to Seymour and begins to search him.

Yuna: Will, will, will... oh come on! Who doesn't carry their last will and testaments with them in Spira?!

Suddenly Tromell and some Guados show up.

Tromell: Oh dear you are in trouble.

The guados take Seymour's body away (the party doesn't do a thing to stop this BTW).

Tromell: Have a fun death!

Tromell leaves.

Tidus: Soo... why didn't we just kill them too to cover it up?

Auron: Who the hell knows?

Wakka: Oh my god! I'm a traitor! Oh well. Time to change my religion. Jediism sounds good.

Tidus: That was just weird Wakka.

Lulu: Didn't you know Yevon was Wakka's fifth fake religion he's joined in his life?

Auron: Some people. Well time to leave.

Tidus: Oh I'm sure it'll be a breeze.

So the group tries to leave only for the cloister of trials to activate. Looks like their leaving won't be a breeze after all! Meanwhile Tifa continued searching for the ladies room. After the group eventually managed to navigate the cloister of trials, in which everyone recieved a complimentery "I went to Seaworld!" t-shirt with cute dolphins jumping gleefully out of water on the front, they arrived in the front room, where a whole batallion of Guados were waiting.

Tidus: Hey! Seymour's evil! Just watch that incriminating sphere!

Tromell: Oh this?

Tromell raises it high in the air, and it explodes.

Tidus: What the hell?

_Guado are apparently capable of making spheres blow up._

Auron: Your not going to let us go!

Tromell: Oh Seymour would be quite angry if we did. He'd get so angry he'd have to kill us! LOL!

Tidus: Let's get the hell out of here!

So the gang pushes through and flees. On the way, several Guado catch up with them, but this time swinging wildly actually worked. Before long the group SEEMED to escape but then a giant yeti showed up! Oh noes!

* * *

Well I finally reached and wrote the first Seymour battle! Three more to go... oh well, read and review PLEASE! 


	26. Seymour's evil council of doom

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 26: Seymour's evil council of doom.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Macalania Lake:**

And so the group was facing down the Yeti. And his buddies, a pair of Guado. Why the violent yeti wasn't trying to kill_ them, _nobody dared to imagine. Because logic hurts in Spira.

Tidus: Alright guys! It's time to go on the assault! Charge!

So the group began to attack the Yeti. His Guado buddies died shortly. And then the real fight began, as the party fought back and forth in a good old fashioned slug fest unmatched outside of the Gold Dragon fight in FF6 advanced, the Dragon's den version mind you. Because the Kefka's tower version was simply silly and pathetic. Anyway the slug fest continued, carrying into one THE boringest (is that even a word?) boss fight to be heard of in FF10. I'm not even gonna try and squeeze any more humor into how this fight really goes, because it's so damned BORING. It's just hit, hit, hit, and heal once in a while. Protect helps I suppose. Anyway I've digressed.

And then Mog came out.

Mog: Umaro! What are you doing there!

Tidus: Wait, this Yeti's Umaro?

Auron: Evidently yes.

Yuna: Now I just feel silly.

Tidus: Let's get out of here before it gets worse! Quickly!

Auron: Carving a whole in the ice sounds good!

So they do. Auron and Tidus carve a whole in the ice as quickly as they could, ignoring the fact they would fall in the hole. Oops, poor them!

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

The newly unsent Seymour is now presiding over the greatest assemblage (I'm shocked I spelled that word right in my first attempt.) of Final Fantasy villains EVER seen.

Seymour: I am now presiding over the greatest assemblage of Final Fantasy villains EVER seen. EVIL ROLL CALL! Golbez!

Golbez: (Maniacal laughter)

Seymour: Ex-Death!

Ex-Death: Money, Women, Alchohol!

Seymour: Kefka!

Kefka: Hello cowering mortals!

Seymour: Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: I shall become one with the planet!

Kefka: Mama's boy!

Sephiroth: (Disgraced)

Seymour: Now now gentlemen. Save the villainous behavoir for our enemies now. And besides me, the last member is Vayne Solidor!

Vayne: Hello fellow villains.

Kefka: Wait, what's Vayne doing here? He's not even a proper villain!

Vayne: Of course I am! I killed my brothers and father, destroyed one kingdom and took over another, I stole a princess' throne, and nearly crushed a rebelion.

Kefka: And you manipulated events that lead to the stealing of control of the world away from tyrannical gods. The Occuria were the villains of FF12. You just happened to get in the way.

Vayne: But all the evil I did!

Sephiroth: I tried to blow up the world.

Kefka: I got farther than him actually.

Golbez: I was supposively only a puppet, but in actuality I was still evil. I wanted power just for the sake of having it.

Ex-Death: Void, Death, Chaos!

Seymour: I'm trying to seduce a teenaged girl and destroy my own world.

Kefka: The best you've got under your belt is dethroning a bitch of a princess, taking out a kingdom who's soldiers leave their crotches and chests practically exposed, killing a gullible king, killing your own family (which most of us have also done) and blowing up another kingdom. Your more of an anti-hero! The worst kind of villain!

Vayne: I suppose your right then. I'll leave.

Golbez: Now that I think about it, people are missing. Where's the villains of FF1-3 and 8 and 9?

Seymour: I didn't invite them. They're weird.

Sephiroth: So we agree.

Meanwhile...

Garland: That bastard Seymour started an evil council without us! We won't stand for this!

The Emperor: That's right boss, how could he be so mean!

Ultimacia: You said it! We'll be much more villainous!

Cloud of Darkness: We'll destroy them all!

Kuja: Cool there's a chick in here!

Garland: Put some damn clothes on man!

And back to Seymour's council.

Seymour: Here's the plan. None of our evil goals seem to ever work. Therefore we all work together in our goals.

Kefka: Excellent. Let's go kill Terra and her company now!

Exdeath: MASSACRE!!! BWA HA HA HA!!!

Sephiroth: I seek the power of the gods. I need assistance first.

Golbez: I seriously need some revenge on Cecil.

Seymour: Silence! I brought this evil council together, so I choose our first directive. I want you all to go out and kill my enemies! Once my plans run succesful, we'll go on with all of yours.

Suddenly Nooj walks in.

Golbez: Who's the guy with the fake leg?

Nooj: I do NOT have a fake leg, and I'm also not Nooj. I'm Shuyin remember? I possessed Nooj quite a few chapters ago and then vanished? I think Plasma Knight forgot about me for a while even.

Plasma: Did not!

Kefka: What's he doing here?

Plasma: I'm here for the free tacos.

Seymour: There are no free tacos.

Plasma: Damnit! Well in that case I'm going over to Garland's council. He's giving away free pizza. Pizza's better than Tacos!

Dartz: I must agree.

Seymore: Look will you guys just get out of here?!?

Plasma: Fine. Would you mind getting the door for us on the way out Dark Magician Girl?

DMG: giggles

Plasma: Thank you.

So they leave.

Sephiroth: What do you want anyway Shuyin? This is a private party and your not invited.

Seymour: No I actually invited him too.

Kefka: For why though?

Seymour: You'll see.

* * *

**Macalania Lake Bed:**

Tidus:_ Praise be to Yevon, I would be saying. Except Yevon sucks, so I won't say it, boo-yah!_

Tidus woke up to find himself at the bottom of the lake, with everyone else. He had to wonder though why they called it a lake when in reality it was a thick sheet of ice hanging several kilometers high over a one foot pool of water with several crappy ruins on it. Ignoring this all, he spoke with Lulu.

Lulu: Were under the lake ice right?

Tidus: -points upward- yeah, you can see the ice up there can't you?

Lulu: Look it's the temple.

Tidus: You had your answer before you asked the question. My question: Why ask?

Lulu: I dunno. We've fallen a long way though. By all accounts we should be dead.

Tidus ignored her and sauntered over to Auron next.

Auron: What now I wonder.

Tidus: What you don't have any plans? You should think before you act.

Auron: Kid, your suggestion is well said, but only if you were talking to that bitch laying over there. It's her fault were down here, not mine.

Tidus: Good point. I'll go gripe to her instead.

Auron: Good boy.

Next Tidus walked over to Wakka.

Wakka: Alright as soon as we get out of this hole, I'm gonna get my lightsaber and become a Jedi!

Tidus: I don't think real Jedi use Lightsabers. They just practice their code.

Wakka: Hey, I'm the Jedi Master here, simmer down Padawan.

Tidus: That's it. Wakka's getting a security beating once I find a new security squadron.

Tidus finally talked to Rikku.

Rikku: I think Yunie's alright, she's breathing fine.

Tidus: Good. I don't want her to die before I get the chance to chew her out.

Rikku: How are Lulu and Wakka?

Tidus: No different from normal.

Rikku: Lulu's so mature. I wish I could be too. Well give me five or six more years.

Tidus: Not likely. Try twenty or thirty. So Khimari how we getting out of here?

Khimari: Were going to scale the walls of this shoddy lake until we breach the surface.

Tidus: WHAT?! That thing's miles high!!

Rikku: Hey don't change the subject!

Khimari: Look, if you wish to be mature like Lulu, ACT like it!

Rikku: Oh I will!

Khimari: But you should really be yourself.

Rikku: Why are you giving me contradicting advice??

Khimari: Because I enjoy screwing with you.

Rikku: Big meanie!

Yuna at this point wakes up and begins to explain herself.

Yuna: Basically I wanted to bring that sucker to justice, and get his money at the same time. Guess I should have told you all?

Auron: No shit. Nice deduction there smart one.

Yuna: I was willing to marry him to get him to turn himself in.

Tidus: You thought that would work?!

Yuna: Yup.

Tidus: How the hell did you ever become a summoner if your this stupid?!

Lulu: Oh Summoners aren't taught common sense. If they did, nobody would be a summoner.

Auron: Alright kid. I think she's had enough. Willing to go on then dumbie?

Yuna: Yup.

Wakka: How can we if were traitors?

Auron: It's the Fayth that give power to the summoners, not the temples. If we must defy Yevon, we will. Time to lock and load Gentlemen! And Ladies!

Tidus: How the hell can we fight Yevon when it's just the seven of us?

Auron: Don't rain on my parade here kid.

Yuna: Maybe if we talked with Maester Mika?

Auron: Oh yes, talking with Maester Seymour resulted in us killing him. Maybe we can knock off another one? Maybe we should find Kinoc and Kelk and "talk" with them afterward? Yuna, were not going anywhere NEAR Bevelle. Were going straight to Gagazet, got it?

Yuna: Aww.

At this point Tidus notices the Hymm of the Fayth.

Tidus: Hey where's the music coming from?

Yuna: The temple. They say it soothes the hearts of the faithful.

Tidus: Oooh.

Next he talked to Auron again.

Auron: Jecht sang this song a lot.

Tidus: Sucked at it though.

Auron: Guess what Kid? So did you.

Tidus: Aww.

Auron: All that endless singing reminded me of Spira.

Tidus: Oh yeah you weren't from Zanarkand. Did you miss Spira?

Auron: Why would I? Spira sucks. Back in Zanarkand, I could drink myself stupid every day, and it didn't really matter that I fell off building frequently, since I'm already dead and all.

Tidus: What?!

Auron: Err uh... dead... bored of being down here! Maybe we should get climbing?

Tidus: Rikku and Lulu goes first.

Auron: Why?

Tidus: So I can look at their butts.

Auron: What about Yuna?

Tidus: She goes last so all the debris we shift loose from climbing has the best chance of hitting her. I'm still sore about her getting us down here.

Auron: Good kid.

Tidus: Well I'm done talking with everyone. Let's get out already!

Yuna: Hey, the music stopped.

Auron: Oh no. When the hymn of the fayth ends, it can only mean Sin is close.

Tidus: Why?

Auron: I have no idea.

Everyone looked around to notice Sin floaing around nearby.

Auron: Aww crap. Were fucked!

Everything started going all crazy.

Lulu: Careful not to get mind-raped by the toxin!!

Tidus: Oh Sin's not poisonous.

Wakka: Besides, The Force will guide us through any mind-raping toxins Sin happens to have, Ya?

And then everyone blacked out...

* * *

Yeah I've been gone for a while. But still the story goes on! Just very very slowly. I hope you'll understand, and if not... LOL I don't care! Anyway review again please. Man I'm glad I'm through this section of the game; it's boring.

* * *


	27. The burning sands of DEATH

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 27: The burning sands of DEATH!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Chapter 27 incoming! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Bikanel Desert:**

_Bikanel Island: Considering this desert is home to sentient cactuars that are apparently capable of speech that only one person is capable of understanding, rogue machina, evil needle-spewing cactuars that break the damage limit, big evil cactuars that apparently can only speed up themselves and their smaller buddies, giant worms, and a ginormous fiend capable of reducing life to ash by staring at it, and lasts over an hour to kill, you gotta wonder what Cid was thinking when he decided to stick a flag in the highest mound of sand he saw here and proclaiming in a loud voice: "I claim this land in the name of England! Oops, oh I mean in the name of the Al Bhed!"_

_Tidas: I think I've finally accepted Sin's my old man. Now I need a new man... And then an average-aged one. And then a semi-old kinda new one. And then a kinda average, semi-old sorta new maybe senile one. Ouch, thinking hurts. _

So after an elongated and very psychedelic look into Sin's mind, Tidus found himself floating in an oasis.

Tidus: Why does it seem every time Dad eats me I end up face-down in some body of water? And better yet, since this body of water isn't connected to a larger one, how'd he send me here?

_How Tidus and the crew ended up on Bikanel is explained very simply: Sin propped himself up on the Bikanel shore and shot them all out of his mouth like a massive, gravity creating cannon. Therefore, Tidus was lucky he didn't end up upside-down in the desert._

So Tidus decided to explore. And then he fond a Zu. And no, it's no Yuanda Zu, the paraplegic old man Ryo Hazuki spent many months of his young life looking for in the Shenmue series, but a massive evil vulture of doom!

Tidus: Wahh! Security!

The Zu flew forward and pecked at Tidus, critically wounding him.

Tidus: Alright, somebody, time to help me!

Meanwhile, several miles away...

Auron: Alright Lulu, before we go any further, take your dress off.

Lulu: Why sir Auron?

Auron: Lulu, your boyfriend died. I've been alone all my life. I need a woman too. Now take it off!

Lulu: I think I can hear the new kid screaming for help.

Auron: Oh cool. Let's let him die. He's been getting on my nerves.

Lulu: Mine too.

Just before the Zu flew in to finish Tidus off, Cecil appeared out from nowhere to save him!

Tidus: Why are you here again?

Cecil: Edge here thought this would be a good place to try and find Golbez.

Kain: Another mistake Edge. Clearly you don't deserve Rydia.

Rydia: Yeah that's right.

Kain: Clearly only I do.

Rydia: Don't push it Kain.

Rosa: And I find myself having to revive you too often.

Edge: Aww.

Cecil: You are officially fired. Bring in the replacement Ninja!

Kain: We don't have any replacement Ninja.

Cecil: Well crap. Hey Plasma Knight, could you whip us up a new Ninja?

Plasma Knight: Only of Kain stops trying to steal DMG from me.

Cecil: He'll stop.

Kain: Only maybe.

Plasma Knight: Good enough.

Suddenly dramatice organ music starts playing as Orochimaru wanders onto the scene.

Cecil: Who's he?

Orochimaru: I'm an evil S-rank criminal missing-nin from the Village Hidden in the Leaves. I'm responsible for the death of numorous adolescent boys and a few girls, the majority of which were my own trusted minions who placed their complete faith in me. I assume they were mistaken. I'm also responsible for the death of an old man. I can spit out new bodies, claim other people's bodies, and I can bit people to place cursed seals that kill you nine times out of ten, but power you up at the cost of you looking really stupid if you survive.

Kain: Cool. Can we keep him?

Rydia: He's kinda creepy.

Orochimaru: I can summon giant snakes.

Kain: Cool.

Cecil: Wait, why would a criminal wanna come with us?

Orochimaru: Good point. I have no reason to follow you.

Rosa: Oh darnit.

Orochimaru leaves.

Kain: Deal's off Plasma.

Plasma: I only said I'd bring him out. I didn't say anything about convincing him to join you.

Rydia: He has a point.

Cecil: So... I guess Edge can stay.

Kain: Hey where'd that whiny guy go?

Rydia: He left ages ago.

And so Tidus had. Before long he encountered Lulu and Auron, who was still demanding Lulu take her dress off.

Tidus: Hey, where is everyone?

Lulu: Dunno. But if we get seperated were supposed to not move.

Tidus: If nobody tries to find anybody, then how the hell are we supposed to find each other?!

Auron: He has a point. We search.

Tidus: Good enough.

So they searched. They found Wakka trying to meditate.

Tidus: Hey Wakka.

Wakka: I've been trying to find Yuna through The Force, but no luck. This place must have been touched by war. Or dense with life. That's the only logical explanation of The Force failing me.

Tidus: Oh well, we'll find Yuna some way.

Wakka: Indeed. May The Force be with us, Ya?

Continuing on the group encountered Kimahri, trying and constantly failing to walk up a sandy hill.

Tidus: Uhm, Kimahri, I thought you were smart? You'll never climb it like that.

Kimahri: Oh, just because my vocabulary is ways and above expanded over yours doesn't indicate above normal comprehension of reason and fact.

Tidus: Huh?

Kimahri: In any event, Yuna is not in the immediate vicinity. We must perform a higher scan of the area!

And so continuing on the group finally found Rikku.

Rikku: Hey guys! Where's Yunie!

Lulu: Ironically, the person we have yet to find, is also the one who is most important.

Rikku: Ouch. Hmm I have something I could tell you, but don't tell anyone. I'm talking to you especially Wakka.

Wakka: Oh I'm not a Yevonite anymore, remember? I'm a Jedi now, and they practice pacifism and tolerance. We Jedi are ways and above better than Yevonites, as we don't hate on Al Bhed just because their Al Bhed, ya?

Tidus: I think I'm going to like the new Jedi Wakka.

Rikku: Were on Bikanel Island! There's a place we Al Bhed call Home near here!

Auron: So... is it called Home, or is it your home?

Rikku: Uhm... I'm not sure! Anyway, other Al Bhed probably found her and took her there!

Tidus: So let's go pick her up then!

Rikku: Sure, but you can't tell anyone, especially not Yevonites. You know how they hate us Al Bhed? They'd probably try to blast us into oblivion if they knew we were here!

Wakka: Perhaps you should try and see the situation from their perspective ya? One sided views breeds Ignorance. And as the Jedi Code says: There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge.

Rikku: But they did something really bad to us!

Auron: What's this "really bad" thing?

Rikku: Uhmmm I can't tell you! It's classified!

Auron: So, in other words, you guys just like being stubborn. You might all have issues with authority. Therefore: The entire Al Bhed race are teenagers who deserve punishment.

Rikku: Heh heh, maaaaybe.

So the group moved out, following Rikku's directions. Surely they were safe. There was no way a local could lead them astray.

Rikku: Oops, I'm lost.

Group: (Collective groans.)

Tidus: Damnit Rikku, your fired! You don't get to lead groups anymore!

Rikku: Aww!

And so the group moved out, this time with Tidus leading the way. And then they encountered the Cactuar.

Rikku: Hey it's prickly again!

Cactuar: (Ten-thousand needles)

And so the Cactuar shot ten thousand needles into Rikku, and then ran.

Auron: By all accounts, after being on the receiving end of an attack that breaks the damage limit, she should be beyond the healing powers of a phoenix down.

Lulu: Thank Yevon Spira doesn't follow logic very well.

Auron: Amen sister.

So they revived her with a phoenix down and moved on. Their path was slowed, for every time they met up with a sand worm, it meant a whole damn hour of battling before the damn thing keeled over. But still they pressed on, even when the evil confusion-spewing sand-trap plant thingies that I hate so very much appeared. But still they pressed on, until they noticed a fairly decent amount of fighting going on at a large structure up ahead.

Rikku: Aww no. Yevon's blasting us into oblivion, just like I said.

Auron: Now I just feel silly.

So they ran up to Home, where they say some unlucky Al Bhed man get mowed down by some ginormous twin-horned... demon fiend thingie...

Rikku: Keyaku! Nooooes!

Lulu: Who's that guy?

Rikku: It's random Al Bhed 123! We just decided to give him a name! And he went and got himself killed. How shameful to the ones who didn't get named.

At that point a man wearing mostly yellow walks into view.

Tidus: No leader of a society should wear that much yellow.

Cid: Who are you? Friends of Rikku? Well then help us nail those Guado!

Auron: Let's gas em!

Tidus: That probably won't work Auron.

Auron: Ahh well. In that case remember this: Gassing fixes most infestations. Especially simian ones.

Rikku: Who could bring themselves to gas monkeys?

Cid: Uh guys? We got an invasion to thwart?

Tidus: Oh yeah. Move out guys!

So they moved out. It seemed that within seconds Cid suddenly lost his drive to retake Home and just decided to give up. So he spoke up over the comm.

Cid: Rikku, get underground!

Tidus: Wait, we haven't even started yet and he's giving up??

Auron: Quitter.

Wakka: Where's Yuna, ya?

Rikku: The Summoners Sanctum!

So the group moves on trying to find it, only for Rikku to become depressed again by the flurry of destruction in Home.

Wakka: This place is done for. It's like trying to complete Descent into Darkness for Naruto Arena, and already winning five straight battles and having your final opponent use Zabuza and some other chumps, and then you get nothing but Bloodline Chakra and Genjutsu Chakra, so your Team 7 team just sits there taking hits until you lose in the worst way possible.

Plasma: It happened. And I hated it. You can't say "Random" without saying "Dumb" and getting only the same two chakra over the course of seven-odd turns when each chakra has 25 chance and you get one a turn for each person are pretty damn LONG odds.

Rikku: Your right. Sin destroyed the island where we used to live...

Auron: Maybe living close to bodies of water is a bad idea when there's a giant whale that controls gravity on the loose? Hmm?

Rikku: Well anyway we were scattered to every corner of Spira...

Tidus: Spira doesn't have corners. It's a sphere, not a cube.

Rikku: My dad brought all the Al Bhed back together. We rebuilt our home here.

Tidus: Wait, you said Yevon destroyed the island you used to live on earlier this chapter, but now it's Sin that did it?

Rikku: Yup.

Tidus: Story-changer...

Wakka: What could those Guado be thinking?!

Auron: Easy: Kill all the Al Bhed.

Lulu: So, what's this summoner's sanctum?

Tidus: Well gee Lulu, it's probably the bathroom.

Wakka: You kidnapped them.

Rikku: I know it's against the teachings and...

Wakka: Oh I understand why.

Tidus: Well I sure don't. Maybe you guys wanna keep the summoners safe, but just leave that to the guardians alright? There's no need to kidnap people, especially not Yuna. She gets dangerous when she's mad. Besides, if Summoner's don't do their jobs, Sin gets off scott-free. If Guardians do their job Summoners will be safe right?

No response.

Tidus: RIGHT?!

Auron: Kid, why are you taking the kidnapping so personally?

Tidus: I dunno, lol.

Total silence.

Khimari: Hmmm... well this is uncomfortable. I'm gonna wait outside.

The group begins to walk in slow motion into the next room, leaving Tidus alone.

Tidus: Wow, something dramatic must be about to happen, why else would they be walking in slow-motion?

Tidus follows.

Rikku: Yunie, please be here!

* * *

Well next comes the most cry-baby moment for Tidus in the game. 

(sarcastically) Can't wait.


	28. Tidus' emo moment

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 28: Tidus finally wises up.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Yeah it's been a while. I finally noticed I haven't updated in a while so I'm back!

And to readers of A Journey through light and darkness, I'm up chapter 11 on volume two, so I'll probably start it in the next couple of weeks.

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Summoner's Sanctum:**

The group finally arrives in the sanctum of summoners.

Khimahri: Yuna! Please be present at this location!

Dona: She's not here. And I don't care either. Go bugger off while Isaaru and I send these dead guys.

Isaaru: They died protecting us. We'll send them like good slaves of an evil bug.

Auron: Wait, the Guado actually tried to kill you?

Isaaru: No not really. But it seems cooler saying they didn't just get killed by a few fiends that are strangely not around when you arrived.

Pacce walks over to Tidus

Pacce: Hey, I'm here to open up a can of worms! What does Sacrificed means?

Tidus: It means you give something up for something else. What does that have to do with anything? But anyway, back to my rant, why'd the Al bhed stop the pilgrimages? That's so rude!

Auron: Kid, your taking this too personally.

Tidus: Shut up Auron! I'm having an emo moment here!

Auron: Just wait. It's gonna get worse in a few seconds.

Rikku: The pilgrimages have to stop! If Yunie gets the Final summon... she could defeat sin... she could... The final summon could do it you know... but you know... you know what happens after that...

Auron bonks Rikku on the head.

Auron: Time's up Rikku. If Yuna calls up the Final Aeon like a good naive bitch, she'll die. It'll kill her once it kills Sin.

Lulu: No, what actually happens is the bond between the summoner and aeon breaks, and the summoner loses their life with it.

Auron: Well that make no f'ing sense. Why not just keep it easy and say the Aeon kills them?

Tidus: Wait a tic', am I the only one who was in the dark? Why didn't you tell me?! Why were you hiding it!!

Wakka: We weren't hiding it. We were just keeping it in the shadows, dancing it around you with vague hints until you caught on!

Tidus: That's hiding it damit! -Tidus kneels down on the ground in his pissy mood- Lulu, how could! I thought she was like a sister to you! Why Wakka? Why didn't you stop her?! Rikku, isn't she your cousin?! Auron, isn't she your old friends daughter?!

Auron: Yeah, so what? I'm old and easily irritated by the young. Less of them makes me happier, but I'm easily annoyed and grumpy in my old age.

Lulu: We tried to stop her, but you know what she's like! She wanted to be a famous martyr throughout history!

Wakka: Yeah, Yuna knew what she was doing when she took the job!

Rikku: And you saw how long it took me to break the truth to you! If I tried to talk her out of it, she'd get bored and walk off to do something else!

Tidus: You guys suck!

Umaro suddenly shows up again.

Dona: But that's our choice. We all live in fear of Sin.

Isaaru: So, if it means throwing away our lives, well damn it, we'll do it!

Ifrit and Valefor suddenly appear and kill Umaro. None of the players of FF6 shed a tear at his loss, not even me. Tidus runs over to Valefor and begins beating on her chest. Yes, I used female pronouns. Valefor has boobs, see? She's a girl.

Tidus: And I kept saying all those dumb things! Like "lets pwn Sin!" or "Let's go to Zanarkand!" and she was grieving inside over my foolish proddings! I feel so bad!

Valefor: That's well and good, but abusing me won't fix that.

Tidus: Shut up Valefor! I need something to vent on! Just be glad I'm not grabbing your chest while I'm at it!

Auron: Correct kid, you made Yuna sad. Now let's go.

The group leaves. Tidus eventually follows, and the group arrives in a giant hanger, in which is some mechanical monstrosity. They enter the bride of the airship Fahrenheit. Wait a minute, there's (F) in this game, and Celsius (C) in the next, is there's going to be an airship Kelvin in a later FFX? Oh but that sounds stupid.

* * *

**Airship Kelvin. OOPs I mean Fahrenheit. Told you it sounded dumb:**

The group arrives.

Tidus: Where the fuck is Yuna?!

Cid: Hu desa! ku ku ku!

Tidus: Oh no. Not this again!

Al bhed 1: Rao, E druikrd fa fana kuhhy ica Setzer's Blackjack?

Al bhed 2: Fa kud ehdu y makym eccia fedr res. Drah Cid taletat ra fyhdat drec cdibetmo hysat Airship.

Tidus: Answer me damn you! Where is she?!

Cid: And what happens when you find her?

Tidus: I said a bunch of damn stupid things to her, so I'm going to tell her I'm sorry. And then were going to go to Zanarkand together, and dammit, I'm doing it again!

Cid: That's it?! Your gonna say sorry, and then your gonna drag her off to Zanarkand?! Oh yeah, let the summoner die so we can live!

Cid hurls Tidus overhead, flooring him on the... well... floor.

Tidus: No! I won't let her die!

Cid: Hah words! Actions speak louder!

Tidus: She won't die!

Cid: Well, don't forget those words... because if you do... I'll make you regret it...

Tidus: Ooh very threatening, Mr. Yellow! So where is she?!

Cid: I dunno. Were gonna look with this airship!

Wakka: Airship?!

Cid: Ymmnekrd! Ed'c huf un hajan! Myihlr dra creb, yht ev ed lnycrac yht fa tea... fa'mm zicd tuh'd mad ed rybbah!

Tidus: I'm tired of this made-up monkey language!

The hanger doors open up above, the airship takes off and leaves.

Brother: Rao, ed fungc!

Cid: Ehtaat, yht huf vun dra bonudalrhelc! Ur E tu muja y kuut aqbmuceuh!

Brother began to sing the hymn, followed by Cid.

Tidus: Oh is it Karaoke night?

Rikku: No, were gonna blow up Home.

Lulu: How are you going to go about that?

Cid: With a Forbidden Machina!

And so the airship launched a barrage of missiles, blowing Home to smitherenes.

Rikku: Hooray for terrorism!

Wakka: Oh well. Don't feel so down! It's like fireworks!

Rikku: Oh yes, what a thing to celebrate.

Tidus: Why'd we destroy your home anyway?

Cid: To take out the Guado!

Tidus: Yeah sure, what really happened is you wanted to try out your new toy on the biggest thing you could find, and dammit, that just happened to be your home.

Cid: Yeah sort of.

Tidus: So what's the news on Yuna?

Cid: I'm using a sphere oscillo-finder to find her, so we'll find her!

Tidus: A-what?

Cid: I dunno. It finds stuff. Squeenix never bothers to explain exactly what it DOES, but when it's time to find something, you use a Sphere Oscillo-Finder.

Lulu: Why us it, if you don't know how it works!

Cid: Because it's cool! BEsides, I have no idea how the airship flies either! Thanks to Yevon, we have no idea what's going on with Machina these days.

Tidus: Oh boy...

So Tidus decided to leave the action-less bridge and have a walkabout on the ship. Then he saw Iruka... oops I mean Isaaru and his bros.

Tidus: Oh, it's the girly guy and his bro who gave us a veiled threat several chapters back!

Maroda: I was NOT threatening you!

Tidus: Suuure. Anyway, why would you continue your pilgrimage knowing it's suicide Isaaru?

Isaaru: For the greatness!

Tidus: You suck. What's your take Maroda?

Maroda: I don't particularly enjoy the idea of my brother dying, but there's no other what is there?

Tidus: Why not think of one?

Maroda: No time! The giant evil whale would kill us all!

Tidus: What about the thousand years you've already had? Haven't come up with a better alternative then that?

Maroda: . . .

Tidus: You guys SUCK!

So Tidus looked around a little more, buying some stuff off Rin, who lied and said he was going to use the proceeds to rebuild home, when he's really looking for funding to rule Spira, ignoring Dona and being baffled at the Al Bhed's language he never bothere to learn. When he return to the bridge, he found Cid and Auron in heated discussion. Oh boy. Old men arguing. How fun.

Auron: So what are you gonna do with Yuna when you find her?

Cid: Make her stop her pilgrimage of course! No way I'll let my little niece die out there! Wouldn't solve anything anyway. I'll take down anyone who won't agree.

Auron: Mr Yellow sure thinks highly of his combat skills. Anyway, she'd be against it.

Cid: Oh well.

Auron: C'mon man! Let her do it! Let her summon the final aeon. Just a quick summon, a little summon? It'll barely even hurt when it turns on her and splatters her insides against the closest wall!

Lulu: No, it's the bond breaking that kills her.

Auron: Quiet Lulu, I've heared enough of that nonsense.

Cid: I'm beggining to think you want to see Yuna dead.

Auron: Naturally. But whatever.

Tidus: Are we there yet?

Cid: Huh?

Tidus: Oh, I mean, have we found Yuna yet?

Cid: Yeah sure. We found her hours ago!

Tidus: I was wandering the ship, why didn't you tell me!

Cid: Your friends said you get emo moments when your left in the dark. I wanted to see it myself.

Tidus: -Emo moment-

Cid: Alright then. Bihlr ib dra syeh clnaah!

Al Bhed 3: Fa tuh'd ryja uha!

Cid: Famm bihlr CUSADREHK ib tyshed!

After some fierce negotiations in Al Bhed, Cid managed to get the video playing. It was a vid of Yuna in some high alter, in a dress, with Seymour not far away.

Lulu: The heart of yevon; the palace of Saint Bevelle.

Tidus: Time for the attack!

Cid: Bevelle's defenses are top knotch!

Tidus: What you scared? Acting without thinking is what I'm good at, and Yuna's in danger, we let's go start war, damnit!

Cid: Nice thinking Kid! Du Bevelle!

The ship rockets forward, causing Tidus to fall to the ground.

Tidus: Damnit, you could have warned me about that!

Cid: I wanted to see another Emo moment!

Tidus: -emo moment-

Meanwhile the ship begins to rock a bit.

Tidus: Oh great, turbulence!

Rin: No, were getting attacked from within. Some fiends snuck on board the ship.

Tidus: Why the hell didn't I see them before? Or anyone for that matter?!

Rin: They were very well hidden.

Cid: Yay! Time for more pyrotechnics! Let's crash the ship!

Rikku: Why the hell would we do that?! We gotta save Yunie!

Tidus: Yeah, we'll take out the fiends.

Rikku: Thanks!

Tidus: Time for a little Xenocide! Let's go guys!

And so they go to slaughter the fiends.

* * *


	29. Evrae isn't THAT hard!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 29: Evrae isn't THAT hard!

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Airship Fahrenheit:**

_Plasma Knight was shocked he didn't have to consult Firefox's spellcheck to get "Fahrenheit" spelled correctly. But he still got it wrong somehow while writing it in this guide excerpt. He also spelled "excerpt" wrong three times before consenting to spellcheck use._

So the group moves through the ship, not killing fiends. Why? Because out of an average five play throughs, I might get in... what, one or two encounters in the ship counting between all of them? I mean, what the hell is the point anyway, were the game designers so afraid of Evrae being too difficult they chose to throw in totally pointless battles _here_?

Anyway the group continues on, until they see a big pink-winged dragon floating around in the sky.

Auron: Hey, check that out! A vicious monster for us to kill! That's kinda like the daily thing for us you know.

Lulu: Evrae. The guardian beast, protector of Bevelle!

Tidus: Why does Yevon bother spawning a dragon to protect their skies when nobody else in Spira has airships?! Damn, the plot holes in this game are miles wide and as frequent as holes in swiss cheese!

Auron: So, the red carpet has teeth. Pointy ones too. And that's not red fabric, that's blood.

Cid suddenly starts speaking over the intercom.

Cid: Hey guys, go kill that dragon.

Tidus: It's threatening our air space?

Cid: No, but it's pink wings look really gay. Do it or I'm turning this ship around.

Auron: The man wearing yellow says that? Aww hell, let's go shoot down the dragon I guess.

So they head over to the deck's elevator. On the way, they encounter Rin.

Rin: Wanna buy provisions for the battle?

Wakka: Buy? Your charging us?! If we die, so do you, ya!

Rin: Maybe, but I'll die rich.

Tidus: Dammit! This is EXACTLY what happens when one business has a monopoly on all the potions in the world!

Rin: Indeed. I so do love Capitalism.

So they chose not to buy anything, and instead charge out to the Deck.

* * *

**Airship Fahrenheit Deck:**

The group steps out to the Deck, and Cid chimes in for more advice.

Cid: Alright, let me now when to come in or out, but be sure to think ahead, because if you try and tell me to move JUST AFTER he charges his poison breath, and then his turn comes up sooner, you kids'll die!

Tidus: What?! Now we have to plan ahead while fighting?!

Auron: Damnit, it's like the game designers want us to actually _think _in these battles over our lives we get into so often!

Rikku: Oh well, how bad could a dragon with pink wings be?

Wakka: Pretty bad ya. I just got off Gamefaqs, and about seventy-five percent of the boss requests center on this guy.

Tidus: Did you check walkthroughs for how were supposed to kill him?

Wakka: No, ya.

Tidus: Some Jedi.

Auron: Wait, Cid has the internet?

Wakka: Ya.

Auron: Argh, I should have checked my Harmony(dot)com messages when I got the chance!

Tidus: You use that?

Auron: I'm lonely and want love kid.

Lulu: Anyway, should we kill the dragon now?

Auron: Oh yes. Let's.

So they line up for battle. Evrae took the moment to quickly petrify Wakka with it's stone gaze.

Tidus: Hey guys, look, Wakka's stoned!

Group: Collective snickering.

Evrae: You gotta be kidding me.

Evrae slashed Wakka, breaking him to a million pieces.

Tidus: Oh my god, he killed Wakka!

Rikku: You bastard!

Lulu: No, false alarm. He'll revive after we kill the wyrm.

Tidus: HOW? He's broken in pieces on the deck, and some of the shards fell overboard!

Lulu: Don't ask me! He just does!

Rikku: Hey guys, the big dragon took in a deep breath!

Tidus: Cid, pull back!

Cid: Just a minute.

So the group dealt a few blows on Evrae, while Cid prepared to move. Sadly Evrae got to the punch first, breathing noxious fumes on the group.

Cid: Okay, moving!

So he pulled back, much too late.

Tidus: Thanks Cid. Your a life saver.

Cid: No problem kid!

So Lulu stood up by herself, Wakka being stoned -snicker- still and flung spell after spell at Evrae, failing to accomplish very much because he halves element damage for some evil reason. Cid shot a few missiles at Evrae, but their damage is so piss-wick that he may as well have not bothered. But then again he's a pyro, so maybe he just liked the bangs?

Auron: I have a plan. Yu-gi-oh taught me that the best way to kill Dragons is to collect a group of magnet men and reflect their beams of energy back at them.

Tidus: Auron, Yu-gi-oh also tought you that you should trust a collection of in-animate slips of cardboard to have a heart and soul and heed your wishes.

Auron: Crap your right. Curse you Dan Green!

So they fought on, without using reflective magnet men. Eventually Evrae swooped in with his tail and slashed the group for MASSIVE DAMAGE! Then he prepared his poison breath again.

Tidus: Aww damnit, does he just spam that?!

Auron: No point calling for Cid. Maybe Yu-gi-oh doesn't work, but I'm hoping that if were facing down one sky dragon, another can save us. DRAGON FANG! Come forth Rayquaza!

And so Rayquaza appeared, and began a dragon fight with Evrae. Just be glad Slifer the Sky Dragon wasn't also involved. Eventually Rayquaza proved victorious, sending Evrae falling through the sky. He ended up splatting against the palace where Yuna and Seymour where getting married.

Yevon guy 1: Damnit, I am NOT cleaning that up!

Yevon guy 2: Neither am I!

* * *

**Palace of Saint Bevelle:**

The airship suddenly broke into view, and shot out a couple wires into the roof of the wedding place. The group decided to risk a law suit from Sega by grinding down, alla Sonic Adventure 2. Eventually they arrived on the wedding grounds, where a batallion of armed Yevon monks were waiting for them. After dropping off the special forces, the Airship decided to get the hell out of there.

Tidus: Who brings armed guard to a marriage ceremony kilometers in the sky?!

Rikku: Who holds a marriage ceremony up here? I'm getting vertigo.

Auron: And who brings a gun and sometimes a flamethrower to a sword/magic/blitzball fight?

Lulu: Yevon, that's who.

So the group began to barrel down the main path, taking out the Yevon guards in their way. And this is where the game decided it would once again deviate from real-life physics, because normally getting shot a few times means death, unless of course you got shot in some expendable extremity like a limb, but here in Spira, you get shot a few times and downing a Hi-Potion cures it faster than emergency surgery! And then they encountered the legged machina.

Tidus: LOL, what machine of war kicks their enemies into submission?

Lulu: I know, point and laugh everyone!

The Machina didnt enjoy it's treatment, and so it eject kicked Lulu out.

Tidus: Oh well, that's just like she ran right?

Auron: Wrong. In these forced battles where we can't run, eject is treated like getting shattered, so if all of us get ejected, it's game over. I guess the most logical explanation is these Machina eject kick us off the building or something.

Tidus: Damnit!

So they quickly discombobulated the machines and kept on running, until Kinoc showed up, armed and fat. He put Tidus at gunpoint.

Tidus: Get that thing out of my face you damned dirty ape. We've already taken multiple gunshot wounds getting here, and we've got plenty of Hi-Potions to cure them still! And even if we ran out of those, it seems all the fiends in Bikanel have Al Bhed Potion producing glands on their bodies because we sure are swamped with them.

Kinoc: Yes, but this is a cutscene, not a random encounter. You heroes are always weaker in cutscenes.

Tidus: Damn, he's right!

Meanwhile Yuna picks up her staff, ready to send Seymour.

Seymour: Oh Yevon, the silly girl is trying to send me. Like I didn't see this coming! I'm the most baddass freaking overlord for a reason, and after I've married you, you little hussy, nobody will call me a homo anymore!

Yuna: Too bad Seymour, your going to the Farplane, and I'm getting all your money!

Mika: Oh come now foolish girl. We've got your friends at gunpoint. You want them to die?

Yuna: Well thanks again guys, I had an awesome, cast-iron plan to get rid of Seymour and now it's shot.

Auron: Perfect? If we weren't here all the Yevon guards here would probably jump you the moment you managed to banish even half of Seymour's pyreflies.

So Seymour kisses the apparently frightened Yuna. The group is angry.

Seymour: Awesome. Were married now. And now if you ever swim in a lake in a makeout session with another man amid japanese music, you will be punished most severely. Anyway, kill 'em.

Kinoc: Hokay! Sorry guys, but it's for Yevon.

Auron: Oh come on Kinoc, were buddies! Can't you let me go free? Kill the kid though, he's been irritating me.

Tidus: Auron!

Auron: Sorry kid, you or me.

Yuna: No!

Everyone turns to see Yuna standing close to the edge, ready to jump to her death.

Yuna: Let them go, or I'll jump!

Seymour: Get away from there you silly twat! Whatever, lower the guns. She's a summoner, so she wouldn't think twice about suicide.

So the guys lower their guns. Tidus rushes over to Yuna.

Yuna: Get the hell out of here.

Tidus: Your coming with us!

Yuna: Oh yeah, we'll fight our way out of here. Pfft, I've got my own plans. I can fly, so I'll be fine.

Tidus: Yuna, I'm trying to be calm here, this is no time for your delusions of grandeur!

Yuna: You'll see.

So Yuna falls overboard, falling rapidly to her doom.

Yuna: I am such a genius. Any minute now Valefor will come and rescue me.

**_Meanwhile..._**

Ifrit: Hey Valefor, your being summoned, congratulations!

Valefor: Screw that. I waited days to be summoned, and now she expects me to jump in and save her from her foolishness? Let the girl die.

Ixion: Good plan. And now for drinks!

**_Back to Yuna..._**

Yuna: Yup. Any moment now. Any moment. Valefor will come swooping out of the sky and catch me.

And so Yuna keeps falling, eventually she realizes Valefor isn't coming. Luckily the tail of her dress catches on something, saving her from a premature death.

Auron: Well that was a let-down.

Rikku: Cover your eyes!

Rikku tosses a grenade. Despite her clear warning Seymour decides to look right at the grenade, and it goes off with a flash. Next the camera decides to focus on the staircase while the party runs down it.

Tidus: Who the hell set the camera like this? They can only see our feet!

Kimahri: Bevelle is one enormous Temple. Yuna has but one destination planned for her arrival!

Tidus: The chamber of the Fayth!

So they head that way.

* * *

**Bevelle Temple:**

Auron: So here we are, Bevelle Temple. Time to get Bahamut.

Tidus: How's that pronounced?

Auron: According to twelve, Ba-ha-moot, but twelve sucks, and everyone in that talks like people from the British isles, so it can't be taken seriously. Plasma Knight prefers what he originally through: Ba-ha-mut. As it sounds. That's usually how he pronounces things. Example: He was shamed to learn Carlisle Cullen from Twilight isn't really pronounced "Car-Lee-Sle".

Lulu: Yeah, this asian Ten is so much better than British twelve.

Rikku: Except for Balthier. All by himself he ups the enjoyment.

Tidus: Why hasn't Plasma Knight inserted him in the story yet then?

Plasma: Because I can't adequately re-create his whit properly.

Dark Magician Girl: Hi everyone, were here to demolish the temple.

Tidus: Why?

Plasma: It sucks. I mean on the fifteenth of May 2008 I played through here. It took me five damn times usually to time the departure of my platform so I didn't go careening off the edge of the row when the arrows weren't pointing the right way when I got there.

Tidus: Oh. Let's go in now.

So they do. They were surprised to find some Machina on the way.

Wakka: Ha, Yevon does suck. They betray their own teachings. I'm so glad I'm a Jedi now instead of a Yevonite.

Lulu: Yes, because Jedi are so wonderful. Even in KOTOR 2 when everyone you see is fundamentally suckier than the outcast Jedi you play as. Especially Atris. Bitch.

And so the party enters the Cloister, but you'll have to wait 'til next time to read on that.

* * *

Hmm not much to say. I'm trying to update more regularly. Anyway review, now that you've read.

* * *


	30. Punishment, just unusual, not cruel

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 30: Punishment; just unusual, not cruel.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Bevelle Temple:**

So the group began the trials. After several attempts at using the platform without any measurable success, due to their awful timing that often sends you careening over the edge and back to square one over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, the group decided a new plan.

Auron: Let's just walk across the aisles. Yuna can do it X-2, let's do it now.

Tidus: Agreed.

So they walked across the floor instead, completing the trials much easier as a result. Then they arrived in the antechamber.

Tidus: Yuna in here?

Lulu: I dunno, lol.

Wakka: But the Bug thingy you guys worship (Not me. I worship The Force now.) says you can't do that!

Tidus: Oh please, the bug can just go die for all I care.

So Tidus began trying to heave the door up, unsuccesfully.

Auron: Those doors only open for Summoners.

Tidus: Damnit, who made that dumb rule?!

Lulu: The weak bug thing we worship.

Khimari however jumped to Tidus' aid. The two eventually managed to heave the door up, and Tidus crawled through the gap and into the Chamber of the Fayth. Inside he found Yuna still in her wedding dress, as well as the ghostly raggedy kid that Tidus kicked in the nads so often way back at the start of the Fanfic. The kid eventually flew into Yuna, prompting her to fall over, knocked out.

Tidus: Hey! The kid knocked out Yuna! He's gonna get another crotch kick for that one!

Auron: Hey kid, check it out.

Tidus: How'd you get in here? I don't think your lithe enough to crawl through the door gap.

Auron: I could surprise you, you know. Who would think for example that Samus is actually a better fighter in Brawl WITHOUT her suit?

Plasma: Yeah hoo-ray for me. Sexy, and good. That's why Zero Suit Samus is my main and not Mario. Of course it helps there that they beat Mario with the nerfing stick by replacing Mario Tornado for that asinine Water Pistol FLUDD.

Tidus: Hey Auron, what's that statue over there?

Auron: Kid, Lulu explained it chapters ago, remember? And I gave you the guide?

Plasma: Fine ignore me, but you'll regret it!

Tidus: Well yeah, but I wanna hear it again, and if you don't tell me I'm gonna get upset!

Auron: Oh Yevon, I hate it when you're upset... Fine, brat. Those statues are the Fayth. They're dead people who were transmogrified into statues. Then Yevon dropped them on their back in these temple beyond irritating puzzle chambers and put an energy field over them. Must get boring, being around for a thousand years with nothing to look at but the walls of their chamber. The dead should be allowed to rest.

Tidus: Must be why they spend their time singing. Well time to go!

So Tidus scoops Yuna into his arms, causing terrible graphical clipping effects on the tail of her dress, then walks out.

Rikku: Wait, don't come out!

But Tidus came out anyway, to find Kinoc, armed and fat, and a batallion of guards having everyone at gunpoint.

Rikku: Damnit, don't you listen?!

Tidus: I'm busy looking at Yuna's cleavage, you can't expect me to listen to you too!

Kinoc: Well anyway, it's still a cutscene so we have you guys. Were gonna put you on trial.

Auron: Why? Your just gonna call it guilty anyway.

Kinoc: Well yes, but it's time to drop another can of worms and doing a trial justifies our lousy death sentences.

* * *

**Bevelle Courtroom:**

Tidus: I bet there's an entire labyrinth of twisty tunnels right underneath this room!

Wakka: You've said some pretty crazy toxin dream stuff already, but this takes the cake man. Who would go about making a kilometer deep labyrinth underneath Bevelle?

Meanwhile a Ronso suddenly calls the court to order.

Kelk: The High Court of Yevon is now in session! To those who have insulted the great bug thingy we worship, speak only the truth, and we'll pronounce you guilty a little less meanly. But you'll still be executed.

Tidus: Now I seriously hope he changed his speech for our benefit.

Lulu: No, that's the opening line of the High Yevon Court. Anyone who's gone as high in the legal system as we have isn't gonna be let off.

Kelk: Now Summoner Yuna, you have sworn to protect the people of Spira, true? Speak only the truth now!

Yuna: (hyperventilating) Yuna, who's this Yuna? I've never heard of her! My name is Antoine! What it is!

Kelk: Really? I guess we have the wrong girl.

The other three look at Kelk with frustrated looks on their faces.

Mika: Kelk, let me handle this. Yuna, you killed Seymour. Then you joined with the Al Bhed. That's unforgivable. Why'd you do it?

Yuna: Well first off, I had nothing to do with the Al Bhed. My Guardians did that. And also, I killed Seymour because he's evil! He killed his daddy!

Kelk: What?!

Seymour: You didn't know?

Tidus: Wait, these guys just allow a known patricidal maniac into their ranks? That's like ASKING for the rest of them to get murdered!

Auron: Man, Yevon these days.

Yuna: Besides, Seymour's already dead!

Mika: Yes, we know that. You killed him remember?

Yuna: Send him lord Mika!

Mika: Send the unset to where they belong? You'd have to send me too.

Yuna: Your a zombie?!

Mika: Yup.

Kelk: Lord Mika is an invaluable leader. Even dead he governs Spira well.

Auron: Oh yes, say that to the hundreds made deceased daily.

Seymour: Life is a passing dream, but Death lasts forever.

Auron: Except in Buddhism.

Kinoc: Enlightened rule by the dead is preferable to the misguided failures of the living!

Auron: Well since he managed to get himself killed arguably Mika's not all that great actually.

Kinoc: He has a point.

Mika: Everything dies eventually, and that's what Spira and Yevon are built on! Resisting death is futile! Two things are assured in life: Death and Taxes. Therefore, since you guys dis the dead, you are traitors, and will ironically join them.

Yuna: Damnit! But Mika, I'm trying to kill Sin here! If Death is so great, has all my work, and the work of everyone else, been all in vain?!

Mika: Never in vain silly girl. The Summoners and Guardians give people hope. The Rebirth cannot be stopped. The life and death of Summoners are never futile.

Auron: And never-ending.

Mika: Exactly. Such is the essence of Yevon. We dislike change you see. We've ruled Spira for one thousand years, and by Yevon, we'll do it for all eternity, and you lot won't change anything. If it takes leaving the people ignorant and slaughtered on a daily basis, well dammit, that's fine with me.

Yuna: That can't be right!

Mika: Those who invoke change in Spira, they are traitors!

* * *

**Prison Cell:**

Tidus and Auron are sitting in cages suspended over bodies of water.

Tidus: When I get out of here your dead! I'll slit your throats, gut your corpses and bathe in your blood!

Auron: Goodness Kid, such wanton violence.

Tidus: Well I'm angry. I'd probably just slip right through these far-apart-spaced bars if I wasn't so angry.

Eventually Tidus calms down, and he decides to take a seat.

Tidus: I hope Yuna's okay.

Auron: Who cares. She's due to die in a few days remember?

Tidus: Oh yeah. Hey Auron, why is death so common in Spira?

Auron: Because there's a giant gravity-controlling whale on the loose and the local religious group is corrupted to it's core. Why do you think?

Tidus: Oh yeah.

Auron: Spira is full of death. Death is a very prevelent thing in this FF, it must really appeal to suicidal emo kids. Summoners fight Sin, and die. Guardians give their lives for their summoners. The Maesters are zombies. And Sin keeps killing. What a wretched land we live in.

At that moment Kinoc arrives.

Kinoc: Alright, come out. Your sentences are decided.

Tidus: Come out? Don't you mean your gonna let us out?

Kinoc: No, we don't lock our cells. After all, the bars are spaced so far apart on your cells you could probably squeeze through them anyway.

Tidus: Damnit!

* * *

**Via Purifico:**

Tidus is now standing before the Bevelle sewage system, oh I mean Via Purifico. At gunpoint once again.

Warrior Monk: Get in!

Tidus: In there?

Warrior Monk: Your going in the water hazard and that's that!

Tidus: Your just gonna drop me in a big pool? That's so dumb! Don't you guys just have a firing squad or something?!

Warrior Monk: Nope. Now go!

The Warrior Monk pushes Tidus into the pool.

Warrior Monk: Get going!

Tidus: What If I just float here? Whatcha gonna do then?

Warrior Monk: Nothing.

Tidus: Well fine, I'm just gonna float here for a few hours.

Warrior Monk: You better not you sonofabitch!

Tidus just floats there for a few hours.

Warrior Monk: Fine, I'm leaving! And don't try to climb out, we've got spikes pointed downward to stop you!

Tidus: They're pretty dull actually, and spaced far apart. I could probably use them to climb out.

The Warrior Monk walks away, ignoring Tidus. Tidus decides to swim around and soon finds Wakka and Rikku.

Tidus: So why are we in the sewers?

Wakka: They want us to give up and die down here!

Tidus: What?! That's dumb! What kinda of death sentence is this?

Wakka: A lame one, ya?

Rikku: Let's just find the exit.

Tidus: In all logic, there really shouldn't BE an exit.

Rikku: Look man, they expect us to die in a water pit. If their execution methods are THIS long drawn out and idiotic, they'll probably go even more Dr. Evil-style and leave a poorly-guarded exit lying somewhere around here, preferably one leading right out to the High Bridge.

Tidus: Good point.

* * *

**Courtroom:**

Mika, Kinoc and Seymour are meeting.

Mika: Where's Kelk?

Seymour: He ran off. He's mad I killed my daddy.

Mika: Oh well. I'll just get him replaced.

Seymour: You know, I have reservations about throwing Yuna into the water pit.

Mika: She disturbed the Bug Thingy! She must die!

Seymour: Go get her out of that pit, before I get Anima in here to do my bidding and bust a cap, Damnit!

Kinoc: Forget it Seymour. All the other people we tossed into that pit died.

Mika: Maybe she won't? Go place guards at the exit.

Seymour: Wait, why does our death pit have an exit?

Mika: I dunno, lol.

Seymour: Aww hell, I'll go do it myself.

Kinoc: I'll go too I suppose.

Mika: That sounds potentially fatal Kinoc.

Kinoc: Yup. Wish me luck!

Seymour: Don't trust me?

Kinoc: You committed Patricide. Of course not!

Seymour: Alright, later Mika.

The two leave.

Mika: Note to self: find a replacement for Kinoc too.

* * *

**Via Purifico:  
**

So Yuna finds herself alone in the death pit of Yevon.

Yuna: So I'm alone in the death pit, with only my guns, and all my DS' to protect me. Yeah, I'm fine.

Plasma Knight: Nope, I took your DS' away.

Yuna: Why?

Plasma Knight: Look Yuna, Every FF that has a job system also has a default job, like FF5's freelancer, but the design crew never designed an "empty" dressphere for you guys, so I'm doing it now.

Yuna: That leaves me naked!

Plasma Knight: Even better. Bye now.

Plasma teleports off, leaving Yuna to swear violently for a while until a couple fiends show up.

Yuna: Alright Aeons, come help me out now!

_**Meanwhile**_

Ifrit: Yuna's calling us again.

Bahamut: Meh, let her shoot her way out.

Valefor: Yeah, she always preferred using her weapons over us before anyway.

**_Back to the Via_**

Lulu was having a boring day. She decided after being dumped in the doom pit that she'd find some out of the way corridor to preen to herself in, rather than do something smart like actually _look _for the summoner she's supposed to be protecting. Or maybe she's trying to guard the chest nearby? Regardless, she's just sitting there. And then Yuna ran past, naked and being chased by a half dozen Sahagens and Water Flans.

Lulu: Well that's just weird.

Eventually Lulu decided she'd follow Yuna, and the pair made it to where Auron was standing.

Auron: There must be a way out. We search!

Yuna: Sir Auron, the exit's right behind you.

Auron: Oh good. I knew I was on to something.

Yuna: Can I have your red coat?

Auron: No. That would disappoint the fanboys.

Yuna: Curses!

So the group travelled down the corridor, until they encountered Isaaru.

Yuna: Hey Femboy, give me some of your robes! You've got clothes to spare!

Isaaru: I didn't want to believe you were a traitor lady Yuna, but your streaking confirms what I always suspected, your totally weird!

Lulu: He figures this out NOW?!

Isaaru: I was told to kill you, you know.

Auron: If Yevon's going to send some hitman after us, what was the point of dropping us in the death pit in the first place?!

Isaaru: Now Yuna, it's time for an Aeon duel!

Yuna: Problem with that! My Aeons are ignoring me.

Isaaru: Then I suggest you come up with some alternative.

Yuna: Hey, I've got an idea. Go beat up the femboy guardians!

So Auron and Lulu do just that.

Yuna: Didn't see that coming did you?

Isaaru: Curse you, you hussy!

Yuna: bye-bye now, lesser summoner.

Auron: Your pilgrimage is over... and so if your camera time.

Isaaru: NOOOOOOOO!

And so the group leaves Isaaru beaten on the floor, in a more realistic setting this would result in his death because of all the fiends, but no, as Isaaru is alive and well two years later, or whatever variation of "well" were attempting to button to this guy, as he's become a tour guide... talk about a slump, and head out through the poorly guarded exit Mika thought would be a fine addition to the Yevon death pit.

Lulu: Wait! We forgot Kimahri!

Yuna: (starts swearing)

* * *

Well 30 is in the bag! Not to long before round 2 with Seymour! Anyway, review now and I'll get on the next chapter sometime.

* * *


	31. Kill Seymour: Volume 2

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 31: Kill Seymour: Volume 2

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Via Infinito:**

_So the group, despite appearing before Yuna, has so far accomplished very little. That's because they were floating around in limbo until the player managed to complete Yuna's section._

Tidus: Well I do believe we've been floating around in limbo long enough. Let's say we find the exit now?

Rikku: Oh, absolutely.

So the group heads toward the exit, and then finds a chest, floating around in the water. By all accounts it aught to be full of water and bubbling around at the bottom of the... sewer thing, but it's not.

Tidus: Hey cool, let's raid it!

So Tidus goes to open the chest, only to find it demanded money. For some odd reason this chest had been converted into a store, similar to the jukebox stores in Dirge of Cerberus. Why Vincent can't just bust them open to steal their supply of potions, I will never understand.

Tidus: Wait, so now we have to PAY the chests for them to give us their goodies? What's next? Do we have to pay the Sphere Grid to get our stats up?

Chest: Money, money, money, money, money!

Tidus: Hell no!

So the group continued swimming, wondering why Square saw fit to place two save spheres within a minute or so swim of each other here when the extra Save Sphere might actually be helpful say in a place like the Omega ruins where I have to run back to the start whenever I wanna leave. Anyway they keep swimming until a bunch of pyerflies converged into one spot, reforming Evrae, this time with the new name Altana preceding it. Anyone who can leave me a review telling me what Altana means and what it has to do with the new zombie Evrae gets a special mention. Same with Seymour's later three boss forms too while I'm at it.

Anyway Evrae returns.

Wakka: Oh no, and now we can't summon Rayquaza to fight him off! Help me Force!

Tidus: Well my guide book says we can fight him off or open gates and run our asses out. You know, I have to wonder why my book isn't disintegrating underwater.

Rikku: But he's a zombie! Let's just throw pheonix downs on it!

Evrae Altana: Sorry suckers, but I'm immune to them.

Tidus: Well damnit I'm still doing it! Bottles of life energy, GO!

So Tidus throws a Pheonix Down on Evrae. For some odd reason, despite Evrae being immune to it, it still takes damage to the tune of half it's health.

Tidus: Well that makes no sense. It's like running around with Confusion proof armor and still getting confused by those fucking bastard Malboro's fucking bastard bad breath. That'd suck. Anyone, second shot go!

Evrae: Nooooo! my second chance at life wasted! Now I know how King Gallon feels!

Tidus: Do you derive pleasure from the agony you feel?

Evrae: No, just mild irritation and self-loathing.

Tidus: Then in that case your totally different. Now return to hell!

So Evrae does. Then they spend a long time swimming out and wind up on the Highbridge, finding a couple really sweet, but in Tidus' case, stupid looking weapons.

* * *

**Highbridge:**

_Yevon sees fit to make certain all their doom pits have exits leading right to the Highbridge. Also, the guards on the highbridge aren't so interested in stopping traitors from getting out, as they are from stopping them from getting back in. If that makes any sense at all._

So the scene opens with Rikku abruptly embracing Yuna.

Tidus: Cool, Shoujo-Ai. Let's see more!

Yuna: Hell no.

Tidus: Well uhm... you know, this isn't the appropriate time for an apology. If only some calamity would happen.

Fortunately for Tidus, a calamity did occur! And it was in the form of Seymour, a group of Guado and a Warrior Monk dragging Kinoc along, dead, but still fat.

Tidus: Oh my god! He killed Kinoc!

Auron: You bastard!

Seymour: I saved him. You see, this lesser man craved power. He had it, but feared losing it.

Auron: That's mostly sentient being's nature isn't it?

Seymour: Yeah, sort of. Anyway, I saved him. You see, now that he's dead, he has no fears. He can rest in peace.

Yuna: What good is it being free of pain if he's dead and can't enjoy his freedom?

Seymour: Be silent you lesser being, I have a monologue! Now then (clears throat) Death is a sweet slumber. All the pain of life is gently swept away... Ah, yes. She you see...if all life were to end in Spira, all suffering would end. Don't you see? Do you not agree? That, Yuna, is why I need you. Come, Lady Yuna. Come with me to Zanarkand, the lost city of the dead. With death on our side, we will save Spira, and for this... I will take from you your strength, Yuna, your life, and become the next Sin. I will destroy Spira! I will save it! Now, what do you say?

Seymour notices that at some point during his looooong tired out rant Yuna and crew had snuck away and were now half-way down the Highbridge.

Seymour: Damn Hussy! Nobody escapes the ultimate overlord in Spira! Evil Council, attack!

And so Kefka, Ex-Death, Sephiroth and Golbez appear out of absolutely nowhere to cut off the party.

Tidus: Aww man, couldn't we make a clean escape?

Kefka: That'd be too easy.

Golbez: And Plasma would lose the chance for a Natus fight.

Ex-Death: MONEY WOMEN ALCOHOL!

Auron: Is he always like that?

Sephiroth: Well he was spawned from a tree and the spirit of an evil sorcerer who gave up immortality for a force that ultimately consumed him. Ex-Death's not the smartest member of the crew.

Kefka: But your still a momma's boy Sephy.

Sephiroth: shame

Then suddenly that other FF villain council ALSO appears.

Garland: Your all gonna pay for not allowing us in!

Emperor: That's right!

Garland: And so, I Garland, will knock you all down!

The other evil council starts snickering at this.

Kefka: Your gonna... knock us down? Well that's rude and all but we can just get back up.

Garland: Oh... well... It sounded cool to me! Oh I guess I just screwed up...

So Garland goes to mourn his failed intro while Cloud of Darkness consoles him.

Golbez: You know it's come to my attention we have no real reason to fight these guys. Let's go find our respective enemies and kill them instead?

Kefka: Oh fine. Besides, that Garland guy threw off my homicidal desires for today.

Sephiroth: And I still need to teach the Chocobos Choco Meteo. It'll probably take another two years though, but it'll be worth it when Cloud can't catch chocobos to breed for a golden one anymore because he's busy having flaming rocks fall on his head.

So the evil council departs, leaving Seymour alone again. Then the other evil council also departs since it no longer has a reason to exist and it's individual members decided to fight over the free pizza in a cataclysmic final battle that could be matched only by a hundred KOS-MOS' fighting a hundred T-los' in space while a massive Earth Harvest fleet battled the Nirvana and throw some Gundams, some massive space fortresses, a few E.S. Units, a swarm of Gnosis, and some other arbitrary space mechs in too. Only I won't be saying just what it was like. Meanwhile Seymour managed to catch up with the group, and corners them again.

Seymour: Now then, if you guys are all going to be total fools with me, I'll just kill you all.

Kimahri charges up and stabs Seymour in the boob.

Seymour: Okay purple XIII, your dying first.

So Seymour creates a black hole and sucks up the pyreflies from Kinoc and his own lackies despite the fact they were apparently alive, and doesn't even absorb the party while I'm at it, turning into a freaky sort of monster with a smaller freaky sort of monster backing him up.

Tidus: Oh my god! He absorbed their souls! That staff has to be a Psypher. I wonder where he got his Phozon Crystal from?

Seymour Natus: Yeah sure, it's called the shut-the-hell-up, before I kill you for your Odin Sphere references. And this time I've got a buddy. Say hi Mortibody!

Mortibody smiled at the group, showing his many pointy teeth.

Kimahri: By the gods! Retreat! Keep Yuna secure!

Auron: Don't have to tell me twice! Run kiddies!

So they take off, only for Yuna to have second thoughts halfway down the bridge.

Yuna: I'm not leaving Kimahri behind!

Auron: Oh my god, you hussy, you didn't think to bring this up BEFORE we nearly made it through the highbridge?

Yuna: Auron!

Auron: Oh fine, go right ahead back to the homicidal maniac. See what I care when he turns you inside-out.

So the group takes off running back to Seymour, even Lulu goes.

Lulu: I'm going too. I probably won't have to do any fighting anyway.

Auron: I swear these kids'll be the death of me... whoops never mind.

So Auron goes too. Now for some reason it was only now that the group encountered Bevelle's defense machina and warrior monks, now, when they were trying to return, when before when they were trying to run they were totally unhindered. Yeah, it makes no fragging sense, I know. So eventually they fight all the way over to Seymour and Kimahri, who apparently were having a staring contest with each other or something.

Seymour Natus: FINALLY! Do you know how boring it's been standing around acting like I'm on the verge of a homicidal breakout for a few minutes?

Yuna: Sorry, but I needed to fight to pick up some AP. I'm a bit under-leveled now since I've been MIA for so long.

Seymour Natus: Whatever, now you die.

So Seymour begins flinging off spells again in his evil ways in an attempt to murder the party.

Yuna: Still using a sequence? Well luckily I know just what to do.

So Yuna begins casting nul-spells in the same sequence, only for Mortibody to ruin in all by throwing out piss-wick full party attacks just for the sake of ruining the protection.

Tidus: That little cheap pest! I know what to do, let's speed up!

So Tidus casts Hastega, revealing he somehow knew magic. Makes no sense, I know.

Yuna: And I'll cast Reflect! Ooh try hurting us now, you so-called Overlord!

Mortibody: Too... many... buffs... urge to kill rising...

So Mortibody casted Desperado, blowing away their buffs. And then Seymour wasted them a little more with Multi-casting.

Auron: Oh come now, that's just unfair.

Seymour Natus: You wanna know what's really unfair? THIS! Break!

Seymour casts break on Lulu, petrifying her.

Tidus: Hey guys, check it out. Lulu's hard.

Group: -collective snickers-

Seymour Natus: I can't believe these are the people who killed me. Shatter the woman Mortibody!

Mortibody: She's hard... -perverse chuckling- I just noticed I have a long tail made for piercing, maybe I can...

Seymour Natus: If you finish that sentence in a way that implies you'll pierce her funnel, I will Flare you to oblivion. Now shatter her!

Mortibody: Aww but she's hot. I don't wanna shatter her.

Seymour Natus: That's it! Flare!

Seymour Flares Mortibody, killing it. Mortibody however just drains some of Seymour's life to regenerate.

Seymour Natus: How the hell did you do that?!

Mortibody: You tied my life to yours so they couldn't kill me. Doesn't look so smart now does it?

Seymour Natus: Damnit, die for this outrage!!

So Seymour began to chain-cast high level magic spells in a vain attempt to blast Mortibody to oblivion, until eventually Mortibody managed to drain away every last ounce of Seymour's life.

Seymour Natus: I hope you suffer in hell for this you jerk.

Mortibody: Maybe I will, but I managed to have some fun first.

Seymour vaporizes away in a cloud of darkness, leaving the group well enough alone.

Tidus: That was a fun show.

Auron: Indeed, watching Seymour kill himself never gets old.

Wakka: Let's get going, ya.

Yuna: But Lulu's still... hard... -snickers-

So since they didn't really feel like making her not hard, they just drag her off the Highbridge. Meanwhile the Warrior Monks don't try to stop them. After all, they were just leaving, not returning.

* * *

So it's been a while. I got lost on the road of life, and it involved a difficult summer school course. Anyway, go ahead and review now. Really. Do it. Right now.

* * *


	32. JPop Tunes and MMD's

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 32: J-Pop tunes and MMD's.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Plasma's abyss:**

Plasma Knight: Having recently finished Odin Sphere I'm feeling a little depressed.

Dark Magician Girl: Why, Plasma-sama?

Plasma Knight: Some stupid skeleton-pooka who apparently thinks using "the whip" is a good threat basically ruins one of the most beautiful fantasy worlds I've ever seen and it ends up replaced with what seems to be implied as an early version of our own world, albeit one with a huge-ass tree that's implied to be a reborn chibi-faerie queen. If that's real, then I curse my fate for not having been born during the age of dragons, magic, dwarves, demons and scantily clad forest faeries.

Dark Magician Girl: But mostly the faeries right?

Plasma Knight: Aye.

* * *

**Macalania Woods:**

_The forces of Yevon never look very hard for traitors responsible for the deaths of two of their semi-pope figures. It really explains why Yevon is so flawed to it's core._

Auron arrives, having apparently gone out on a scouting mission. Why it was him and not someone lithe, agile and small like Rikku can't be properly explained. What makes it worse is that he's wearing a red coat in a mostly blue crystalline forest.

Auron: Looks like we made it out. We'd best avoid Bevelle in the future. Now where's that silly fool Yuna?

Lulu: Said she wanted to be alone.

Auron: Well that's smart. Here we are, a few feet passed Bevelle and she decides she wants to go off alone.

Wakka: Kimahri's with her.

Auron: That doesn't make me feel much better!

_Due to Kimahri's lack of use he had been playing the role of water boy for the past few days._

Tidus really just wanted to go to sleep. It had been a long day and involved a number of battles to the death, but most of the group decided he aught to go cheer Yuna up as well. I tell you, it's hard to be her lover...

* * *

**Macalania Lake:**

Tidus walks up to Yuna, who is waist-deep in the lake water.

Yuna: I always thought it'd be easier. I'm fairly bad-assed myself, and with all my friends with me... I've been trying so hard.

Tidus: You've been trying too hard. And drop the bad-ass bit Yuna, it's becoming increasingly obvious those are projected delusions of grandeur to put everyone else at ease.

Yuna: So you think.

Tidus: Anyway, you've been trying too hard. They told me the truth you know.

Yuna: For the last time, I did NOT sleep with Besaid's high-priest to get this job! I'm a virgin, dammit!

Tidus: ... They didn't say anything about that...

Yuna: Good. Because it's not true.

Tidus: Yuna, I'm sorry about everything I said, about Sin and Zanarkand. I didn't realize what it meant to you. I'm sorry if I made you sad...

Yuna: Oh no, it was a relief. Everyone else was giving me these looks like I might just collapse and die at the slightest breeze, but seeing you act like I'm not made out of retard-glass made me feel better.

Tidus: Oh well... good then. Yuna, just don't do it!

Yuna: My Pilgrimage?

Tidus: Yeah, give it up, the same thing most adults do when they realize time is against them.

Yuna: Wouldn't everyone be surprised?

Tidus: Yeah probably. They'll probably burn effigies of you and Auron would probably perform seppuku. Lulu might hang her head in shame... but we'd get to them eventually. And if not, bugger them all. They're not important in X-2 anyway. I may be dead then, but I'm still important, and Rikku's important and she'll without doubt support you ditching your job.

Yuna: So what will I do if I quit my pilgrimage? I'm kinda at the top of the top 10 most wanted list now.

Tidus: Ehh we'll quit Spira and go to Zanarkand.

Yuna: Oh. Yeah. Great.

Tidus: I mean MY Zanarkand?

Yuna: Oh that's okay then. What will we do?

Tidus: We'll go to a game!

Yuna: You'd play?

Tidus: Sure, then we'll go to the beach and (waxes eloquent about how wonderful the beach is in a paragraph-length description I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT be typing out. Give my poor widdle fingers a break here people.)

Yuna: (starts crying.)

Tidus: Yeah, it's wonderful. I know.

Yuna: I can't... I can't go!

Tidus: Then why did you start leading me on to think you would?!

Yuna: Your description of the beach wasn't good enough to make me abandon my duty!

Tidus: I put heart and soul into that!

Yuna: I needed shirtless men swooning over me, not a description of a sunrise!

Tidus: Oh, let me go and...

Yuna: No, it's too late. There's no fixing it now.

Tidus: Oh poo. We'll let's make out.

Yuna: Okay.

Suteki Da Na: (Plays.)

Tidus & Yuna: (Swims, makes out. Underwater. Tidus I can understand, but how did Yuna not need air partway through?)

Japanese: (Swoons over the beauty of the scene.)

Americans: (Wonders what the hell the woman's singing and tries to look up Yuna's bra.)

Tidus & Yuna: (Finish, go back to shore.)

Yuna: If I quit, I could be free to do whatever I wanted... but I'd never be able to forgive myself for abandoning my duty.

Tidus: Oh alright.

Yuna: Would you stay with me? Until the end?

Tidus: Sure thing. Forever.

Yuna: Aww you'd die to join me? How sweet.

Tidus: That's me. Sweety mick sweet cakes.

Yuna: That's horrifying and mentally scarring.

Tidus: (Sighs. Downcast.) I know. Sorry about that.

Yuna: I'm gonna go get some brain soap.

Tidus: Get me some too please.

* * *

**Courtroom AKA meeting room:**

Seymour: Shuyin, you whiner, go kill those fools.

Shuyin: No. I'm tired of you bossing me around. I decided I'm not taking orders from a half-breed with his gut hanging out anymore.

Seymour: Then what will you do? Steal our massive Machina and destroy the world?

Shuyin: No. Rather than use the general chaos caused by Sin, your fall and Yuna's actions as a mask to obtain Vegnagun totally unnoticed, I'll just hide away for two years until things calm down and do it then.

Seymour: I hope your death is painful.

Shuyin: I'm dead already.

Seymour: Well I hope it sucked.

Shuyin: It did.

* * *

**Macalania Forest:**

Rather than move on ahead, Tidus decides to frolic in the woods.

Tidus: I feel like doing a good deed today.

So Tidus finds a family and helps them out. Along the way he finds a rather large crystal growth.

Tidus: I've got a feeling this'll be important in one of the most lengthy sidequests in our story.

Crystal Growth: Good guess. Now go find my mirror.

Tidus: Where is it, all knowing crystal?

Crystal Growth: I dunno lol.

Tidus: Dammit!

So Tidus goes off toward the Calm Lands. BTW he does find the Jecht Sphere, I played it's stuff earlier on than I was supposed to, remember? You'd better.

* * *

**Calm Lands:**

The group arrives.

_The Calm lands has some of the weirdest landscaping of the whole of Spira. Where'd those weird spire things come from? Why can't the party get passed two foot rifts in the ground? Why do I have to go AROUND them and risk battles with those evil Malboros?  
_

Lulu: The calm lands. Where Summoners battle Sin. The road ends here, beyond there are no shops except for the Ronso shop and Wantz. No roads, except for a clearly marked mountain path and dead city path. Just empty plains, And mountains and a dead City.

Yuna takes in the scenery and falls back.

Yuna: I've always known where to go.

Auron: Yuna, the path is well-trodden... who could get lost out here? There's only three exits to this plain.

Yuna: Yeah whatever.

Tidus: I won't let you die.

Yuna: Better not.

So they set off, down the plains. And then they encounter all the fiends. And the Machina, which are with the fiends... for some reason... and then the Machina on fire... WTF?

Tidus: There's something weird about the fiends here!

Suddenly they encounter me, in all my awesomeness.

Plasma: Hey peons.

Auron: What are you doing here?

Dark Magician Girl: Plasma-sama and I were slaughtering the Malboros.

Tidus: Huh?

Plasma: Yup. I made the Malboros extinct. No more. At all. Bastards got what they deserved for bad breathing my party all the time. It's vary painful watching you guys trying to attack each other psychotically while the extremely overpowered, in this game, poison status RAPIDLY drains your health away when I was hunting fiends for over an hour.

Auron: Then how are we to work with the monster arena?! How am I gonna get my ultimate weapon?!

Yuna: Or mine?

Plasma: Pfft, your problem. Besides, only three people worth using at the end of the game are Tidus, Wakka and Rikku anyway.

Lulu: What about me?

Plasma: Funnily enough, this is just about where I stop using you.

Lulu: Aww.

So the party continues, on to the Travel Agency, where they meet a man in clothing way to heavy for this weather. Kinda the opposite of Rikku in most situations, understood?

Lulu: Father Zuke!

Yuna: He's your dad?

Lulu: No he's a priest.

Tidus: You mean this is the first priest in the story with the title "Father"?

Lulu: Yeah, what about it?

Tidus: I dunno, it just seems kinda weird to me. You'd think Mika or somebody would be called "Father" too...

Zuke: So, this is the famous traitor Yuna!

Wakka: Wanna make something of it, ya? I warn ya, I've got my lightsaber now!

Tidus: Really?! When did you get one??

Wakka stomps on Tidus' foot, shutting him up.

Yuna: Tell us what happened, quickly now, and we'll let you live!

Tidus: I thought you were going to drop the fake supremacist attitude?

Yuna: I have no idea what your talking about.

Zuke: Mika says you killed Kinoc and ran away.

Yuna: Does he say why?

Zuke: Nope. He just says your a very bad girl who needs punishment.

Yuna: Aww.

Zuke: You ought to avoid temples for now. Anyway, good luck this time Lulu! Hope you don't screw up again!

Lulu: Me to.

So, the group doesn't grill Lulu for information and instead goes walking around the plains, lost.

Auron: Okay, how did this happen? We must really suck.

Yuna: Maybe just you Sir Auron. Your the one who said this place is easy to navigate.

Auron: Well maybe if it wasn't so big that I can't see the whole area at once on the mini-map.

Fourth Wall: (Shatters)

Suddenly some woman who is ALSO dressed too heavily for the weather arrives.

Chocobo Trainer: Hi. Wanna train a Chocobo?

Tidus: Could be useful.

Yuna: Yeah.

Tidus: We'll do it.

So the woman sets Tidus up on a Chocobo at the far end of a straight lane marked by flags.

Chocobo Trainer: So just ride your Chocobo over here, within the time limit.

Tidus: No problem!

As it turned out it was a problem, because the Chocobo had a severe case of Down Syndrome or something and was dead-set on making sure Tidus DIDN'T reach that goal line in time. After some... instructing nods with the sharp ends of his sword Tidus eventually managed to get the Chocobo to obey and arrive at the goal in time.

Chocobo Trainer: Okay, Chocobo trained. You can ride him whenever.

Tidus: Ehh? That's all it takes to train a chocobo these days, make it run straight? Wow if only making babies obey you was this easy.

Chocobo Trainer: Wanna take training a step further?

Tidus: I don't see why not.

So they reset the Chocobo. This time the Chocobo Trainer decided to lob freaking balls at Tidus to stop him getting through.

Tidus: And the Spira branch of PETA just lets you do this? This is clear Chocobo abuse!

Chocobo Trainer: No it isn't.

Tidus: What do you call it?!

Chocobo Trainer: Training.

Tidus: And why would Chocobos NEED to learn how to dodge flying rubber projectiles?

Chocobo Trainer: I dunno, ask the game designers.

Tidus chose not to, and instead the group changed directions and headed toward the Monster Arena.

_People may wonder why anyone would make an arena in such a concluded area. Well the truth is the arena owner got in trouble with Yevon a few years ago for making MMD's (Monsters of Mass Destruction) that rival or totally bypass even the might of Sin. How a strange old man with no backstory obtained such knowledge of Monster biology and doomsday creature making is unknown, even to this guide._

Arena Manager: Hey kids.

Yuna: It's an old man. Be cautious guardians, he might attack at any moment.

Arena Manager: This is the arena used by the Crusaders to hone their skills, but sadly I botched the job and they all got away. Every single fiend.

Tidus: Why the hell are you not unemployed now?

Arena Manager: I have no idea. What I do have a fat loot of the ultimate items in Spira, and if you help me out by capturing back all the fiends, I'll give them to you.

Yuna: What else do we get?

Arena Manager: A way to horrendously overgorge your stats.

Auron: And?

Arena Mangager: shrug I'll make some powerful fiends to test your strength on.

Yuna: I'd rather not have our bowels ripped out and force-fed back to us. The logic of the matter is, we could probably just kill you and steal all your items. That seems smart. Were already enemies of the law, and since I'm a summoner and all I doubt anyone would fault us for taking supplies from the elderly. Besides that, this isn't a cutscene, so we can do anything.

Arena Manager: Oh come now. That'd make it too easy. People would call you lazy kiddy baby whiners.

Yuna: Oh yeah. Didn't consider that.

Tidus: Alright, how do we capture them?

Arena Manager: Capture them with special weapons using basic attacks.

Tidus: So everyone but Auron, Wakka and I are useless now.

Kimahri: That's hardly equal. I can assist you in this endeavor as well.

Tidus: Quiet, waterboy.

Kimahri: Be warned opppresive influence, the day will come when I shall lead forth the glorious rebellion, and then you shall be the two parts Hydrogen, one part Oxygen provider for our motley septet of world-altering youths, and one aged man and Ronso.

_Plasma Knight spent MINUTES finding how to turn 7 into a group word... _

Tidus: Lol What?

Kimahri: Philistine.

Tidus: Dude, my name's not Phil.

Arena Manager: So I'll sell you the capture weapons at a ridiculous price.

Auron: We'll make them.

Arena Manager: Can't. I have a total monopoly on them of all Spira.

Wakka: Don't worry guys. I know what to do. (Force Persuasion) Surrender your Capture weapons to us, immediately!

Arena Manager: (Failure) Hell no.

So they resorted to just buying the damn overpriced things and go hunt the Calm Lands for fiends. We'll be back with that after these commercial messages.

* * *

I'll need another whole chapter to cover down all the side quests in the the Calm Lands... next chapter I'll be covering the Celestial Mirror, Chocobo Racing, evil as it is, Fiend Hunting and the Cave of the Stolen Faith. Be back... meh, later I guess. LOL

* * *


	33. Tidus Chocobo Wheee

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 33: Tidus Chocobo Wheee

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

_Plasma Knight is greatly bereaved. You see it's been far too long since he last smash Mario's face in as Zero Suit Samus because his local Gamestop traded out Brawl for the crap that is Mario Kart Wheee a couple months ago. Stupid cheating computer... cheats... in MKWheeee too._

So the group spends a couple hours grinding for Fiends, only to realize they're missing some. therefor they head into the northeastern sections of the plains.

Yuna: Ogres! Come out! I need to enslave you!

Tidus: Yeah, and Anacanduars too.

Rikku: And the Couerr... coureerrr... uhm... the evil kitties too!

_Plasma Knight didn't remember HOW the hell you spell those, and he's not looking either._

Auron: The damn fiends are altogether too rare out here.

Yuna: I'll bet it gets worse when it's time for the Cavern of the Stolen Faith too.

Tidus: Oh please no. Can we stop Fiend hunting for a while so I can ride the Chocobo I put so much effort into training?

Auron: Kid, all you had to do was coerce the damn thing to run straight under a time limit. I doubt it was all that hard for you.

Tidus: Well still, I wanna use it.

Auron: (sigh) fine, brat.

So they go joy-riding throughout the Calm lands for a while on the Chocobo until they notice the secret sector of Remiem Temple.

Tidus: Hey Look what I found! That building's MASSSSSSSSIVE.

Auron: Now, why does such a big temple have such a rickety bridge leading to it? That's asking for a problem.

Yuna: Surely a worthy Aeon rests within.

Auron: Or a crap one that has amazing potential but either doesn't listen or makes knock-out stupid moves.

Yuna: Ehh, crap, worthy, big difference. The potential of my enslaved beasts are wasted anyway since I never summon them.

So the team enters the temple to find it contain but one room. Sure, the room is kinda big, but it's still a huge letdown.

Tidus: Well that goes to show something about Yevon. Such a big temple with so little inside. What a damn waste.

Belgemine: This is the forgotten temple with Remiem, lost in the battle with Sin.

Tidus: Which one?

Belgemine: Anyone ever say you ask too many questions?

Auron: Yes. Constantly.

Tidus: So why do you live here? You got something against company?

Belgemine: No, I'm just dead.

Yuna: Unsent! Must... send!

Belgemine: Not so fast. Wanna have Aeon duels to the death now?

Yuna: No not really. I just want your stuff, so I'll send you and raid your... corpse thingy.

Belgemine: Well. Damn.

So Yuna sends Belgemine, then raids all the stuff Belgemine had on her. Unfortunately she still is unable to open the door to the mighty but useless aeon of the temple, so instead they go outside to the Chocobos waiting outside. Apparently one of them needed a rider to challenge the champion. If that's the case, how the champion chocobo become the champion anyway? And anyway the race is on! Tidus had no real trouble beating the so-called champion in a timely manner because he was exceptionally slow for a champion of racing birds, and lost spectacularly. For his trouble, Tidus recieved a cloudy mirror.

Tidus: Well that sucks. I can't even look at my beautiful self!

Auron: Meh, let's go clear it up.

Yuna: Where will we do that?

Auron: Where else? Macalania.

So they headed on the fairly long trip back to the crystal forest.

* * *

**Macalania Woods:**

Once in Macalania the group found the strange crystal bulb thingy, just cause Tidus was under the strong impression that was important for some side quest, and low and behold, it was! Fanfare! The cloudy mirror became rather less so, and Tidus was allowed to look at (to him) beautiful self again in it, until Yuna snatched it away to look at her beautiful self. And then Auron snatched it away to prevent the group from fighting over it, though he did take it out in the early watches of the night to look at his awesome self with it.

* * *

**Calm Lands:**

Rikku: So now that we've got the mirror which celestial weapon will we hit first?

Tidus: We can nail mine almost completely right now. We'll just need the Crest later.

Yuna: We can pick up mine, but we'll need to get the Sigil later.

Kimahri: We could obtain my own celestial weapon empowerer, also known as a sigil, in the crystalline forests to the south. All it shall require is hunting down cerulean butterflies. What say you?

Tidus: Quiet, waterboy, were going chocobo racing.

So they do, provided they find the chocobo trainer who was, for whatever reason, perched off at some odd-ball corner of the Calm Lands, almost as if she didn't want to be found.

Tidus: Hey Trainer! I wanna race chocobos against you!

CT: Okay then, let's get set up!

So they do, with Tidus and the trainer on the south end.

CT: So we gotta race over to the north end. Ready?

Tidus: Yup.

So they were off! CT took a cheap early lead by cutting off Tidus, and so nailed a few of the first balloons, but Tidus thought for sure his moment would come once they arrived at the central plains... only that his chocobo evidently didn't want to win, and so often took it upon itself to dodge every ballon Tidus attempted to direct it to, and for some odd reason also, the birds were hell-bent on nailing Tidus' chocobo, and so dive-bombed him at every turn. Eventually the pair reached the finish line.

CT: You got a time of five hours, three minutes and ninety-eight seconds!

Auron: Wow, you suck kid.

Tidus: I didn't do THAT badly!

CT: I dock him some time every time a bird hit him. He got hit by three million, five hundred twenty nine thousand, five hundred and forty two of them!

Yuna: WHAT?!

Chocobo: Somebody kill me... the pain...

Tidus: Well maybe if that chocobo wasn't so stupid or the birds so evil. That's it, another race!!

This time Tidus did quite well, though that was only if you compare it to his first run, because he nailed somewhere over four hours...

-Three Hours Later-

Tidus: Whew! I'm into the ten minute range! I'm getting better!

The rest of the group meanwhile are seated on rocks, watching the races with only moderate interest.

-Four Hours Later-

CT: You got a time 0.00.

Tidus: Yay! Finally! Give me my Sigil you loser!

CT: Sorry you don't get it yet.

Tidus: WHAT?!

CT: You have to BEAT 0.00. You matched it.

Tidus: THAT'S ASININE! (goes berserk)

Rikku: There's really no logic involved in a game where you can get less then zero on a timer.

Yuna: No kidding.

Lulu: Oh be happy, my stupid sigil is the hardest to get.

Auron: Don't worry, I'll expedite this.

-One hour Later-

CT: Sorry, still matching 0.00.

Tidus: ANOTHER RACE!!

Suddenly Clasko shows up.

Clasko: I, the representative of the newly formed Spiran branch of PETA, place you under arrest!

CT: Why?

Clasko: I have reports you've created an abusive training process for poor little chocobos! I'm taking you in!

Tidus: Can I get something off her first?

Clasko: I don't see why not.

Tidus snatches the Sun Sigil away from the woman.

Tidus: Yoink! Enjoy incarceration!

CT: I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you damn kiiiiiiiids!

Auron: Actually that was I. I gave Clasko a call.

CT: In that case, you damn midle aged meeeeeen!

So the group goes over to the revine that strange man was guarding, and pushed him over the edge of the cliff to his doom. He wasn't missed. There Tidus laid claim to the Caladbolg.

Tidus: Pheer my awesome sword of... awesome!

Auron: Alright, good for you. Now, back to fiend hunting for my sigil.

Tidus: Fine old man.

So they get back to grinding for fiends, eventually managing to enslave all those elusive creatures. Then they returned to the elusive arena.

Arena man: Well done! I made a mighty fiend to fight, wanna take a crack at it?

Yuna: First things first, I want my Nirvana!

Arena man: You want a cruiser-class space ship?

Yuna: Yes, that'd do nicely.

Tidus: Too much Vandread again. She wants her staff man.

Arena man: Oh, sure thing then.

Yuna: (glares at Tidus) Thanks. I could have had a whole damn space ship under my command, but nooooooo, you think I wanna continue being a stupid staff girl when I've been using guns all this time!

Tidus: Your welcome.

So Yuna takes off, forcing the party to leave and not fight the surprisingly dangerous fiend the old man created. Then, they quickly realized they were a bit short on mini games to pursue that weren't knock-out stupid (glares at the butterfly game) so they traveled over to the Gagazet Border. There a couple Guado showed up.

Guado 1: Maester Seymour wants you come with us!

Yuna: Hell no! Tell Mr. gut-hanging-out to go wed his Mortibody slave!

Guado 2: Maester Seymour must be obeyed! You will come!

Guado 1: We don't need you alive you know.

Auron: Try and kill us again. You'd fail, but you can try.

And so they did, by sicking some sort of big Defender golem thing monster on them. Tidus took the time to provoke the beast.

Defender: Grrr... must... resort to... stupid... tactics... ROCKET PUNCH! (Rocket Arm's blasting off again.)

And so it continued for the next hour, the Defender CONSTANTLY rocket punching Tidus while the rest of the group spent the hour wailing on it until the creature and it's stupidly high HP count finally died.

Rikku: That was surprisingly boring.

Wakka: Reminds me of that fight with Umaro Ya?

Yuna: Well hopefully the game designers will not put us against these dumb, easy, but tedious fights again.

Sanctuary Keeper & Spectral Keeper: (Achoo!)

Tidus: Speak for yourself! I get rocket punched over and over for an hour! Luckily I'm not dead, but I'm down to 1 HP.

Auron: You know what they say about HP. If you've got 1, your ready for action.

Tidus: I don't feel ready for action!

Auron: Too bad kid!

So the group now headed off to the gorge, wherein they find a cave. Rikku ran right in for some odd reason, and then ran out again like it was nothing.

Tidus: Why did you do that?

Rikku: I... don't know really. Strange huh?

Wakka: Uh-oh, this is where...

Lulu: My first pilgrimage ended here... let's go!

Yuna: You lost one summoner here, and now you'll lead your third in here?

Lulu: Yup.

Yuna: No wonder your pilgrimages end best out of three!

* * *

**Sunken Cave... or Cavern of the Stolen Fayth. GRRR... what the hell is this place's name?!**

So they enter, and soon encounter the waves and waves and waves and waves of the god-dammed useless Magic Pots.

Tidus: Okay, whoever designed the encounters in this game deserves to be brutally tortured!

Auron: I agree, I'll never perfect my Masamune unless I see some Tonberries!

Rikku: Don't forget Ghosts...

And so they spent the next hour grinding for fiends, and eventually finishing everything. Expect the Tonberries.

Tidus: Let's try this green room. I think it feels lucky.

Auron: Kid, there's no more Tonberries here then anywhere else.

Tidus: But I really wanna try the room! Now let me try it or I'll get really upset!

Auron: Oh I do hate it when you get upset...

So they do grind in the green room. There, despite the total lack of difference in Tonberry encounter rates, they STILL stayed there 'til they found all ten. Which took several hours and thousands of runnings from those damnable magic pots.

Yuna: Now that our grinding for sub-games is over, let's get to the faith so I can get even more bad-ass alright?

Lulu: Yes Yuna, of course Yuna. Let's get this over with...

So they head over to the end of the cave, there they find Belgemine again. She summons Yojimbo to slaughter them.

Yuna: Hey, didn't I send you?

Lulu: No that's Lady Ginnem, my old summoner. She's a palette swap from Belgemine, but she's totally different.

Yuna: No she's not, she's also dead, and she's summoning an aeon to kill us, just like Belgemine. Only difference is this woman's black.

Tidus: I didn't know you were racist.

Yuna: I'm not! I'm just intolerant of other cultures! The priests teach us so!

Rikku: Yes. Often directed at us.

Yuna: Quiet lesser being! I must further the efforts of the Spiran Master Race! Go white humans! Die you evil Asian Samurai! (shoots Yojimbo) Now, begone influence of evil! (sends Ginnem.)

Tidus: Now for the Aeon!

Yuna: And this time we'll all go together!

So they enter the chamber of the faith, via a teleporter. After some rumbling, Yojimbo's Fayth, a man and his dog, appear.

Fayth: I am the blade of vengeance, they dare only whisper my name... Yojimbo.

Yuna: Who's they?

Fayth: Uhm... my enemies. The people I slay.

Yuna: If you kill them, how are you sure they even whisper your name?

Fayth: Look lady, do you want me to stab things for you or not?!

Yuna: Uhh... the first one!

Fayth: Fine. That'll be 250,000 gil.

Yuna: WHAT?!

Fayth: I want pay for my stabbing.

Yuna: What are you gonna do with it?!

Fayth: Saving up to buy Shiva and Anima for an awesome threesome some night.

Yuna: Well... fine... for the sake of completion.

Fayth: Wow really? Sweet! Alright then, I'll heed your call. Farewell 'til then! (departs)

So they leave the chamber and exit back out into the Calm Lands gorge.

* * *

**Lands that are not uncalm:**

The group quickly searched for some fiends for their new servant - I mean slave - I mean AEON, to stab.

Yuna: Alright, I paid hard money for him, so let's see what Yojimbo does! (summoning jig)

Yojimbo arrives in an arguably awesome intro scene.

Yuna: Go my minion, kill!

Yojimbo: Money first.

Yuna: I already paid you over two-hundred thousand gil! You want MORE?!

Yojimbo: Yes. Shiva and Anima cost VERY high together.

Yuna: Fine. Here's a thousand more.

Yojimbo: Ehh. Sick 'em boy.

Daigoro attacks, dealing pidly damage.

Tidus: Use your sword man!

Yojimbo: I only use the sword for very high sums of money.

Auron: Such wanton greed!

Suddenly the fiends attack, taking Yojimbo out.

Yojimbo: Dammit... I'm blaming you, my fees are gonna go up now!

Yuna: It's your fault you got killed! This is EXACTLY why I don't even summon my aeons!

So they just killed the fiends themselves, then they walked over to the gates of Gagazet. Yuna turns back to look at the Calm Lands one last time.

Tidus:_ Sometimes Yuna just stares off into the distance. Now I understand. She's goodbye to the places she'll never see again. How nobl-_

Yuna: Aha! There you are!

Yuna stoops down and picks something up.

Yuna: There's that tricky thing I lost a few minutes ago! I'm glad I found it before I left!

So the group moves on, leaving Tidus behind to scowl at Yuna for a short time before he follows.

* * *

I always wanted revenge on Yojimbo and the Chocobo trainer lady, so I got it! HAH!

* * *


	34. Kill Seymour: Volume 3

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 34: Kill Seymou: Volume 3.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here... And I definitely don't own Bud Light, 'cause I'm only 19 and all...

* * *

**Mount Gagazet:**

_Plasma has been watching Excel Saga. No pointing please. HAIL LORD ILLPALAZO!! Now then, you wanna know what I hate? You Tube videos with openings. Gah, hell peoples! When I wanna listen to the opening theme for Karin (Scarlet) I wanna listen to Scarlet, dammit, I don't wanna hear some catchy unrelated tune that has nothing to do with staining the night red with hot love and sex while you video creators tell me what I'm watching and who made it, because if I chose to care about such things, I'd actually look it up, dammit, and the only times I DO ever care about who made the video is if I'm watching an anime series. Thonx.  
_

And so the team begins their long trudge up Gagazet. And then they saw a rather large and open gate area. Obviously the heroes were about to be menaced a bit, though not too much.

Auron: Oh no. Something'll happen here.

Tidus: Where do you get that idea?

Auron: Kid, it's a wide, open area. Things ALWAYS happen in wide, open areas!

And Auron was right, because as soon as the group stepped out into the center of said wide, open area, a batallion of Ronso jumped from out of nowhere like big blue-furred ninjas. Actually, when you compare the Ronso against Naruto I'd judge at least most of the Ronso could be better at stealth than said series with a lead character who wears a bright orange jumpsuit before the time skip. Anyway, the Ronso show up, you know.

Kelk: Stop right there Antoine! You can't go up this mountain, only people of Yevon can go up the mountain, so get lost!

Yuna: Oh you get lost fool, preferably in the Thunder Plains where your horns will work nicely as Lightning Rods.

Kimahri: Indeed. I feel greatly relieved, for my stunted horn provided a great deal of safety while I attempted to cross said Plains of Thunder.

Kelk: Stop talking, outsider.

Kimahri: Oppressive influence!

Kelk: And stop talking so funny.

Yuna: I've turned away from Yevon! I follow the temple no more!

Kelk: Then die, Antoine!

Yuna: That's not even my name!

Kelk: You told me it was you liar.

Yuna: I was trial, you think I was going to tell the truth?

Kelk: Then you will die by those words!

Biran: Bwa ha ha! Biran rend you assunder!

Auron: Try it, Tiger, and see who gets rended.

Yenke: No escape, not one!

Yuna: Why should we try and escape from the likes of you?! Your a whole race of red shirts and water boys!

Kimahri: I must take offense at your cruel statement miss Yu-

Yuna: Shut up, Water Boy.

Kelk: Fools, all of you! Why do you bother still trying to defeat Sin?! This is madness!

Yuna: THIS. IS.

Auron: (duct-tapes Yuna's mouth shut) no attempts to copy three-hundred today hussy. This is how it is Kelk, were trying to stop Sin. It's for the greater good, so let us through. Or we'll destroy your red-shirt race.

Kelk: Good point. Let them pass Ronso. I'm sure Yuna has a strong will under all that arrogance. A will of steel not even the mightiest Ronso can bend, or the most cunning Guado melt with their fire magics, or the most skilled human cut through with their blades, or the most sneaky Al Bhed should through with their guns or...

Tidus: Okay, point made. Now stop hitting on my girlfriend.

Yuna: Shut up, fem-boy.

Tidus: Yes, ma'am.

Auron: It's all because of me that we get through. I'm that awesome. I'm a Real Man of Genius, and here's the proof.

(Real men of genius theme song plays)

Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Real Men of Genius.) Today we salute you Mr. Aged, Grumpy, Semi-Guardian. (Mr. Aged, Grumpy Semi-Guardian.) With your bad ass longcoat and big freaking sword, you charge into the fray and slice fiends open. (Are you compensating for something?) You transcended death to watch over both of your suicidal friends' children. (Our sympathies are with you.) Your impassive, stoic mood puts your bad-ass level on par with Ovan. (Are you two drinking buddies?) So, crack open a nice, cold Bud Light, oh disgruntled protector of the angsty ones, because we'll always guard your position as #1 (Mr. Aged, Grumpy Semi-Guardian).

Auron: (drinking from his jug, which is indeed now filled with Bud Light) Oh yeah, awesome.

Tidus: I want one too.

Plasma: Pfft, I'd make fun of you in it, and you know it.

Tidus: Yeah I do... So anyway, were near your home Kimahri. Why'd you leave again?

Kimahri: -sigh- I shall explain the situations that occurred in song form.

Tidus: This isn't going to be in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air form like our last song right?

Kimahri: (silence) I was going to call it Fresh Ronso of Besaid.

Tidus: C'mon Kimahri, let's hear it right.

So Kimahri tells Tidus a pack of lies about how he got in a fight with Brian. Here's what REALLY happened though.

* * *

**Calm Lands:**

Kimahri, Biran and Yenke are wandering around the Calm Lands, when they encounter a Chimera Brain.

Biran: Kimahri, what does sensor weapon say about his HP level?

Kimahri: (places hand around his horn.) It's over NINE-THOUSAND!! (breaks off Horn in rage, then looks down at it in his hand in shock.)

Yenke: Ha ha! Hornless, Horn - Eaugh!! (bowled over by Chimera Brain)

* * *

Tidus: So... You two had an epic battle of life or death over a flame-filled abyss, and you only lost because Biran cheated?

Kimahri: Yes. That is indeed how our fateful encounter resolved.

Tidus: Wow, I've got a semi-higher level of respect for you.

Rikku: Hey guys, good news!

Auron: Oh boy. I do love good news. (drinks more)

Rikku: I got a stand-in for Yunie in case anybody tries to take her away again! Presenting, Yunie #2!

And so Rikku reveals a blond pretty-faced schoolgirl.

Yuna: She looks NOTHING like me.

Rikku: But she's got the same name as you!

Plasma: No, no, no Rikku, put that away right now, there's no way I can make that humor fly! That's like Balthier, there are just some people I can't put in my parody with a straight face. Mostly this is because said character would be LESS funny by some evil coincidence in this parody. That's why you never see HK-47 either, despite his level of awesome.

Rikku: Aww. (does so.)

Plasma: Ahh but... recognition, cause I can't give anything else really, to whoever can guess where I got this one from. I left a hint, and also, I've NEVER seen another character named Yuna before... shouldn't be all that hard, though I think this is something a google search can't solve.

Tidus: I doubt you even recognized who it was that explained what Seymour's names and Altana meant.

Plasma: I'll bet I did! I just won't check now. Maybe later.

Yuna: Well I'm glad that semi-faker is gone. Stealing my name, honestly.

Tidus: She was cuter than you.

Auron: (Drops the bomb-shell. I can't say it because that'd ruin the whole point of posing the query I posed five lines up, hah.)

Tidus then began to frantically search for some mind-soap. I sure know I needed some too... And then the group started hiking.

* * *

**Gagazet Mountain Trails:**

Tidus: Well that was a really long delay, I sure hope nothing stops us now!

Biran and Yenke show up.

Tidus: Dammit!

Biran: Halt! Summoner may pass, Guardians may pass, but Kimahri not pass! Kimahri shame Ronso brothers, Kimahri forget his birth.

Auron: Forget your birth eh? Pretty bad amnesia there, man. (takes drink)

Kimahri: I could not have forgotten my birth, that statement makes a total lack of sense!

Yenke: Forget his people, forget his brothers. Little Ronso, weakling Ronso.

Biran: Mountain hate the weak, hate the small.

Tidus: Apparently this mountain is extremely judgmental then.

Kimahri: Oh by the gods that is IT! I've had enough of you mal-factors tormenting me! Now shall feel the wrath of Kimahri! Rawr! (leaps into combat)

_Though Kimahri is likely to suck by now unless your one of those ten people who actually USE him, luckily Biran and Yenke also suck. And if these guys are the greatest Ronso warriors, it really doesn't come as a surprise that Seymour is going to WTFPWN them soon._

And so the battle ends with Biran and Yenke defeated. Meanwhile the rest of the group broke up Kimahri's day in the limelight by coercing him to start serving the drinks again.

Biran: Well done Kimahri. Biran accept your strength. We Ronso shall crush enemies following behind!

Kimahri: I shall demolish enemies in our path!

Yuna: No you won't, Water Boy.

Kimahri: Yes, miss Yuna. (hangs head)

Yenke: Ronso will shine your statute brightest!

Yuna: Good, I'll expect a hundred of them. Now then, bye bye guys, have a fun death.

Biran: Yes, miss Yuna!

Yuna and her team dash off before the "singing Ronso" scene can start. And so they climb up into a burning ring of ice, they went up, up up and I've already tried this one already didn't I? So sorry. So they go up, fighting past all the surprisingly dangerous Fiends that are starting to show up.

Tidus: Why are the fiends in Spira always so violent!

Lulu: Well at least this time it makes sense. There WOULD be dangerous fiends on this mountain. I'm not sure that makes up for places like the Mihen Highroad of Moonflow having fiends that should slaughter the random fodder civilians though.

And they keep on walking, slaughtering all those killer fiends, even those purple spanish trashcan monsters that just don't die because I have to stop attacking at certain points or invoke a clobbering of a counter attack. Not to mention the surprisingly evil plants and unusually placed Machina. And the grenades. I do hate those as well. Eventually, they find a nice place with a ravine overlooking a drop of death.

Rikku: We stop here, alright?

Tidus: Okay, nice place for camping. Just watch the drop.

Rikku: I haven't figured out how to stop Yunie yet.

Tidus: Hmm... Still got that stand-in?

Rikku: No, I lost her on the way up.

Tidus: I pity the fiends, they're gonna get owned.

Rikku: So how do we stop Yunie?

Tidus: We'll go to Zanarkand! The answers are there!

Rikku: What if they're not?

Tidus: Well... then we tried!

Rikku: Good plan.

Seymour: Hello children.

Tidus: Aww man, it's that fruit with his gut hanging out again.

Seymour: Oh that's it, prepare to die son of Jecht!

Tidus: No way, son of Jyscal! C'mon guys help me... (notices Auron and the rest ran off) damn.

Rikku: I'll go get them.

Tidus: Thanks, daughter of Cid.

Rikku: Stop that.

Tidus: Fine.

Rikku runs off. Seymour doesn't stop her.

Seymour: And now you die, son of Jecht.

Tidus: I have a name you know.

Seymour: Yes but If I said that out loud, it'd bring this game rating up to AO, which is a sales death sentence.

Tidus: How would my name get us an Adult Only rating?

Seymour: Your name is that heinous. And now you die!

Suddenly the rest show up.

Kimahri: Save some of this mal-factor for myself!

Seymour: Oh man, maybe I should have just killed you quicker.

Tidus: Yeah, probably.

Seymour: Well anyway, I have something to say to the last of the Ronso. You had a truly gallant, though foolish and tactically unsound race. They threw themselves at me to bar my path. One after the other.

Kimahri: Good, finally! I've been waiting for annihilation to take those savages!

Yuna: Your not sad?

Kimahri: Why would I be? You expect me to mourn an entire race that giggled at me and called me hornless all the time?

Seymour: Well uh... that ruined my intro. Your gonna die for that! And once I become Sin, your father will be free again. Come out, Mortiorchis!

And so Mortiorchis comes out, and Seymour merges with him to become Seymour Flux.

Auron: Oh, this again. Lets see if he kills himself again. (takes a drink)

Seymour: Won't happen this time Sir Auron. You see, I didn't give Mortiorchis a free will! He'll follow me unquestioningly!

Wakka: Oh yeah, and he's another hard boss ya.

Seymour: Now, taste my lance! (stabs Rikku) that's for being a perky thief! It's just wrong!

Rikku: WOW That felt S-O G-O-O-D!! Pierce me again!

Seymour: Ehh? (stabs her some more. She eventually starts getting silly with pleasure.)

Auron: Very wrong man. (drinks some more.)

Seymour: What the hell's wrong with this thing? (notices a name tag on the side) Lance of Sexual Buzz? Who the hell gave me this?

Mortibody: (In Hell, devious snickers)

Seymour: Damnit! (tosses out spear, gets his Lance of Atrophy.) There we go. Now taste zombie, you fool! (stabs Rikku)

Wakka: What'd he do to her, ya?!

Seymour: I turned her into a zombie! (maniacal laughter)

Rikku: (fetal position, starts rocking back and forth) I miss you Edward, life is meaningless without you... please come back to me...

Tidus: Wrong type of zombie.

Yuna: Not even a single moaning of "brains". I guess that's the best zombie you can make, huh Seymour?

Seymour: Uhm... Well I'll try it anyway. Mortiorchis, Full Life on her, now!

Mortiorchis: Sure thing boss. Do what now?

Seymour: Full Life. Cast it on her.

Mortiorchis: Oh alright. Do what now?

Seymour: Cast Full Life on her already!!

Mortiorchis: Okay, okay, you don't have to shout! Do what now?

Tidus: Are you sure it was his free will you removed and not his brain?

Seymour: Argh!! Nothing's going right!! (starts casting Flare on Mortiorchis)

Mortiorchis: Ouch! Do what now?

And Seymour once again ended up killing himself thanks to his stupid decision to make Mortiorchis weak but tied into his life.

Tidus: You'd think he'd learn some day.

Yuna: Hmm if we kill Sin, Sir Jecht will be saved. You guys know something! (accusing finger at Auron and Tidus)

Auron: Yuna, I think this time we'll leave you out of the loop. How's that feel?

Yuna: Crappy.

Auron: Now you know how we feel. C'mon gang.

So they do go, continuing on through the icy deathtrap.

* * *

Well next we have the rest of Gagazet. I'll probably get partways into Zanarkand then too, because there's not much to that last part. Anyway, see you all later!

* * *


	35. Life is just a dream, Literally

WelThe Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 35: Life is just a dream. Literally.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Mount Gagazet**

The motley septet of world-altering youths, and one aged man and Ronso continue climbing the mountain, until they see a huge collection of half-naked statues.

Tidus: Wow. C'mon Wakka, let's turn these women statues around so their chests aren't in the rocks.

Wakka: Seems like a bad idea to me, ya.

Tidus: Well screw you then.

Yuna: These are fayth! Someone's using all of them!

Lulu: Who has power on this scale, and what are they calling?

Auron: Who indeed?

Rikku: You know something don't you?

Auron: Don't look to me for answers. This is your story too. And a sad, pointless story it is.

Rikku: Yunie might die!!

Auron: What does that have to do with the situation at hand?

Rikku: I have no idea, actually.

Tidus: No, Auron's right. This is my story!

Yuna: Punk. I'm the main character!

Tidus: No your not. I'm the one in Dissidia. Bitches don't know bout my story.

Auron: That doesn't prove anything. The rabid arguments on who's the main character of FF6 are STILL going on! I mean, it was obvious enough before that it's Terra, so the fact people are still debating on it is just sad and proves there's too many Celes fanboys in the world.

Tidus: Shut up Auron! (molests female statue, collapses.)

Wakka: Told him it was a bad idea!

* * *

**Zanarkand**

Tidus suddenly finds himself back in Zanarkand, near his houseboat.

Tidus: Huh? YAY I'm home!! And now I finally get to settle my debt!

Tidus rushes into his house in a good mood, and then finds the creepy little fayth kid standing there.

Fayth: Please don't kick me again.

Tidus: Don't irritate me. Now before I get mad, where am I?

Fayth: In your home.

Rikku and Wakka show up for brief periods of time, begging Tidus to wake up.

Tidus: Trippy. Did Auron slip me some drugs or something while I wasn't looking?

Fayth: No, your a dream. (runs away)

Tidus: Get back here you brat!! (gives chase)

Tidus eventually corners the Fayth on the second floor of his boat.

Fayth: A long time ago, there was a war between Zanarkand and Bevelle.

Tidus: Not interested in history.

Fayth: You still need to hear.

Tidus: Oh jeez, whatever.

Fayth: Bevelle's Machina assured their victory from the start.

Tidus: Zanarkand had Machine too though.

Fayth: Well apparently they never gave much thought into a defense budget.

Tidus: And why did Bevelle go and attack Zanarkand anyway?

Fayth: You ask too many questions.

Tidus: (Kicks the Fayth in the crotch) Now then, continue the history lesson already.

Fayth: (Cringing in pain) Fine bastard! We wanted to save Zanarkand, if only in a memory, so we all got together and became Fayth for the summoning of a Dream Zanarkand.

Tidus: You wanted to perpetuate a lie, basically?

Fayth: We were all very distressed!

Tidus: Should have put more money into the defense budget.

Fayth: Oh yes, the answer is always clear a thousand years in hindsight.

Tidus: So where'd Sin come from?

Fayth: That's to protect Dream Zanarkand and limit technology. Unfortunately, the first thing Sin did was sack the real Zanarkand.

Tidus: And it has yet to destroy Bevelle either. You guys really suck. Now then, what's the point to all this?

Fayth: Like I said, your a dream. And if the Fayth stop dreaming...

Everything quite rapidly goes straight and rapidly to hell.

Tidus: Wow. First priority is a defense budget, second is a public maintenance budget.

Fayth: You don't get it do you? If we stop dreaming, you die!

Tidus: Oh really? Guess you guys'll just have to sleep forever.

Fayth: You bastard! Were tired of dreaming!

Tidus: How can you get tired of dreaming? The most restful sleep is when you have vivid dreams. If anything you guys should like it.

Fayth: You and your father became real by touching Sin. Would you let us rest?

Tidus: Since it involves my death, that answers your question.

Yuna suddenly pops up, like Rikku and Wakka before her.

Yuna: Wake up fem-boy, or we're leaving you behind.

Tidus: Oh crud she's irritating when she's mad. Get me out of here now, you weirdo.

Fayth: I'm not done with (crotch kicked again) Fine, go die!

* * *

**Mount Gagazet**

Tidus awakens, to the limited happiness of his allies.

Auron: I was hoping you'd stay like that.

Tidus: Well, thanks Auron. I hope you die!

Auron: Oh the irony. (walks off)

Wakka: So what happened, ya?

Tidus: I just took a nap. Yes, I slept, any problems?

Rikku: It's a bit irresponsible of you.

Tidus: Oh your one to talk.

With little else to talk about, the group continues on into the cave, where they encounter more of less the same enemies, except for those really evil Behemoths. And then the group eventually came upon a watery section.

Wakka: Our turn, ya!

Lulu: Be careful. If it gets dangerous, pull out quick. If one of you dies, pull out quicker.

Tidus: Thanks Lulu, by the way, why can't any of you come with us?

Lulu: Oh please, this outfit is hard enough to keep from slipping and exposing me when I'm dry.

Auron: I'm too cool for swimming.

Kimahri: I'm part cat. That should do.

Yuna: I jump fem-boy, I _don't_ swim. At least until I start playing Blitzball, which I suck at.

Tidus: Lazies!

The trio swim through the watery lanes, taking out the bizarre self-destructing piranhas and the surprisingly dangerous Maelspikes, and eventually come to the blitzball challenge.

Tidus: Your turn, Wakka.

Wakka: I don't have my ball.

Tidus: Why not?!

Wakka: Traded it off for a lightsaber, ya!

Tidus: You dolt! Now how do we go through this?! You're like the dumbest guy ever!!

Wakka: Hey, you do not knock Jedi's, ya!

Tidus: Your not even a Jedi, you just run around with a Lightsaber spouting off their code, badly.

A ping sound from the target suddenly alerts the two that Rikku went ahead and took care of the puzzle without them.

Tidus: How'd you do that?

Rikku: My logic is, not every summoner party coming through here will have Blitzballs, so I just threw one of my grenades at it. Worked like a charm.

Tidus: Well Rikku saved you Wakka.

Wakka: You'll become one with the force for this Rikku. Tidus meanwhile gets to go to whatever Star Wars-hell there is.

Tidus: Oh I am afraid.

So the trio swims back to the group, and then goes around to **another** water section.

Yuna: I wonder why this cavern is just arbitrarily flooded?

Auron: I gave the kid a guide for this one...

Tidus: I lost it, remember?

Auron: I spent ten whole gil on that you jerk!

Tidus: You told me Jecht bought it!

Auron: Well I didn't want you to feel angsty. You do that enough on your own.

Tidus: (wangsts)

Auron: Oh go be like Sasuke.

Tidus: You want me to brood endlessly and pointlessly too?

Auron: Sure, but make sure you cut yourself in the end. On the throat preferably.

Yuna: Sir Auron, I kinda need him alive until my pilgrimage ends.

Auron: Well lucky you. Now get going, kid!

So Tidus, Rikku and Wakka go swimming through the water again, and come upon... some kind of weird color-coded hole thingy. I dunno, it really makes no sense. From there they return to the rest of the group and walk up the stairway of conveniently-collapsed multi-colored rocks. As the group continues on, Auron singles out Yuna for an aged-man to young-girl chat.

Yuna: Auron, this better not be asking me out on a date.

Auron: Of course It's not! _Dammit, she's on to me! Curse the nubile youths of today, they're all too sharp for me! _I wanted to warn you that the fiends sent by Yunalesca will be upon us soon.

Yuna: Oh, that dirty slut who stole my name.

Auron: She came first.

Yuna: Doesn't matter. She's the one who did the stealing in my opinion. So anyway, she's still alive?

Auron: Sluts die hard.

Yuna: I'll take those words to heart and totally ruin my established character by being an ass-grabbing schoolgirl two years from now.

Auron: Sounds epic.

So the group walks on, arriving at a wide, open area. We all know what's coming.

Auron: It comes!

Tidus: Wow, shortest pre-battle cutscene ever!

And the Sanctuary Keeper arrives almost literally out of nowhere. The group lined up for battle, and were immediately hit by a spray of the Keeper's evil broken laser attack.

Tidus: Dammit, die! (attacks)

Sanctuary Keeper: (Curage for MASSIVE HEALING)

Tidus: Hastega!

Sanctuary Keeper: (Tail Swipe)

Lulu: Bio!

Sanctuary Keeper: (Esuna)

Yuna: Come out, Bahamut! (Summons Bahamut)

Sanctuary Keeper: (Curses and then horribly rapes Bahamut)

Yuna: Reflect!

Sanctuary Keeper: (Reflect on Yuna)

Auron: Damn, is there no contingency this guy isn't prepared for?!

Yuna: Why must the game designers make us think on how to deal with these bosses?!

Tidus: You know, while were at it, why is Yunalesca trying to kill us when were trying to rescue Spira.

Auron: Well she's a bitch.

So the party kept at it for a while, making little to no headway on how to deal with the boss, until Wakka returns from a quick Gamefaqs trip.

Wakka: Okay, Sir Auron, Magic break him!

Auron: Alright. (Magic Break)

Wakka: Yuna, cast shell on him and dispel your Reflect!

Yuna: Fine. (Does so)

Wakka: Don't cast Hastega anymore, it makes him apeshit!

Tidus: Alright.

Wakka: Threaten him, Sir Auron!

Auron: Okay, because apparently this giant monster gets scared by me being fierce with it.

Wakka: Good, all the conditions have been cleared. Now for the checkmate! (attacks.)

Sanctuary Keeper: (Pwned, killed.)

Wakka: Ya! Crowning moment of badass for me!

Auron: Your first and probably last.

Wakka: But you know, Zanarkand's right around the corner now.

Auron: I felt the same way. Here, my resolve wavered. I realized Braska would be dying soon.

Wakka: What did you do, ya?

Auron: I remembered that I hated him and wanted him to die. He was a loser, remember?

Wakka: I guess even Legendary Guardians can be complete bastards after all.

Auron: Legendary Guardian? I was just a boy... well actually I suppose I was awesome back then. And that's only improved over time!

Tidus: True, but your still rather cruel.

Auron: That's because I hate the young, remember?

The group continues moving, until Rikku decides to hold them up yet again.

Rikku: Yunie, I say no! We should stop!

Yuna: Oh please, you waited until _now_ to say this? Don't even bring this up BEFORE we climbed the mountain full of deadly fiends and death traps?

Rikku: I was grappling with indecision!

Yuna: But I'm not. My mind is made up. (dashes forward surprisingly fast and glomps Rikku) but thanks for all your help up to now. Tell Cid thanks for me?

Rikku: Yunie-sama... (Hot make-out scene.)

Tidus: (bursts into tears)

Wakka: Wow, so Yuna's a latent lesbian, ya?

Yuna: Look what male examples I have to choose from! Besides, the underlying tones in X-2 are only too clear.

Auron: She's your cousin.

Yuna: That only makes it more awesome and fetishy.

Auron: I swear I'm the only sane person here.

And they move on, only for Tidus to notice a Sphere Yuna left behind. He decides now would be a good time to listen to it.

Yuna: (From the sphere) Is this thing on?! Alright, if your listening to this, it means I'm dead, and famous. First off, I'm taking everything with me, so please bury all my worldly possession with my corpse. And anyway, I have a number of goodbyes for everyone. First I suppose I'll start with Kimahri. I may be completely... "oppressive", as you put it, I don't understand the word but I think I'm using it right by matching contexts. You use a bunch of words I don't understand, you know, but your alright. Thanks for picking me up at Bevelle. You really scared me at first, big blue tiger and all, but you turned out alright. Oh, and thanks for staying with me. And now for Wakka and Lulu... You two were like a brother and sister to me! I really loved watching you play Blitzball, Wakka. Oh and I'm glad you were against it when I decided I didn't want to live. I didn't really consider everyone else's pain at all when I decided I'd get absorbed into this pointless sacrifice, so sorry about that. Sir Auron, having you as a Guardian is a real honor. That's why your the only person I let kill stuff other than me. And as for our newest guardian... well I'm glad I met you. The idea of us not being together makes me sad...

Tidus: That jerk didn't consider Rikku showing up. Yeah thanks Yuna, save all the thanks for her in a incestuous lesbian scene, right in front of me I might add.

Auron: Kid, we only just noticed you've been missing for several minutes, catch up already.

Tidus: Oh alright.

So he does.

* * *

Not much really to joke about during that chunk of the game. I'll probably have better luck when they get to Zanarkand though.

* * *


	36. Listen to my story, again

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 36: Listen to my story, again.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here...

* * *

**Mount Gagazet:**

The group was nearing The Zanarkand Ruins, but then Yuna noticed Tidus was upset.

Yuna: What's wrong fem-boy?

Tidus: (sigh) Time for a hypothetical situation.

Yuna: Oh there's no need, I really am sexy, smart, beautiful, brilliant and sexy. There's no need to imagine it.

Wakka: You said "sexy" twice and "beautiful" as well, ya?

Yuna: I can't help that I'm good-looking.

Tidus: No. Hypothetical situation: Auron dies.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Fans: Noooooooo!!!!

* * *

**Back to the group:**

Auron: Are you accusing me of something kid?

Tidus: No.

Auron: Are you planning something?

Tidus: No, hypothetical remember? How would you feel Yuna?

Yuna: Well I'd be upset, but I'd move on, and get a new badass longcoat guardian. There would, however, be that ten-minute period where I'd be inconsolable.

Tidus: Well, now envision that Kazushige Nojima drops hints here and there like sprinkles on a donut that Auron might just have survived. How would you feel then?

Yuna: A little better. It's a more romantic, in some ways, ending.

Tidus: Exactly. Now that you have that image, invision now that Nojima comes out and says, no, Auron really _was_ dead. All the hints were just consequential and really meant nothing.

Auron: Aww man.

Tidus: Exactly. Suddenly, those sprinkles were really just multi-colored capsule of poison, and now the only people who wanna eat that donut are the people who want Auron to be really dead. Nojima even says Auron's little sister can read minds for some contrived and poorly thought-out reason!

Auron: Huh?

Tidus: Exactly. And his faithful vassal that is part-cyborg and is obscenely loyal to Auron was just alright with Auron dying and even let it happen for the greater good.

Auron: Damn that vassal! Even if he's awesome!

Tidus: They even make his co-conspirator drop a line that suddenly makes no sense anymore, and they say she's content now after centuries of loneliness and really horrible murder attempts including but not limited to Guillotining, Iron Maidening and Burning at the Staking, and all just because she had a decent year with Auron. And they even masked her cart driver for no real reason!

Yuna: I'm beginning to guess what series were talking about now.

Tidus: Well don't mention it. It'd be spoilerific if the fans of Plasma's parody find out.

Auron: Indeed. Because we all know Gamers don't watch Anime, and vice-versa.

* * *

**Zanarkand Ruins:**

All of the group together are sitting around some cruddy ruins of an ancient city. Tidus stands up and walks to the edge. He begins a self monologue but ends up falling to the water below… the group later goes to check up on him and find him crying in waist deep water… Woah Deja Vu!!!

Later on, the sun has now gone down.

Tidus: And then I had the sex with Rikku.

Yuna: What?!

Rikku: It was awesome.

Tidus: And then we....

Yuna: No, no more stories. Let's get going.

Tidus: Alright. (dramatic music plays. Yuna suddenly pulls a bunch of signs out from hammerspace and puts them up around the campsite.) What are those?

Yuna: Territory markers.

Lulu: They all say: "Yuna's happy place. Intruders will be horribly raped."

Yuna: Yes. And they will be. If anybody comes to this place, I will PMS on them.

Auron: These ruins don't belong to you, you can't enforce a no-visitor rule on them.

Yuna: The hell I can't! This place is VERY special to me!

Auron: Why, just because the kid fell in the water here?

Yuna: Exactly!

Auron: You make no sense Yuna.

So after Yuna finished setting up her signs, they all got moving again. Then they fought through a long stretch of random encounters. I sure hate those stupid encounters, so we'll skip them. That'll work nicely.

And then they arrived at the Zanarkand Dome gate.

Tidus: Hey it's the sphere pool! Interesting how these things ended up back full circle, isn't it? (everyone else give shim weird looks.) You guys are tossers. Security! (The badly damaged statues come to life again and feebly beat the party around a little.) Be nicer next time!

And then some old and feeble ghostly guy appears.

OaFGG: Hello summoner, well done on making it so far.

Yuna: Hi Trema.

OaFGG: I'm not Trema. I'm just using the same avatar.

Yuna: Okay.

OaFGG: Looks like you came a long way. Good. Go see Yunalesca. I have limbo to attend to.

So they enter the dome, where they see some more ghosts. This time it's a bunch of female warriors.

Female warrior 1: If somebody has to give up their lives, let it be me, so you can rid Spira of Sin, Lady Yocun! And then I get to be the evil whale! It works all around.

Then the camera started going crazy and zooming in on characters all over the place at apparent random.

Rikku: Who was that?

Tidus: Random crusader, didn't you see them?

Auron: No these were our predecessors.

Lulu: She guarded High summoner Yocun?

Auron: You see, it's like a sphere here. Thoughts get trapped, forever.

Tidus: Sucks to be them.

Zombie monks: Brains...

Wakka: Apparently it revives the dead too.

So they go zombie bashing. Remember, always destroy the head, that usually works. Not like turning to Snakes...

Continuing on, they next see Seymour and his mommy in ghosty form.

Seymour: No mommy, no! Don't become a Fayth!

Tidus: So, this was before he go the bishi sparkles.

Rikku: And his gut wasn't hanging out here.

Seymour's mommy: Sorry son guy, but I have to do this so people will accept you. Use my power and defeat Sin!

Seymour: No mommy! Without your moral guidence I might because an evil priest who's trying to destroy the world with a whale and walks around with his gut hanging out! And I'll be passed over in Dissidia for some drunkard who's not even necessarily evil!

Seymour's mommy: But you'll be accepted, so it'll be just OK.

Yuna: She really ought to have listened to him.

Continuing on, next they find the younger Jecht, Auron and Braska.

Jecht: Hey Braska, you don't have to do this! But please do it anyway, otherwise I won't have an Ex Form for Dissidia.

Braska: Alright Jecht.

Jecht: Well I said my piece.

Younger Auron: You gave up to easily.

Jecht: Hey, I need my Final Aeon form, or else Esper Terra, God Kefka or Tree Exdeath will run right over me!

Braska: So, do you have anything to say Auron?

Younger Auron: No. Move along.

Braska: Good. Time to be a hero!

The three images run ahead, the heroes following. They come upon the entryway of the cloister of trials.

Jecht: Are there trials here too?

Braska: Yeah.

Jecht: Man, you know I hate thinking...

Braska: Yeah, that's why Auron's doing it.

Younger Auron: Jerks, both of you.

Braska: We love you too.

Auron: They always made me do the trials.

Yuna: Well I also hate thinking, so do the trials Auron.

Auron: Jerk, you.

So Auron does the trial, surprising everyone with his amazing skills of agility as he dashed back and forth across the trials grounds, carting around those dumb orbs and stepping on those dumb floor pannels. After he finished, all the lights went out.

Tidus: (girly squeal. Grabs onto Yuna.) I'm afraid of the dark!

Yuna: Back off femboy!

And then the Spectral Keeper and it's MASSIVE scythe arms floated in.

Yuna: Don't worry guys, I'm sure this guy casts magic only.

SK: (Slices Yuna open.)

Yuna: Well, I stand corrected. Come out Bahamut!

Bahamut flies in dramatically, roars and lands on one of the platforms. And then it got blown up by a mine.

Tidus: That was dissapointing.

SK: (Slices Yuna open, again.)

Yuna: Why does he keep attacking me?!

SK: (Slices Yuna open, again.)

Tidus: Maybe he doesn't like you?

Mint Adnade: Please kill him soon, sewing Yuna back closed is getting tough!

Wakka: Wait, why is she here, ya?

Lulu: Since Yuna refuses to be a White Mage, we needed a new one.

Tidus: We may as well have taken Arche too.

Lulu: I'm still a black mage.

Tidus: Arche can fly. And she fucks like a tiger, apparently.

SK: (Slices Yuna open, again.)

Auron: Oh yeah, let's get back to the fighting. (Attacks crazily)

SK: (Counter Attack. You know what comes next...)

Auron: I guess we gotta try moving. Yuna, go over there, he seems focued on you! (points away from the rest of the group)

Yuna: Is that you moooommmmmyyyyy?

Tidus: (Throws Yuna away.) Good thing Laharl taught me how to pick up and throw my allies!

So they party continually pummeled on the Spectral Keeper until it rolled over.

Tidus: So, how's Yuna?

Mint: She's been turned to what we in the Clerical community like to refer to as "mush". But I can patch her up... in a few hours.

Auron: Good enough. We wait.

Tidus: Ever notice that Plasma Night tends to abbreviate the boss fights?

Rikku: Well at least he didn't cut off a third of the story like the Tales of Phantasia OVA did to the game.

Wakka: Well at least they didn't change the age when the gods died to some battle between Australian Marsupials.

So several hours they wait, until Yuna was more of less back to normal, if normal meant sewed up like Sally and leaking bodily fluid from some areas.

Mint: She'll be fine within a few days!

Tidus: You sure?

Mint: Or weeks. Does it matter?

Yuna: Oh yay. Well I'm going on alone. Sayonara Suckers. (goes down the elevator)

Tidus: I hope she gets horribly raped.

Jecht: What do you mean no Final Aeon! Now how am I supposed to survive Terra when she becomes a fury?!

Yuna returns.

Yuna: Sir Auron! Oh, and the rest of you, come with me!

Auron: See, I'm special.

So they all go down the elevator, and file down the long narrow corridor into the chamber of the fayth, where they find the Fayth statute all smashed up and cruddy.

Yuna: This isn't a fayth, it's an empty statue!

Tidus: Well, do you think? It's kinda crushed and all.

Then OaFGG shows up.

OaFGG: That statue lost it's power as a Fayth long ago. It is Lord Zaon, the first Fayth of the final summoning. Unfortunately his soul was taken by the weak bug thingy - Uhh I mean... his soul went out for a donut break and never returned.

Tidus: That lazy Fayth!

Auron: He must be exceptionally fat by now.

OaFGG: Luckily Lady Yunalesca will show you the way. Go on ahead, she's waiting for you.

So they do, coming upon a room that is NOT broken down and crappy. I guess Yunalesca's room can be nothing but immaculate, even if her husband has to deal with a piller being positioned on his statue. Then Yunalesca and her ridiculous amount of exposed skin shows up.

Yuna: My god, if she was waiting for us, she could have worn more than freaking metal bikini!

Tidus: I disagree, I'm loving this.

Wakka: Me too, ya.

Yunalesca: Hello, summoner, you've completed your pilgrimage. Now then, go ahead and choose who I will change. One of your guardians must be changed into the Final Aeon, so that your bond can conquer Sin, and then you'll be horribly murdered by your possessed former bodyguard. How ironic.

Auron: Hah. I knew it had nothing to do with broken bonds.

Yunalesca: Your father, Lord Braska, chose this path. Now, go ahead and choose, and I'll be waiting.

As she leaves, the ghostly Auron, Jecht and Braska return. I guess it took the previous Auron a long time to complete the trials or something...

Braska: Now then, I'm going off to become a badass overlord summoner hero.

Yuna: Wow, egotism must run in my family.

Braska: Who wants to be the Fayth?

Jecht: Ooh! Me, me! Choose me! Choose me, c'mon!

Braska: Okay... Jecht.

Younger Auron: Why Jecht? Don't you want to live and see your son again?

Jecht: Oh I will, Because I have epic battles to fight across worlds against the likes of Cloud Strife, Cecil Harvey, Terra Branford, and him too.

The party glares at Tidus.

Yuna: They chose you and not loveable me?

Jecht: And then there's the whole thing about giving my life meaning and all that, but mostly, I just wanna have a demon form.

Younger Auron: You jerk. What about breaking the Sin cycle?

Jecht: Oh I will. I've got a diabolical plan! (Laughs maniacally.)

And then they all vanish

Auron: Unfortunately but not surprisingly his plan failed. And then he went on to fight those epic battles and left me to watch you brats.

Tidus: I'll break it! Make me the fayth, Yuna! That way I also get a demon form to fight the Cloud of Darkness with! (laughs maniacally)

Lulu: CoD?

Tidus: She's the only girl on the villains' side... well, next to Ulti anyway, and that's just creepy.

Wakka: No, make me the Fayth Yuna!

And so the party started cueing up to be Fayth-itized, except for Auron and Rikku, who were arguably the only smart people in the group anyway.

Tidus: Wait a minute, I just realized me being Faythed would result in Yuna's death! I change my mind.

Wakka: Look, you wanna keep Yuna alive and beat Sin? That's just not gonna happen brudda!

Tidus: Your a quitter! I won't give up!

Lulu: If you want everything, you'll end up with nothing.

Tidus: But I want everything!

Lulu: Does that include a Flare from this woman?

Tidus: I'll cast Indignation on your pale and belt-wearing butt if you try it woman! Now get back in the kitchen!

Lulu: Yes sir. (Does so.)

Wakka: I'm still having trouble with it.

Kimahri: (buries him in an inversed fashion in the floor with his legs pointing at abnormal angles)

Wakka: This time it hurts, ya!

Tidus: So Yuna's not dying, got it? (evil glare)

Auron: Kid, Rikku, I and Kimahri are with you, Wakka's in the floor and Lulu's in the kitchen, and Mint is standing there very confused because she knows nothing of these events. Nobody who matters is against you now.

Yuna: Aww but I wanna be a High Summoner too.

Tidus: You can, but first we've gotta go speak with Yunalesca.

Yuna: She'll probably be violent of our decision.

Tidus: Cool, then we kill her too.

Yuna: Alrighty then. There can only be one Yuna in this world.

So they go on ahead, to talk with Yunalesca. Or badly maim her. Maybe even both.

* * *

See, I'm still alive! I bet I surprised you all!

* * *


	37. Who saw this coming?

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 37: Well who saw this coming?

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but maybe somebody out there does.

* * *

**Zanarkand Ruins: The Beyond:  
**

The party arrives in Yunalesca's room, which is actually a floating platform with spacial bodies flying around.

_The high lady of Yevon just can't be expected to have a room that obeys the laws of physics..._

And then Yunalesca showed up, in all her slutty glory.

Yunalesca: So then, who's getting transmorgrified?

Yuna: Question first.

Yunalesca: You know that seeking knowledge is against the teachings of Yevon, you only need know what you need to know.

Yuna: Question or nobody's getting changed, name-stealing slut!

Yunalesca: Fine, what?

Yuna: Will Sin come back if I do this?

Yunalesca: Yup. Every Aeon that defeats it, becomes Sin.

Tidus: So that's why dad got a demon form! I have to contend with being hasted. And being hasted is nothing compared to being an evil tree, an angelic god, a fiery demon or a naked fury.

Yuna: A what?

Tidus: I haven't done anything with Terra!!!

Party: (Shocker)

Wakka: Hah! I knew it! Yevon was lying to us all this time! This is EXACTLY why you guys should have turned to The Force with me!

Lulu: But the teachings state we can get rid of Sin through complete atonement! It's been our only hope, all these years!

Auron: Oh dear god Lulu. You had to mention the "H" word...

Tidus: Hentai?

Auron: No, "Hope." That bitch has perverse sexual lust for hope.

Yunalesca: You bet I do! It's so comforting. Summoners bring hope to Spira, so they don't drown in their sorrow.

Tidus: So, what if Sin kills us all then?

Yunalesca: Then they'll die in hope, and it will be alright. (nods)

Tidus: You've gotta be kidding me. If you had at least said it's necessary to hold Sin off so he doesn't get free rain to slaughter us, you'd at least have some reason to your statement, but this nonsence about hope is just ludicrous.

Yunalesca: Do NOT knock hope you non-believer!

Tidus: That's it! You go die now! (charges)

Auron: No!

Suddenly a pair of holograms appear, Auron's younger self and Yunalesca.

Younger Auron: I thought that if Braska died, Sin would stop, but instead Jecht got to be in Dissidia! All I got was Kingdom Hearts 2, and I was an emo in that!

Yuna: At least you weren't a fairy! I'll never get over that!

Rikku: Me either!

Tidus & Wakka: We were only mentioned in the sequel!

Lulu & Kimahri: We didn't get to be in at all...

Previous Yunalesca: Sorry sucker, you should have thought of that sooner, hope hope hope.

Younger Auron: Hope on this! Leeeeeerrrrrroooooyyyyy! (charged)

Previous Yunalesca: And, no. (sparkly sparkly attack, pwns Younger Auron.)

Younger Auron: (Goes flying, fades with Previous Yunalesca.)

Yunalesca: Now, who will renew Spira's hope?

Yuna: No, I've heared enough. The fem-guy is right, you're a liar and a con artist who spreads false hope, but worst of all, you stole my name, and that's unforgivable.

Yunalesca: No! The Final Summoning is our only hope! You're father gave his life to bring hope to the people!

Yuna: Wrong. My father... my father wanted to become famous! Not cover up Spira's sorrow with lies! And so, I'll do the same! I'll become every bit as famous, awesome and sexy a summoner as him, and I'll do it without your slutty, slutty lies!

Yunalesca: I've had enough of your backtalk you tramp! Now you die!

Auron: Now is the time! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrows! Your fate is in your hands!

Rikku: What about yours?

Auron: Uhm... well... that is...

Kimahri: Yuna requires my abilities, and so I shall protect her with all my mig-

Yuna: Get the water ready, quick!

Kimahri: Yes, Miss Yuna...

Wakka: And now we can defeat this false prophet!

Lulu: My thoughts exactly!

Tidus: Yuna, this is our story, so let's go together!

Yuna: This is my story!

Mint: I'm just here for the food.

So they run forward to face Yunalesca. She opens it up by bitch slapping somebody. Then Yuna began casting Reflect on her allies, one after another. Then they dashed forward to attack.

Yunalesca: Take that! (Blind. Reflected. Immune.) What the heck?

Wakka: I expect a fight and looked you up on Gamefaqs! The reason it took Plasma Knight so long to come out with this new chapter is because we had to go all over Spira, grinding our abilities in such a way as you would be a whimp, ya.

Yunalesca: That's impossible! (Absorb)

Auron: Ouch, that kinda hurt.

Mint: Ressurection!

Auron: And now I'm better.

And so they wail on Yunalesca for a while longer until she decides she's had enough.

Yunalesca: That's it, I've had enough! Now watch me transform!

So her hair become some kinda of evil tentacles that pick her up off the ground.

Auron: That's a transformation? She just pulled herself up a few feet.

Yunalesca: Taste hellbiter!

Some evil skully snakey things shoot up out of the ground and nibble at the party's side for a while... doing nothing.

Tidus: We got Zombie proofed armour too.

Yunalesca: Damnit!

So they fight for a while, Yunalesca casting Cure spells and Regen buffs on them because she's locked in her AI routine, until her HP expired.

Yunalesca: If this does not work...

So she transformed again, this time a giant evil Medusa head popping up out of the ground.

Rikku: Now she's got some... crazy... head thing... well whatever it is, I'll be seeing it in my nightmares.

Then she cast Mega Death, which did nothing.

Yuna: And Death-proof too. And Confuse-proof, just in case you tried Mind Blast.

Yunalesca: Nothing's going right here!

Tidus: Yeah, sucks to be you. Sayonara!

Tidus jumped on top of the evil Medusa head and dashed over to Yunalesca, where he plunged his sword into her chest.

Tidus: Metal Bikini still working out for you?

Yunalesca: No, not really.

Auron: My my kid, such wanton destruction.

Tidus: She was getting on my nerves.

And then the evil Medusa head faded away, leaving Yunalesca in her normal busty and exposed form. And she was crouched over in pain in the center area.

Yunalesca: If I die... the Final Aeon dies. And with it, Spira's only hope.

Yuna: Die monster! You don't belong in this world!

Yunalesca: It is not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. It was brought back by _humans_ who wish to pay _me_ tribute!

Yuna: Tribute? You steal men's souls, and make them your slaves!

Yunalesca: Perhaps the same could be said of all religions!

Yuna: Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!

Yunalesca: What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets! But enough of this! ...I'm outta here. (fades away)

Yuna: And so there is only one Yuna again. And all was right with the world.

Tidus: So now let's go find Spira a new hope! But first I'm picking up my Sun Sigil so I don't have to fight Dark Bahamut.

So they do, and then they leave. Out in the next room, everything becomes crappy.

_Yunalesca must have a nice room, even if it's an illusion she created._

Auron: Hey kid, it's story time.

Tidus: Not interested.

Auron: How about we pretend we already had the fight and you're dying on the ground?

Tidus: Okay.

Auron: Now then, on with the story. I'm dead.

Tidus: Yeah I guessed as much. You made it kind of obvious with the whole "beaten by Yunalesca" scene.

Auron: Yeah, she kicked the crap out of my, and I crawled all the way down Gagazet.

Tidus: Holy hell, that's epic!

Auron: Damn straight. And I got passed over for you in Dissidia...

_Auron in Dissidia would equal awesome. At least we got green-haired Terra, and no Vaan. Gabranth, not Vayne or Vaan! How delicious, nobody saw that coming! But now Plasma Knight almost wished we got Basch too._

Auron: Anyway, I crawled down Gagazet, and then ran out of strength outside Bevelle.

Tidus: That sucks! Inches away from medical help!

Auron: Actually I ran into Rin on the way... I probably could have lived If I stayed with him for more than a day. Anyway, I saw Kimahri there and asked him to handle Yuna.

Tidus: You asked a giant blue tiger who talks funny to watch a little girl?

Auron: I was dying and out of options, jeez man! Anyway, being dead comes in handy.

Tidus: Because you can evidently still get the crap kicked out of you by the enemies we meet?

Auron: Ye - no! What I mean is I could ride Sin to your Zanarkand.

Tidus: And I could ride it back, and I'm alive... well technically anyway.

Auron: You don't care why I came to Zanarkand?

Tidus: I suppose you won't let me get out of it either way.

Auron: Exactly. See how nice it is when you don't fight it?

So Auron conjures up some ghostly memories of himself and the drunk guys who parented the two emo teens on our story.

Jecht: Hey Auron, do me a favor would you?

Younger Auron: Sure, what?

Jecht: Keep an eye out for my whiny kid. I'll be busy fighting epic battles against Cloud and Cecil.

Younger Auron: Sure, I suppose, but how am I supposed to reach your Zanarkand?

Jecht: I'm sure you'll find a way.

Braska: Watch out for my daughter too?

Younger Auron: Anything else you guys want me to do?

Braska: Pick up my dry cleaning for me too.

Younger Auron: Damnit, that's it! In you go! (pushes them into Yunalesca's room. Visions fade)

Tidus: Was there a point to that?

Auron: Point was they were deadbeats. Leaving both you brats for me to deal with, honestly. I'm thankful I ran into Kimahri on my way down Gagazet so he could deal with Yuna, but I still got the eviler of two evils.

Tidus: I was that bad?

Auron: Yes.

Tidus: (Emo moment.)

* * *

**Zanarkand Ruins**

The group exit the dome to find it inexplicably day time for the first and only time on the Zanarkand Ruins. And Sin was waiting for them.

Tidus: Jeez dad, you didn't wanna wait for us to kill you huh?

Silence. I suppose Tidus hears Jecht's voice in his head. He must be getting yelled at.

Tidus: Hey you don't have to talk to me like that! We'll find another way to kill you, so be good until then!

Sin nods and plods off. Then the Airship returns.

* * *

**Airship Fahrenheit**

_Plasma Knight spelled that without consulting Firefox spellcheck! Things are looking up!_

And Cid has the group arrayed on the deck for questioning.

Cid: Well aren't we all so happy?

After a dialogue-less scene in which Yuna said something to Cid we didn't get to hear, Cid was left in tears. I like to assume she told him she was pregnant with Rikku's daughter. It's bound to happen.... just as soon as Spira develops a way for two females to mate. So those were tears of joy, because Rikku found a nice man-err girl, and he was going to be a grandpa. And then Tidus was left to his own devices.

Tidus: So what now?

Lulu: Go away. We don't know yet.

Tidus: Oh fine! (goes away)

And so Tidus wandered aimlessly around the airship, until he eventually encountered Yuna and Kimahri.

Yuna: You know, I'm no good.

Tidus: Okay, what'd you do with Yuna?

Yuna: I'm just trying out humble for once.

Tidus: Oh.

Yuna: But in all honesty, I don't know much beyond the teachings do I?

Tidus: Well they don't teach summoners common sense. They said that many times.

Yuna: Yeah, too bad. Some common sense might come in handy in two years.

Kimahri: I might suggested a strategem.

Yuna: Shut up, water boy.

Kimahri: No, miss Yuna! I won't be pushed around anymore! I have feelings too!

Tidus: Woah. Nice job asserting yourself big guy.

Kimahri: Why thank you. Now for my plan: Mika knows a great deal, we should capture and interrogate him.

Tidus: That'll work.

Yuna: Not a bad plan. Now get me some water!

Kimahri: Yes, miss Yuna... (walks off sadly)

So Tidus returns to the bridge when...

Wakka: The force gave me a revelation!

Rikku: No, It was my idea!

Lulu: We-

Wakka: Go back in the kitchen Lu!

Lulu: Oh fine. (returns to the kitches)

Mint: We use the Hymn of the Faith.

Rikku: Awww.

Tidus: What gave you that idea?

Mint: I heard them talking.

Rikku: Well remember back at Macalania? How Sin was listening quietly to the Hymn? You're dad likes it right?

Tidus: Not bad. But first we have a trip to Bevelle. Otherwise we won't be allowed anywhere 'til we do, so it's a nice place to kick off our world-tour of sidequests. To Bevelle Cid!

Cid: Yeeeeeehaw, here we go!

Tidus: Don't do that again, please.

Cid: Oh fine.

* * *

Just like Tidus said, it's Bevelle next and then a world-tour of all sorts of Sidequests I haven't yet handled. Look forward to it!

* * *


	38. The chapter Plasma didn't write

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 36: Listen to my story, again.

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here...

* * *

Auron: So, where's Plasma Knight? His hundreds of fans want a new chapter.

Yuna: He bought Disgaea the other week... Things snowballed from there.

Lulu: He's probably level-grinding...

Tidus: So what now?

Auron: I guess we write this month's chapter ourselves.

Wakka: This'll be awesome ya!

* * *

**Bevelle:**

The sexy woman that made Succubi cry in inferiority, Yuna, beloved by all, walked toward the gates of Bevelle. Oh, the other guys followed her like the dogs they are. And then the Warrior Monks came out, and they worshiped her.

Yuna: I'm here to see Mika. Let him know I arrived.

Warrior Monk: Yes mistress, anything for you!

They went in, gratefully skipping that part with that lesser woman. I can't remember her name.

Shelinda:_ How could she forget lovable me?_

* * *

**Court Room:**

They were all back in the court room, where the beautiful Yuna once made her glorious defense of her actions, until those idiot priests decided she was wrong. And now they were dead, best out of four, as it should be for those who deny her gloriousness.

_Auron: That's it, you don't get to write anymore of this chapter, Yuna._

_Yuna: Why not?!_

_Auron: Your self-indulgence is almost as obnoxious as Stephanie Myer's insistence that Edward is hot._

_Yuna: That's pretty bad._

And then Mika showed up, ya? He might not have been so bad, but Yevon is much lesser religion compared to The Force.

_Tidus: Stop talking about The Force, Wakka!_

_Wakka: But I'm a Jedi, ya! I've gotta do it!_

Mika: What are you doing here? Go beat Sin!

Auron: Can't, we killed Yunalesca. And I'm loving this.

Mika: What?! You just ruined Yevon!

Wakka: And so be it, ya!

Mika: Now Yu Yevon spiral of death will consume us all!

Tidus: Well at least this guy's more worried about the "kill us all" aspect of Sin rather than the despair part. That makes him slightly more endurable than Yunalesca.

Yuna: Not to mention this guy at least didn't steal my name.

Rikku: You guys aren't even worried about Yu Yevon?

Yuna: He's probably a whimp.

Rikku: Well I care! Who's Yu Yevon?

Mika: He's the weak bug thingy who made Sin! With Sin, he's invincible! Destruction is inevitable, and I'm getting the **** out of here! (Vanishes)

Wakka: You're running, ya? A Jedi Master wouldn't run when the chips are down!

Tidus: Except that Yoda and Obi-Wan did indeed hide. And probably many more besides.

Shelinda shows up, ya? Poor silly girl, she should be a Jedi too, ya.

Shelinda: Where's the Grand Maester?

Everyone else: (Uncomfortable silence)

Auron: He hasn't shown up yet.

Shelinda: Oh, sorry. I'll go find him.

She left, and then Yuna and the new kid started talking to themselves, ya.

_Tidus: It's the Fayth kid, you can't see him._

Fayth: Come to my room.

Tidus: Alright, but I'll kick you again if you anger me!

* * *

**Chamber of the Fayth:**

Yuna and I walked into the Chamber of the Fayth, where that creepy kid who bothered he was floating around. The floating made me feel like kicking him again, but I stopped myself.

Yuna: Thanks for the Aeon.

Fayth: You don't use him.

Yuna: I know.

Tidus: So, we think we know how to stop Sin.

Fayth: Yeah?

Tidus: We think the Hymn of the Fayth might slow him down.

Fayth: Perhaps, but your Father might not hear it anymore?

Tidus: He's going deaf?

Fayth: No he's-

Tidus: He's been drinking so much it's killing his sense of hearing!!!

Fayth: No, that's not- (gets kicked in the groin)

Tidus: Shut up, I already understand.

Fayth: (wincing in pain) But you'll need more to stop Sin!

Several minutes passed while I thought. Yuna meanwhile just stood there, thinking she was so sexy. She did that a lot. Suddenly I had an inspiration!

Tidus: We think the Hymn of the Fayth might slow him down.

Fayth: You need more.

Tidus: Oh well... we'll have to come back later.

Fayth: Alright. Bye for now.

(A few hours later.)

Fayth: So, what have you come up with?

Tidus: We think the Hymn of the Fayth might slow him down.

Fayth: I'm not any more prone to say that'll work.

Tidus: Oh well... we'll have to come back later.

Fayth: Alright. Bye for now.

(A few more hours later.)

Fayth: So, what have you come up with?

Tidus: We think the Hymn of the Fayth might slow him down.

Fayth: (sigh) Try again...

Tidus: Oh well... we'll have to come back later.

Fayth: Alright. Bye for now.

(Even more hours later.)

Fayth: So, what have you come up with?

Tidus: We think the Hymn of the Fayth might slow him down.

Fayth: Damn it, you're some kind of idiot, you know that?!

Tidus: Oh well... we'll have to come back later.

_Plasma Knight literally does this. He finds it hilarious to keep suggesting the same thing over and over._

(Even more hours later.)

Fayth: So, what have you come up with? And don't even mention the Hymn!

Tidus: Uhm... nothing really, we just came to say "hi".

Fayth: Hi, now get out.

(So much later that Yuna decided to write the chapter again.)

Me and the fem-boy walked back into the Fayth's room, where he worshiped me where I stood. I could tell femmy over there was having trouble deciding just what to tell the Fayth, so I decided to save him, like I always do.

Yuna: We have to destroy Yu Yevon.

Fayth: Yes, thank you!!! And that's right, do that and It'll all end.

Yuna: See, I'm right.

Fayth: But, you're swords and magic won't be enough. Please call us during the fight.

Yuna: I never call you guys.

Fayth: Still, do it.

Yuna: (groan) If I have to.

Fayth: But once it's over...

Tidus: I know.

Yuna: Know what?

Tidus: Oh nothin'.

So we leave, that stupid Fem Boy was hiding something from me, I know it!

* * *

**Antechamber**:

We were all just about to leave when that lady Shelinda showed up! That's when I got an idea!

Rikku: Hey, could you do us a favor?

Shelinda: What is it?

Rikku: A ship in the sky will sing the Hymn of the Fayth. When that happens, everyone should sing along! And then we might be able to beat Sin!

Shelinda: Really? I'll tell everyone I see then.

Tidus: By all accounts, nobody should believe her...

* * *

**Airship Fahrenheit:**

All of us returned to the airship, and that kid decided to start talking again...

Tidus: So, we can go attack Sin now... but what should we do?

Lulu: It wouldn't be a Final Fantasy game without Side Quests.

Tidus: Yeah that's true... I guess we should get them taken care of.

Auron: Which ones first?

Tidus: Well...

Yuna: Moar Aeons.

Tidus: You don't even use them!

Yuna: Moar Aeons!!!

Tidus: Fine, more Aeons!

Wakka: Well let's go to Baaj. There's an Aeon there, ya.

Tidus: How do we know that?

Wakka: I looked it up on Gamefaqs. I really don't know how you're supposed to figure it out otherwise. But first we need to head back to Zanarkand, otherwise we'll just have to go there later on.

Tidus: We've gotta go back there!?

Wakka: For the destruction sphere, ya.

Tidus: The what?

Yuna audibly groaned at that point. I knew what was coming... I always do.

Yuna: You didn't pick up the destruction spheres in each temple?!

Tidus: No, why?

Auron: Great job, kid.

(several hours pass)

* * *

**Baaj Temple:**

Lulu: Really, I would have used a glowing purple sphere if I saw it.

Tidus: Purple's the color of your sphere grid. Of course you would!

Rikku: Oh, he just got you good Lulu!

Lulu: I thought you wanted to be like me?

Rikku: Oops. Sorry.

So we continued on, until we came to a hole in the section of roof we were crossing over. The kid, the Genki and Wakka leaped into the water, which means I don't get to write the chapter anymore.

_Yuna: My turn again, Sir Auron!_

_Auron: No, Yuna, you got it twice already!_

Rikku, Wakka and I went swimming down, and then I remember BUBCOD was still lurking in these water. And sure enough, like he was waiting for me, he appeared, with unusual abruptness. But this time I was ready! I swam toward him and introduced him to my sword and.... he ate me.

Rikku: Nice to see he's the object of a fish's fetish now.

Tidus: What!? Help, Rikku!

Rikku: You didn't exactly help me when that octopus was molesting me way back at the start of the fanfic!

Tidus: Sorry about that! If you let me out I'll date you instead of Yuna!

Rikku: Deal! We better get that fishy!

Wakka: Careful Rikku, Ya! If we kill it while it still has him inside, we all get killed!

Rikku: So, we should wait for it to spit him out?

Wakka: No, if we do that, we get killed and he gets reduced to one HP ya!

Rikku: (To Tidus) fight your way out!

Wakka: If he does that, he'll die instantly!

Rikku: This is getting ri-goddamn-diculous!!!

Wakka: Also, if it's Tuesday and it's rainy outside he'll shoot eye beams, killing us and erasing the save file.

Rikku: So, what do we do?

Wakka: We swing wildly.

Rikku: That's a relief.

So they swung wildly, killing BUBCOD. BUBCOD spat me out with such force that it apparently killed every last one of us. It really made no sense. Meanwhile Mint shook her head in frustration and cast revival spells on all of us. I do love it when we get to break the game rules, it would make no sense after all for everyone else to just watch us die and not lift a finger to help.

Yuna: But we cannot go on without you!

Tidus: Stop siting tropes!

* * *

**Baaj Temple Inside**

Tidus: How are the rest of you guys in here? None of you can swim.

Yuna: We jumped in your pocket when you weren't looking.

Tidus: Really?

Auron: That was one tight fit.

So we all lit the statues and entered the Chamber of the Fayth, where some woman appeared. She seemed kinda familiar...

Lulu: Hey it's Seymour's mommy who abandoned him to the world!

Auron: And see how he turned out, you didn't plan things out very well, did you?

Seymour's Mom: Unfortunately no. How was I to know a child without parental guidance and commanding the awesome power of Anima would go astray?

Auron: I wonder...

Seymour's Mom: Unfortunately Anima wasn't enough for him, and he decided he wanted Sin instead. Therefor, I'll give you Anima's power as well. Since that sluts already dead, I don't have to worry about you guys deciding to get power hungry.

Yuna: Oh boy, another useless Aeon.

_Naturally, Plasma Knight is aware that Anima is actually a really good Aeon._

* * *

**Calm Lands:**

Tidus: Since we've already got my Crest and Sigil, let's go get my sword now!

Auron: When do we get my stuff?

Yuna: Don't worry, Sir Auron, we can go beat up an rob the Monster of Mass Destruction man, and then we'll have your Sigil and my Nirvana.... which I probably won't use.

So we all headed for the caved in section way out in left field of the Calm Lands, trying to get my sword, only for some crazy guy to stop us.

Wakka: We gotta beat that Chocobo Woman in a race to get him to move it.

Tidus: She's busy being incarcerated.

Auron: Oh this is repugnant! (pushes the guy off the cliff)

Tidus: That works.

So we went to get my ultimate weapon, Caldabog - Caladabaga - Cabananarama.... Ultima Weapon. Yes, my Ultima Weapon. That's what it's called.

After that we all went over to the Monster Arena to get Yuna's Nirvana and Auron's Sigil.

Arena Man: Hi, I made a new terrible fiend to fight. Wanna give it a shot?

Yuna: No, we enjoy life. And, we decided we don't care anymore if people call us whimpy kiddy baby whiners, were taking your stuff after all.

Arena Man: You guys all suck.

So we robbed him and tried to get away with our recently acquired loot, only for the Arena man to unleash his creatures on us. Needless to say, the Arena Man got his stuff back and we got a complimentary ass-kicking.

Tidus: Guess we gotta do this the hard way...

Yuna: I at least got my Nirvana for doing the Fiends around here.

Rikku: Didn't Plasma Knight kill all the Malboros?

Yuna: Yes, but I wrote them back in the story. No way am I letting that guy's petty revenge get in the way of my getting an awesome weapon I'll never use. And now, since I have my Crest and Sigil, we can fix up my weapon too.

Tidus: I never picked up the Moon Crest!

Yuna: Damnit, why not? It's my thing, you have to do everything in your power to make me happy!

Tidus: I never found it!

Wakka: It's hidden out in left field in Besaid.

Tidus: All the way back there??

Wakka: Yup.

Auron: We've got other things to do. I think I'll hang on to this Rusty Sword though. It'll come in handy some day, I'm sure.

The rest of us gave Auron strange looks.

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Plasma: Yes, I finally reached level 200 or thereabouts with everyone! Now I just gotta raise some people to level 2000 and Priere's sexy body is mine! And then so is the rest of her! I can't help but think I'm forgetting some obligation of mine though... Oh well, It'll stop bothering me after a few more hours of killing my social life.

* * *

How'd this chapter get here, I didn't write it!

* * *


	39. National Lampoon's Spiran Vacation

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 39: National Lampoon's Spiran Vacation

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: Even now, Final Fantasy ten doesn't belong to me. You'd think a four year parody would entitle a man to something.

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Auron: So, you're going to write this chapter?

Plasma: Yeah, I got Priere's sexy body... but then Disgaea kind of went down hill. Just grinding and strengthening myself with no immediate goal in sight drags on. I can easily kill Lamington anyway no matter how many Stronger Enemies bills I force through. I guess my only true goal was getting Pirere in the first place... which says something about me...

Auron: Good then.

* * *

**Luca:**

_To all the Nay-sayers, Miyu is a much better Goalie than Jumal. Always. I mean it._

Tidus: Why'd we come here?

Wakka: May as well get all my things first. Pretty easy stuff ya?

Auron: That'll take hours.

Wakka: I really want my World Champion!

Lulu: We can't stop for this Wakka.

Auron: Look who's talking, miss two hundred bolts!

Lulu: *Shamed*

Wakka: If you guys let me stop here, I'll stop talking about the Force until our journey is done, ya.

Tidus: Deal.

Yuna: Absolutely.

_Many Hours Later_

Wakka: Done, ya! Check out my shiny new World Champion and all my reels!

Tidus: Guess we better swing around to Besaid first for Yuna's Moon Crest, then we can explore Spira to pick up all the stuff we missed.

* * *

**Besaid Island:**

Tidus: Honestly, who would guess the Moon Crest was back here?! That's a guide dang it if I ever heard of it!

* * *

**Mushroom Rock Road:**

Auron: Here's a better one kid, who'd have thought to do all this to get my sword? Or to pick up my Mars Crest back at the end of the Highroad?

Rikku: My Godhand was pretty far out of the way too. Lucky Yunie used her super jumping skills to get it for me

Wakka: Now we just gotta capture Fiends for your Sigil, ya.

Auron: And capture them we will... once we actually find those elusive Simurghs...

* * *

**Guadosalam:**

The gang arrives to find Tromell standing there at the entrance, as if awaiting them.

Tidus: Hey... (stalls) you. Who were you again?

Tromell: Does it matter? Lord Seymour is gone! Boo Hoo! I have to go and mope now.

The gang found out that everyone else was in a mopy mood too. Instead of fixing their problems, the Guado just chose to run away. Just like Elves. So much for their superiority, eh?

* * *

**Macalnia Woods:**

Kimahri: Now, the time has come accomplish my task. I acquired up my Legendary Spear back in the Thunder Plains, advisory booklet curse it that it was, and am ready to accost Butterflies.

Tidus: Come on waterboy, we have more important things to be getting on with!

Kimahri: But my Sigil! I need it!

Yuna: We can come back for it... after Sin's dead.

Kimahri: I've been tricked again....

* * *

**Bikanel Island:**

The gang was once again wandering the sand trap that Cid had once decided made a good home. And then they came upon the Cactuar Monolith.

Tidus: Hey, let's go hunt Cactuar!

Yuna: No, that's a terrible idea.

Tidus: What could go wrong?

_Several hours of hunting later._

Tidus: Man, who knew Cactuar were so difficult to hunt? (Inserts last sphere. Great Haboob goes falling down (repeat 2X) my fair lady...)

Yuna: I sure hope that doesn't cause trouble in the future.

-Meanwhile-

Angra Mainyu: Yes! Revenge will be mine!... In two years!!

-Back to group-

Rikku: Yes, got my Sigil! Hey, can we stop by home again? I want to look at it one last time.

Tidus: Is that appropriate?

Rikku: I must. For my peace.

Tidus: Alright then.

So they went back to home, sneaking by the two guys in the way. And when they got there, they noticed a fairly decent amount of fighting going on at a large structure up ahead.

Rikku: Aww no. Yevon's blasting us into oblivion, just like I said. Wait a minute, didn't we already do this?

Tidus: But Yuna's still here.

Yuna: Thank Yevon. The story falls to hell without me.

So the go inside, see Kayaku die, meet Cid, all those good things.

Rikku: Seriously, this is such Deja Vu...

Wakka: I guess we teleported backward in time. Like Eragon does, ya.

Tidus: He does?

Wakka: Paolini gives him every other power in the book to fight the "evil" Empire, I'm sure it'll happen eventually.

_Many Hours Later..._

* * *

**Calm Lands:**

After finally doing everything AGAIN, the party returns to the Calm Lands.

Auron: Rikku, we are not going back to home again! Ever! We've fought Seymour five times now, and Yunalesca twice!

Yuna: Actually I enjoyed killing that name usurper twice.

Tidus: What's next?

Auron: We cash in for my sigil and Yuna's Nirvana... provided we didn't already do that.

_Plasma actually forgot if that was done already, and he's not checking for it._

After doing that, they recall that there was a temple out in left field, so they went back there.

Yuna: Well we finally have both the items for this Aeon. Mayhap this one will actually be useful?

Auron: Only one way to find out.

So Yuna goes inside, picking up the useless useful Magus Sisters.

Tidus: So what's left? We've finished mine, Yuna's, Wakka's, Auron's and Rikku's legendary weapons, and we've got all the Aeons.

Kimahri: We've still got mi-

Wakka: Quiet, water boy.

Mint: We can get my ultimate staff.

Tidus: You've got one?

Mint: Yes. I have the Uranus Sigil and Crest.

-Meanwhile-

Plasma: *Snicker* Uranus...

Priere: Wait, this guy is our boss?

DMG: Yup.

-Back to Party-

Arche: And mine are the Saturn items!

Auron: There's nothing dirty about Saturn.

Plasma: Seemed right somehow.

Lulu: Wait, why did you guys let the pink-haired witch in?!

Tidus: Well, your Ultimate weapon is incredibly hard to get, and you and Yuna are generally better with home-made weapons anyway... not to mention we never use you in a fight anymore.

Rikku: At least I'm irreplaceable.

Suzu: Hi there! I'm you're new kunoichi! I may be eleven, but I'm the best Ninja in my clan.

Rikku: What?! She's a Ninja, and younger than me?! I don't want competition! She isn't even a Genki Girl!

_Genki Girl means perky girl. Like Haruhi Suzumiya. Only less psychotic. BTW, this Suzu is not Haruhi, it's Suzu Fujibayashi._

Tidus: Seymour was right, Thieves shouldn't be Genki Girls.

Rikku: I'm not going to stand for this! She can't even steal things!

Tidus: She summons a giant frog. That's more than enough.

Yuna: Who else are we replacing?

Magus: I'm still here.

_That's Chrono Trigger Magus, remember him?_

Yuna: Awesome.

Tidus: Well I guess the only thing we can do now is head for the Omega Ruins.

Yuna: Well, wonderful, I always wanted my innards forcefully removed.

Tidus: You'll be right at home then!

* * *

**Omega Ruins:**

And so the party entered the surprisingly dangerous Omega Ruins, home to some of the cheapest Fiends in Spira. This is the point where you realize the game engine was designed so that it's simple to make enemies difficult for wrong reasons. For example, there's the floating bean thingy here that spews a poison smog that utterly cripples you. It does this when it wants to, which is usually when you hit it. Then there's the Great Malboro...

Great Malboro: Hi guys. (Ambush)

Tidus: How'd that ambush us?!

Great Malboro: Funny story....

* * *

**Konoha, two years ago:**

Iruka: Okay class, today I'll be teaching you basic stealth... any questions?

Great Malboro: You are an excellent teacher Iruka-sensai.

Iruka: These Malboro that Tsunade said I should train in the Ninja ways are much better students than those kids I used to have.

* * *

**Back to Omega Ruins...**

Auron: So you guys are Ninja?

Great Malboro: Only explanation really. (Bad Breath)

Tidus: You'd think someone would weaponize those guys.

Great Malboro: Already happened.

* * *

**Secret Island Research Facility, off the coast of Kanagawa, Japan, one year ago:**

Kurama: These Malboro are an excellent Bio Weapon.

Great Malboro: Thank you for your praise, Mr. Kurama.

Kurama: Lets see Lucy deflect their noxious fumes, or regenerate from their eye squirtings!

Director Kakuzawa: I change my mind, these guys are the next step of evolution! We'll purge Human and Diclonii alike and propagate them instead.

Great Malboro & Kurama: (stunned Silence.)

Great Malboro: On second though, we'll decline the job offer.

Kurama: You don't know how much I envy you guys.

* * *

**Back to Omega Ruins.... again...**

Great Malboro: I have more stories too... (Notices party is gone.) Those tossers! I thought they'd like to hear about that one time a squad of us were used as doubles for the filming of _Motteke! Sailor Fuku!_

_Several yards away..._

Yuna: Phew, we got away.

Great Malboro 2: (Ninja Ambush) Hi guys. Wanna hear about that time we fought for the Gurren Brigade?

Team: *Hasty retreat*

Great Malboro 3: We also fought for the Black Knights. And we remained true to Zero-Sama, unlike those traitorous ones Schneizel tricked.

_Several yards away... again..._

Tidus: Lets hope we see no more of their kind.

Rikku: Hey, it's a perfectly good treasure chest!

Suzu: Wait, it may be bugged.

Rikku: Quiet, usurper! I'm the thief of this party! (Kah-Steal)

Mimic: (Doesn't like Genkis. Kah-Rip)

Mint: (Kah-Revive)

Continuing on....

After a little more trekking, the group comes upon a ginormous scary fiend. It be Ultima Weapon.

Tidus: This is insulting, after everything we've fought this side boss is nothing before our might.

Galuf: They just don't make Weapons like they used to. The Weapons were deadly in my day! And when you killed them, you were happy with a Key Item that was only good for bragging rights!

Cloud: In my day, the Weapons were downright sadistic.

Tidus: In our's, they're just mildly irritating.

Ashe: Well, in the future, there'll be even BIGGER enemies than the Weapons, and they'll have fifty million HP!

Galuf, Cloud and Tidus: (Stunned Silence)

Ultima Weapon: I feel ashamed... I'm just gonna... go home now. (Weeps in a corner.)

And the party keeps going, eventually coming upon the real deal himself, with all his pathetic 99,999 hit point not-glory.

Tidus: Oh come on! Two storyline bosses beat that! That's no better than the pathetic bug thing you guys worship!

Omega Weapon: I don't like that. Super Nova!!!

Cloud: In my day, Super Nova blew up the damn Solar System! We didn't have this pansy big explosion nonsense, we got the freaking SUN going off in your FACE, and half the planets on the other side of Mars gone, just for good measure! Sometimes more than once mind you!

Omega Weapon: That's re-goddamn-ridiculous!

Galuf: Have YOU ever fought an evil sorcerer until you had negative one million HP? Have you, whippersnapper?

Omega Weapon: No, but-

Terra Branford: Did you ever fight an Emperor of Dragons and exhaust it's HP supply three times over, while it was throwing every high-level spell the game had at you, and one last Ultima too as a last gasp?

Omega Weapon: You guys are-

Ashe: Did you ever spend ten hours killing a dragon with Fifty Million HP?

Omega Weapon: Alright I get it-

Cecil: No you wont, and you never will. I had to deal with an Eldritch Abomination that simulated the creation of the Universe in your face over and over until it keeled over!

Plasma: Did you ever bring down a level 6000 Prinny God?

Priere: Niether did you.

Plasma: Don't tell them! That's a secret!

Trema: Did you ever bend the strongest Fiend in Spira to your will?

Tidus: We had to fight Penance for God's sake! You're nothing, man!

Auron: We haven't fought him yet.

Tidus: And I'm glad Plasma Knight doesn't have the International copy.

Omega Weapon: Okay... I get it... I'm a lame side boss -sniff-.

Yuna: Good, now go to the Farplane.

Omega Weapon: At least there I won't be outclassed.

Yuna: You're demoted to a random encounter in two years time.

Omega Weapon: NNNoooooooo!!! (Big No drifts off as he's sent)

Tidus: Well, thanks guys, it'd have been tough without any of you.

Terra: No problem.

Cloud: We're going back to our respective games though.

Tidus: Why?

Cecil: We came a realization.

Rydia: Simply put: Spira sucks.

Edgar: Exactly.

So all the other FF characters go back to their proper places. The party meanwhile takes an hour-long hike back to the Save Sphere. Remember how I ranted about how there's two Save Spheres in Bevelle, a minute's swim apart? I wish one of those were further on in the Omega Ruins :/

* * *

**Airship Fahrenheit:**

Lulu: So what's our next stop?

Tidus: Sin then.

Auron: Can it be?

Yuna: We have no more side-stops to make?

Tidus: No, all the important stuff is done.

Auron: Then our journey is nearly over.

Tidus: Yup. Just one last entry to make into The Guide...

* * *

Tidus called it, the story's nearly over. All that's left is the final encounter with Sin! Still that's a good two chapters probably. Stick with me for the end, kay?

* * *


	40. Kill Seymour: Volume 4

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 40: Kill Seymour: Volume 4

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here...

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Plasma: So, I watched AIR between updates. Nice enough anime, but I'm feeling relieved I never played the H-Game it was based off of. The thought of twenty-something Yukito doing intercourse with any of the high school female protagonists makes me cringe. On the other hand, this anime was bizarre to me because it was the first of anything I'd seen in which they make the main character unimportant to the plot before the series is done with.

Priere: I'm sure there's examples of that somewhere.

Plasma: Maybe so, but it happens about four episodes before the series ends, after setting up the first half of the series to lead you to suspect that Yukito's the main character and he'll fix Misuzu. But they don't even kill him off, they turn him into a damn Crow. If they wanted him gone, at least give him the dignity of death or put him on a bus, and not hopping around, squawking, trying to remember stuff, and be renamed after the main character of Kingdom Hearts.

Dark Magician Girl: Why do you care?

Plasma: I liked his character. He was the only person who realized how bizarre the other characters were that he had to deal with, almost like Kyon in a way. Deadpan snarkers are usually enjoyable, if only for sarcastic humor. Oh well, Here's what I really want to say: I have no plans to do a similar spoof to this one for FFX-2, BUT I do plan to do one for FFXII someday in the future. It won't be a for while, not until A Journey through light and darkness is nearly finished, but I'll get to it someday. So nobody beat me to it, damnit!

* * *

**Airship Fahrenheit:**

_The Magus Sisters suck. You'll see why soon._

Tidus: So, as we said in the previous chapter, we're finally ready to fight Sin.

Cid: So, what's the plan?

Tidus: We bust a hole in Sin!

Cid: Tried it, didn't work.

Tidus: Well, we've got a song to play.

Rikku: Right-o! (Plays the Hymn of the Fayth)

Wakka: Let's hope everyone got the message, ya?

Auron: Time to go shoot down a whale, children.

So they shimmy over to the deck, where the music suddenly gets very loud.

Tidus: Presumably everyone heard us. And Shelinda must have been passing out megaphones too, otherwise I doubt we could have heard them.

A sudden rumbling this way comes.

In A.D. 2102

War was continuing

Cid: What happen?

Mechanic: Someone set up us the gravity.

Operator: We get signal.

Cid: What?!

Operator: Main screen turn on.

Operator 2: We don't have main screen.

Operator: SOMETHING turn on.

Sin appears on-screen.

Cid: It's you!!!

Sin: How are you gentlemen!! All your Spira are belong to us!

Cid: What you say?!

Sin: You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive, make your time. Ha ha ha.

So Sin does a whole lot of shit with a ginormous ball of gravity, most likely throwing Spira's tide system out of whack, but few people care about such things.

Cid: I saw something shine at the base of Sin's arm! It's probably a weak point!

Auron: Logically, the weak point wouldn't draw attention to itself.

Cid: That's my plan, and we're sticking with it!

So the party moves (or gets drawn in, who cares about details?) to Sin, and prepare for the first step in the battle.

Yuna: To conserve our strength, we should start with a summon I think.

Lulu: Yuna's going to summon something?!

Rikku: I'm scared.

Tidus: Me too.

Yuna: I went through a lot of work for these bugs, they better do their job! (Summons Magus Sisters)

So, after a ten minute long summoning scene, the Magus sisters arrive.

Yuna: Go, my pretties, kill!

Cindy: (Taking a break.)

Mindy: (Taking a break.)

Sandy: (Reflect.)

Sin: (Smashy smash.)

Yuna: Okay.... that sucked. Do better this time.

Cindy: (Taking a break.)

Mindy: (Weaksauce basic attack.)

Sandy: (Decent basic attack.)

Sin: (Smashy smash. Then does it again for good measure, killing Mindy.)

Yuna: Ahh! Quick, do something!

Cindy: (Taking a break.)

Sandy: (Taking a break)

Sin: (Smashy Smash, for decent damage. Sandy dies.)

Yuna: DO SOMETHING, YOU DAMN IDIOTS!!!

Cindy: (Cure. Heals 100 HP)

Sin: (Smashy Smash, finishing Cindy.)

Yuna: Oh yeah, that's why I don't summon Aeons...

So the party just killed the arm themselves. Then the Airship pulls back to fire with the main gun. How that thing folds up like that, I'll never know. A better question is why they didn't use it on Evrae, come to think of it. So they go to attack the others side.

Yuna: This time I'll try my other new Aeon I think.

So she summons Anima. Anima proceeds to utterly discombobulate Sin's arm, proving once and for all that Anima is the best Aeon, and the Magus Sisters are weaksauce lazies. Oh yeah, Cid shoots off the arm. Then the gun breaks down. I blame poor maintenance.

Cid: Guess we gotta think of something else!

Tidus: Forget that, we'll just attack now!

Wakka: May the force be with us! (Jumps first)

_You read that right, Tidus has been getting manly lovin' from Wakka until now. Yuna was just a decoy._

Everyone follows behind, and then a new Sinspawn appears on Sin.

Tidus: This guy looks familiar.

Lulu: We fought something like this so many chapters back.

Wakka: Bad memories. (Shudder)

Auron: This time you have me. And when I say me, I mean Rayquaza. Too bad my Overdrive bar is empty though.

Tidus: Ehh, It doesn't matter. After all the sidequests we've done, we're overpowered anyway.

Yuna: Besides, the core is tossing around dinky level 1 spells. No challenge at all.

And the party proved correct. They simply muscled through Sinspawn Genais and Sin's core, causing Sin to fall, right on top of Bevelle. Take that Yevon! After that, the party meets on the Bridge again. They knew it wasn't over yet.

Tidus: It's not over yet!

See?

Cid: You've gotta be kidding me!

Rikku: But we're winning, so it's good.

Lulu: It has weakened.

Cid: Well, I'll get the main gun fixed.

Since Tidus had nothing better to do, he just ran out onto the deck to have a little chat with Yuna.

Yuna: I've got a feeling you've been hiding things from me.

Tidus: Hey, I had that same feeling about fifteen chapters back. At least my lies won't get us killed.

Yuna: Ouch.

Unfortunately it seemed right then that Sin wasn't ready to go down just yet and grew itself a pair of shiny shiny wings. The party quickly joined Tidus and Yuna on the deck to battle Sin once more. Unfortunately it seemed Sin was up to no good, because it started opening it's mouth. Slowly.

Auron: Watch out, he's using his ultimate attack!!!

Two hour later.

Auron: He's getting there.

Two more hours later.

Auron: Anytime now.

Cid: I'm tired of waiting. Get on with it!

Tidus: Couldn't agree more!

So they quickly defeated Sin despite it's massive HP count, causing a large wormhole of sorts to open up inside it's mouth. I don't really understand either.

Tidus: Obviously that's the way to go.

Wakka: Are you nuts, ya?

Tidus: Ya. That's the way! My instincts tell me.

Auron: Oh sure, why NOT going into the energy field in the mouth of the giant whale? Never mind that. I know that's the way to go, I know everything after all.

So they went right into Sin's mouth, into a rather psychedelic field of.... stuff. And Seymour's flaming eye. Weird stuff. Eventually they land on.... a very bizarre place. The party decided the best course of action would be to simply leg it through the watery place with no visible landmass they could just fall right through. Wow, these guys are bright. And on the way they encounter a strange set of fiends, from mushrooms and ginormous bats to armored guys and gigantic evil turtles.

And eventually the group ran into Seymour once again.

Tidus: Dear god, don't you ever give up?

Seymour: Sin has chosen me! I'm now part of Sin, forever! Immortal!

Tidus: You're beginning to sound more and more crazy each time we meet you.

Seymour: And now I shall learn to control Sin from within. But you infants must die first.

And so Seymour began to transform into some sort of weird energy thing. He'd probably be pretty darn awesome if he weren't holographic like that. And he summons a bunch of gigantic rings behind him as well.

Seymour: Alright you fools, this time my backup does nothing other than power me up! I won't have any further problems with getting backtalk or having to deal with complete stupidity on the part of my minions. Now you'll die!

And then the party began to blast him to smithereens with their awesome new abilities.

Seymour: How are you doing that?!

Tidus: Easily. You see, after Zanarkand there's some prime subquests to get around to, and the very fact that we were able to go through the Omega Ruins at all means that we're much more powerful than you are anyway. Not only that, but you're last form sucks compared to your previous ones anyway.

Seymour: Dammit, do not want!

Wakka: Send him and rid us of this headache already, Yuna.

Yuna: -exasperated sigh- gladly.

So she sent Seymour, finally bringing his bullheaded stubborness to a conclusion.

Seymour: Even after I'm gone, Spira's still gonna be in sorrow!

Yuna: Wrong Seymour, in two year's time Spira'll be a much better place without you!

Seymour: No! Really? Foiled again! (Vanishes)

Tidus: Now that he's finally out of our way, let's find dad already.

And so the party began their last march to find Jecht.

* * *

Phew Seymour's finally gone. The only thing left are the final encounters. Look forward to it.

* * *


	41. Daddy Issues

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 41: Daddy Issues

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here...

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Priere: So, what's Plasma's excuse this time?

DMG: And what's with all the new girls?

Priere: They're.... duplicates of each other. Busty Brunettes, wearing gaudy red silk dresses, both of them. It's very creepy.

Plasma: Hi ladies, meet Ailia Codex and Sarah Rax, my adoptive daughters.

Ailia & Sarah: Hi!

DMG: When did you get around to adopting daughters?

Plasma: Well, I went adventuring, and cut down the Prince of Darkness, who was having a waste-laying jamboree at a castle city. It seems that sort of thing is rewardable, even though he was sacking the kingdom on orders from God, with a gift of a nine-year-old naked loli, which I then raised to adulthood. That was Ailia, she became a dancer. And then I did it all again. That was Sarah, she became a Magician-Hero I swear, I don't understand the way Heaven works.

Priere: You raised TWO adoptive daughters you received from Heaven between updates?

Plasma: That's about why it took months for me to get around to doing it.

* * *

**Inside Sin:**

Having finally bested Seymour's whiny ass, the group are moving through a rather bizarre area.

Tidus: Why'd dad place a jumble of buildings in here?

Auron: Dunno. Look fast, Malboro!

Yuna: Quick, Sir Auron, switch in for me so I can call an Aeon to tank his bad breath!

Auron: No need, we weren't ambushed.

Yuna: Really?

Malboro: The Malboros of Sin are much lazier than our Omega Ruins brethren.

Auron: Glad to hear it. (Stabby.)

So the group explores the rather messed-up area, slaughtering fiends left and right. And then they promptly got a game-over when the Behemoth King took them down with it's final Meteor casting.

Yuna: Couldn't you guys just toss us a Phoenix Down?! The Behemoth's dead, there's no one to attack you!

Wakka: Didn't wanna risk it, ya!

And so they keep fighting, including those rather nasty rock-things that liked to curse them.

Rikku: I predict that in two years these guys will be a lot weaker.

Yuna: Rikku, HALF the difficult enemies we faced coming here will be a LOT weaker in two years.

Tidus: Great, you guys get the easy game...

Yuna: Stop whining, you never had to fight Angra Mainyu, Chac, Paragon and Trema!

Tidus: Good point.

Going on, going on. There's a lot of pointless treasure in this area, since you might just have the Celestial weapons by now.

Tidus: We're bored, can we find Dad now?

Fine.

So they wound up at the last save point of the game. Wait! The very last save point of the game, can it be? T_T We're almost there...

And then a tower fell from the sky, and the resulting shockwave snapped Tidus' spine like a twig. Or that would be logical. Instead it just knocked him rather comically on his ass. Not learning from his mistakes, Tidus walks up to the tower, where he suddenly feels very woozy and begins to seem like he's been drinking too much recently. He finds himself in a rather messed-up ice field, full of ruins and junk, and with a bunch of evil icespikes rising from below to cause a random encounter on him. Not sure how that works out.

Tidus: I guess we gotta get those ice balls to leave! (runs for one.)

Camera Angle: Oh no you don't! (Incredibly unhelpful.)

Tidus: Wait, what?! (Runs into a Spike by mistake. Knocked-on ass again, random encounter.)

Evil Spellcaster Fiend Thingy: Hello mortals. Now, I'll charge up my ultimate atta-aaaagggghhh!!!

Yuna: The same rules as in Magic: The Gathering applies: If it takes you two turns to set up a spell or creature, you might get killed before it hits the field.

Evil Spellcaster Fiend Thingy: Well I'll learn that, and in two years I'll open with Haste!

Yuna: Oh sorry, by then me and my heterosexual female companions will be so brokenly powerful you'll die in a hit or two.

Evil Spellcaster Fiend Thingy: I just can't win!!!

Tidus: And now for another try! (runs for another ice ball)

Camera Angle: Lawl, no. (Screws him over.)

Tidus: Three times the charm? (Tries again.)

Camera Angle: Yeah, three times the charm for this random encounter to finish you! (Pwns him.)

-Several hours later-

* * *

**Dream's End:**

_Plasma Knight didn't even have to go on Wikipedia to know that was the title of the area. That's how awesome he is. Also, you may have noticed this series has little to do with the Titular guide anymore.... well, there's a Trope for that, and it's called Artifact Title, when the title no longer has much to do with the work in question. Dragon Ball Z suffers this, because the balls become rather unimportant later on. GT doesn't exist, so any attention it gives to the balls doesn't matter._

The party arrives, finding Jecht standing off in the distance. This is the first time we've seen him in person. And according to Dissidia, he's the villain of this game. I hate you, story team...

Jecht: Hey, you finally made it. I've only had to wait months.

Tidus: It took us a while...

Jecht: You're just lucky I was able to distract myself by going over my battles in the past with Terra, Ultimacia and the Cloud of Darkness.

Yuna: Sir Jecht's a pervert?

Jecht: Oh yeah, big time. Hmm, you grew up kid, but your all bones! You gotta eat better.

Tidus: Why do I suddenly feel like the titular character of Princess Maker 2, always getting her measurements done to see if the perverted guy at the helm likes her three measurements?

Raxis: I'll have you know, I'm NOT a pervert!

Ailia & Sarah: You gave both of us Bust Enhancing pills.

Raxis: That's supposed to be a secret!!!

Jecht: Anyways... you know... uhm...

Tidus: Yeah I know, we gotta fight it out.

Jecht: Excellent, just like the old days-

Tidus: Only I get my squad to back me.

Yuna: Technically it's-

Tidus: Quiet, Yuna. You're not important anymore, I'm the main character again. Dissidia says so.

Yuna: Aww...

So Jecht falls over backwards into the abyss, and climbs out as a huge flaming Balrog-thing. And just like a Balrog, it doesn't have wings.

Tidus: Woah. Anways, let's have it out!

And so the epic battle began. Jecht opened up by grabbing Lulu and petrifying her with his epic eye lazerz.

Jecht: Hey look, Lulu's... (snicker) hard!

Yuna: This was already done.

Wakka: Why is always Lu?

Rikku: She sheds many pebble tears.

Jecht: Well, I thought it was funny...

Yuna: Well, I could just summon my Game-breaker known as Anima, who could totally take down Sir Jecht all by herself, but that seems too easy. Attack wildly!!!

So they attacked wildly, and ended up the victim of Jecht's attacks while those piss-ant towers thingies kept pumping life back into him, and more importantly, wasting a half minute every time their turns came up.

Mint: Well guys, Lulu's still hard, Yuna's also hard, and more important broken in half from the waiste up (Good thing I have those siches still with me), and Auron's gotten drunk again. How about you actually fight smart and win before he beats you by attrition?

Wakka: Good idea! I'll take out the Towers, ya! (Takes the first out.) Ya! Score one for the Jedi Order!

Then the other tower got very pissed. Very pissed indeed. It took out it's newfound rage by casting multiple status ailments on the party and making a general meanie of itself.

Tidus: Gah! I liked this thing better when it was just healing Dad!

Wakka: Wait! He can be Zombified! Sir Auron, Zombie it!

Auron: If I can get back to my drink, sure. (does so.)

Rikku: Lord Guide this Phoenix Down! (Throws it.)

Phoenix Down: (Bounces off of Jecht's manly chest.)

Tidus: Darn, he's immune to life effects and healing.

Rikku: I'll never understand the Japanese, they made him vulnerable to Zombie, but immune to all the things you actually want to use when somebodie's been hit with Zombie?! What's the use!

Wakka: It causes the First tower's healing rays to hurt him, though it removes Zombie, so we just break even rather then let him get back 3000 HP each turn.

Jecht: Times up! I'm getting impatient over here! (Pulls a BFG out of his chest.)

Tidus: Holy hell! I'm totally used to that, because he did that before once in Dissidia, but it's still surprising.

Jecht: It shocked Terra too the first time I did it.

Tidus: Dear god, and since she actually gets naked in her Ex Form...

Suddenly, Terra herself appears on scene.

Terra: I heard what was going on. I didn't like it.

Jecht: Hey Terra! Long time no see!

Terra: Oh god, it's you.

Tidus: Uhh? We're kinda fighting here?

Terra: Die perv! (fights him.)

Jecht: (Fights back)

Party: (Watches stunned)

The battle drags on for several moments before Terra defeats Jecht, leaving him to explode into a glorious ray of light and reveal his normal form. Tidus abruptly dashes forward and cradles Jecht on his lap.

Auron: Gaaaaaay!

Yuna: (Looking like Sally again.) Auron!

Auron: What?

Yuna: Too soon.

Auron: But the game's almost over!

Yuna: It's always too soon to crack jokes at this loving relationship.

Tidus: Dad. I hate you!

Yuna: Can't you feel their unbridled love? It's the best thing this side of Edward and Bella!

_Plasma Knight naturally realizes that Tidus and Jecht have a more normal and honest relationship than those empty shells did, although it's not hard by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, their relationship makes some of the ones in freakin' Elfen Lied seem natural and wholesome._

Jecht: You don't sound very convincing.

Tidus: Yeah I know. All that practice over the years went to waste.

Jecht: Alright then. Time to get to business.

Yuna: Sir Jecht. I should-

Jecht: Yuna, there's no time! Call the Aeons!

_Presumably Yuna was about to suggest she either Send Jecht or Heal him or somethimg, because nothing else really seemed appropriate at the time._

And then suddenly, this red orb of vile intent came out and sort of crashed into the hilt of Jecht's massive chest sword. Rather abruptly, the party found themselves in the domain of Yu Yevon, the most powerful- aww hell, this guy's the biggest dissapointed this side of Shirtless Sephiroth...

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Priere: Wait, that's it? That was pretty short.

Plasma: I noticed by happy chance that this was chapter 41 of the story. This is the sort of coincidence that almost makes me want to believe in God. I'll end this with a 42-chaptered, Hitchiker's-based story. Isn't that magical?

Priere: Well, fancy that.

Plasma: Totally. See you next time everyone!

* * *


	42. So long, and thanks for all the reviews!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira

Chapter 42: So long, and thanks for all the reviews

As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here...

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Plasma:Sorry for the.... extended delay.... To be honest I got busy with college work and then I was too lazy for a while once Winter Break began. But I couldn't leave this hanging forever, not with one chapter left! In other news, I had some pretty phail reviews over the past few weeks. I think I'll share some of the choicer phail ones with you:

* * *

_Story: The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira  
Chapter: 6. On the road again_

_From: Bah ()_

_The whole yuna joke is fail, she's a girl so it's just boring instead of funny. BACK TO THE KITCHEN YUNA!_

_-------------------  
Story: The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira  
Chapter: 9. Final Fantasy X is on FIRE!_

_From: x ()_

_Well I think it's epic funny. The only beef I have with it, is your Yuna, she's terrible, she should be a ditz, now that'd be funny! Not some feminist__who needs to be shot, killed, buried, erased from history, never spoken about and promptly forgotten.  
-------------------

* * *

_

Plasma: Wow, I had no idea Stephanie Myers was reading my story.

Priere: For those who don't get the joke, Twilight is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it also sets feminism back by a few years, since every strong character is male and Bella generally can't do a damn thing on her own, without her man. Breaking Dawn doesn't even count either, since she only reached the modicum of strength she obtained in that one thanks to Edward, once again. Plasma Knight does believe in the phrase "Don't explain the joke", but he also felt this one was a bit too obscure for people to understand it without some explanation.

Plasma: Let it be known, I'm also male. I just respect women. And I do have to disagree on one account: Alice at least was epic win the whole way through. Anyways, you backwards buffoon, know that I don't tolerate this sort of sexist BS. Accept the fact that Yuna's... well... a scrapper in this story, or GTFO. That's all I can say. Unfortunately, since this is the last chapter, if you actually get this far to read it, there's no point in backing out now. Darnit. Besides, Yuna in my story isn't a feminist, she's just a bitch. There's a difference.

* * *

_Story: The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira  
Chapter: 3. Sin strikes back!_

_From: ! ()_

_Avoid blasphemy please and remember that although spira people or whatever  
worship yevon, he's not a god don't forget since you kill him and you can't  
kill a god.  
-------------------

* * *

_

Plasma: (Stabbing a cross with a blunt rusty butter knife) huh, what? Somebody's talking?

Priere: Just so you know, Plasma's atheist. He finds attempts to defend God highly amusing.

Plasma: I'm not atheist.

Priere: Oh? What do you worship then?

Plasma: I'm the chosen High Priest of the Church of Oyashiro-Sama, which worships Hanyuu, Goddess of Sweets. I'm spreading Her word. Join us! Those who convert to the Church of Oyashiro-Sama will be reborn when judgment day happens, and also if you happen to die before or after said day! Oh, anyways, I find it so gosh darn amusing that somebody came to a parody of fucking FINAL FANTASY X, the most religious of all Final Fantasies, and asked me to avoid blasphemy. I'm thinking this guy was the same as the last two, since the names are always different and I doubt I have that many idiots reading my story. So, to reward your audacity, I'm going to suggest that Yu Yevon might just have been a god.

Priere: Besides, just check out Discworld. Gods can die.

* * *

_From: Sigh ()_

_"by the gods" ? It rocked until that point...  
-------------------_

* * *

Plasma: Sorry, sorry, my bad. By Odin. Or Zeus. Maybe Buddha. It might seem like I'm being a huge prick, but it irritates me this guy comes in spouting his ultra-conservative hogwash on reviews, when I actually wanna see people reviewing my other story more to begin with. In other news, I'm beginning to see why most authors block anonymous reviews.

* * *

**Yu Yevon's Psychedelic place:**

The party all woke up to find themselves in an LSD-induced Nightmare.

Auron: Somehow we're inside of Cyans soul!

Tidus: No, this is Yu Yevon's place. And once we beat Yu yevon, I'll go away.

Yuna: What!? You're skipping out on me!?

Tidus: No, it's just.... this is my story! And I'm gonna end it!

Yuna: Then, it'll be my story!

Plasma: I don't be doing that story.

Yuna: Darn. Okay then, (summons Valefor)

Valefor: Hello, mortals. (Possess'ed by Yu Yevon.)

Yuna: MY GOD! The Dark Aeons!

Wakka: No! Yah!

Lulu: That statement was contradictory!

Auron: We're gonna die!

Valefor: Rawr! Valefor smash puny humans! (Energy Blast)

Party: (Dead)

And then the irritatingly long angel thing came in and revived them.

Tidus: Hey, we're alive again!

Yuna: Yay for not being dead!

Rikku: I guess people DON'T die when they're killed

Rimshot.

So the party wailed on Valefor. This battle is a good display of why Monsters always have crap stats but high HP: Just about any non-blockable attack will kill Valefor on the spot, but basically any single attack it launches will eviscerate your characters. So, Valefor died, Yuna got high apparently or something, and then she summoned again.

Ifrit: Rawr! Ifrit smash puny humans! (Hellfire)

And they revived again. And this just kept going. The rest has been abridged! It's even more irritating with those stupid towers taking up a half minute every time they use their energy wave attack. Well, anyways, after probably a half hour of slogging through the Aeons, Yu Yevon finally shows his true form.

Tidus: It's.... a giant tick?

Yuna: You've got to be ****** kidding me.

Wakka: We were worshiping THAT all this time, ya?

Lulu: Is it too late to become a Jedi too, Wakka?

Rikku: I'm glad I never worshiped it...

Kimahri: I find this situation increasingly unlikely and frankly ludicrous.

Auron: Now! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free - aww, I'm just kidding! He couldn't really kill us anyway.

Yu Yevon: I take offense to that! (Gravija)

Tidus: He just hurt himself! Let's swing wildly, it might work again! (Swings wildly.)

Yu Yevon: You won't hurt me! (Curaga counter)

Auron: Well, that sucks. I know what to do! (Zombie Attack)

Yu Yevon: I must heal! (Curaga counter) ouch! Healing spells, why do you hurt me!?

Tidus: He's vulnerable to healing magic and Zombie? Jecht was vulnerable to Zombie, but he was invulnerable to all healing effects. This guy just sucks!

Yuna: I agree. (Full-Life.)

Yu Yevon: No! No! Say it isn't so!

~One Incredibly Long Death Animation Later~

Back at Besaid, the Crusaders, don't ask what the heck Lucile's team is doing there, mind you, are cheering Sin's downfall with the rest of the villagers. I have no idea how they know Sin died.... Meanwhile, the Fayth fade and turn to stone.

Back at Sin, inside him mind you, Yuna's doing her voodoo dance again. I'm sure she'll be glad to never dance.... again.... oh hell, Yuna may as well become a Professional Dancer after this. Being a Grade-A Dope is the only other thing she's good at.

And then, Auron started to fade.

Yuna: (Takes notice) Sir Auron!

Auron: Don't stop. It's been long enough.

And then Auron took a slow walk through all the party, checking them out in turn. Kimahri got a friendly tap even. Strange that so many people support AuronxRikku, when theres.... nothing at all to support it....

Auron: This.... is your story now. And I'm glad as hell I'm getting out of it before all the grabass begins.

And then Auron faded, taking all the badass in the story with him. Then, the party shows some epic teleporting powers by suddenly being back at the Airship now, where Yuna is sending all the Aeons... and Sin. Explodes in a rather kick-ass flurry of Pyreflies that light the sky as if it were daytime. The Farplane is going to be very crowded tonight. Then, back at Mount Gagazet, all the Fayth fade and turn to stone, and the pillars of Water collapse. Rather logical, something like that WOULD have trouble keeping itself up without magical influence :/

Oh, and Tidus is fading. Yuna takes notice.

Yuna: No! You can't leave too!

Tidus: (Condescendingly) Sorry Yuna, I gotta go!

Yuna tries to run up to Tidus, but instead runs through him. That'd be rather ironic if she fell off the airship and to her death, wouldn't it?

Yuna: (Gets back up.) I love you.

Tidus: (GHOST HUG!!!)

Yuna: You better not be feeling me up.

Tidus: I can't. I lost my solidness.

Yuna: Good.

And so Tidus jumps off the ship, flying past the ghosts of Auron and Braska and giving Jecht a High-Five.

Jecht: Hey kid, welcome to the cool club!

Auron: Yes, it's all different on the other side.

Braska: We're gonna have a wild eternity.

Tidus: Excellent! You were right, Auron, I'm getting out of Spira while the getting's good.

Auron: Glad to see you're smart.

* * *

**Luca:**

Yuna's whistling for Tidus, fat lot of good it does her, mind you, when Lulu arrives.

Lulu: It's time, Yuna!

Yuna: But he can hear me, I know it!

Lulu: (sigh) Yuna, you're going to have to move on. He would want it...

Yuna: No! No moving on!

Lulu: Wasn't the whole point of our journey and the whole aesop of the story about not living eternally in the past?

Yuna: Maybe, but the Aesop of MY story is that chasing your past will improve your future!

Lulu: ... Those aesops conflict.

Plasma: And THAT'S why I hate the moral of FFX-2. In some ways it spits in the face of the moral of FFX! The whole point of FFX is that change is okay, but Yuna spends most of FFX-2 trying to change BACK! It's wonky!

And so Yuna gives her speech.

Yuna: Hey, Everyone! Sin's dead! Praise my worthy name!

And there was much praising to be had.

Yuna: And now that Sin's dead.... uhm.... Let's do some stuff! Peace!

And so she left. But there was still much praising to be had. And then the J-Pop main theme of the game plays, and I too am out! Peace!

* * *

**Plasma's Realm:**

Plasma: Few! This story was ages and ages in the making! But it's over now!

Priere: What about Ivalice?

Plasma: What?

Priere: Hitchhiker's guide to Ivalice.

Plasma: I'll get to that eventually! Get off my back!

* * *

Remember to praise my worthy name!


End file.
